Ally McBeal
The Obstacle Course

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Women Are Dogs, Too

Courtroom. Ally asks, in her closing argument, "But did he defraud her?" The jury answers "yes," in chorus. Ally objects and Judge Walsh admonishes them. She goes on to say, "He then got sued, under the theory that it was unreasonable for any woman to fall in love with a man like him. Now, did you consider that?" The jury says no. I'm not sure what the point was. No, they didn't consider that, or no, they don't think it's unreasonable? Judge Walsh yells at them not to answer the lawyer's questions. Ally asks them to imagine a woman being cruel enough to reject a man for being tiny. Then she asks them to imagine the same woman "going out and finding herself a sleazy lawyer to ask the jury to give her money." I guess that's as good a closing argument as she's ever made. Larry reiterates the facts in his Authentic Lawyer cadence. "You don't get to defraud people just because you're short," he finishes, with the oboe at his side. That's it. The oboe called the verdict.

Ling's office. Jackson walks in and informs Ling that their client has settled his case. Let me, once again, transcribe their dialogue so that you all can help me figure out what the hell's going on with these two.

Ling: So it's over. I can shop.
Jackson: Yeah. Listen, um, ahem...I pride myself on being a pretty good barometer as far as people's feelings are concerned so you can understand if I'm a bit, um, confused.
Ling [rising to leave]: Let's leave it at that. You're confused.
Jackson: Yeah, I apologized last time for imposing my desires. But this time I don't.

And that's that. What last time? What feelings? Who cares, right? Jackson exits and Nelle enters. She remarks on the "weird chemical thing" she's been picking up on between Ling and Jackson. She asks what happened "that night." I assume she means the night Ling and Jackson had their one-night stand a long, long time ago, when Ling didn't even know Jackson's real name. Ling dramatically tells us that she "lost control." Nelle opines that losing control isn't really a reason to run from a man. Ling says, "Thank you, dear Blonde Abby, whose ideal man is online." Ooh, putdown! Wait...What color is Abigail VanBuren's wig, again?

The Bar. Vonda's singing with that constrained larynx of hers. Renee and Ally sit at a table and discuss the fact that Jackson's been pulling away from Renee. Cassandra sits alone until Richard walks up and starts with the wattle-fondling. She tries to give him the brush-off, but Richard informs her that John has given him the green light to hit on her. John walks up and asks what he missed. "Just this," says Cassandra, before giving John one of those girly socks in the face that looks really ineffective yet somehow manages to knock its victim to the ground. She stalks off, and Richard says, "Oh, buddy...What'd you say?"

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Ally McBeal

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