Ally McBeal
The Obstacle Course

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Gwen: C | Grade It Now!
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Women Are Dogs, Too

The next morning, at Ally's apartment. Renee tells Ally that Jackson dumped her. Larry walks in and Ally asks him to beat up Jackson. Renee baby-voices, "Ally, stay out of it." Ally ignores her request and humiliates Renee by rehashing the situation in front of Larry. She practically bellows, "He was using you, Renee!" Then Renee is forced to admit that she wasn't using Jackson. Tough luck, Renee. Concentrate on making real friends first, and then maybe you can find a boyfriend who isn't an asshole.

Cassandra's hotel room. John knocks on the door with a big old phony black eye. Cassandra tells him, "Oh, my. If I'd known how even I'd gotten, I would have taken your phone calls." Huh? Whatever. I guess physical violence is supposed to be cute now. John starts to explain Richard's action. "Fine. You can go," she tells him. They babble about long-distance relationships and uncertainty. Their conversation makes no sense and resolves nothing. Cassandra tells John to help her with her luggage, not a moment to freaking soon for me.

Ling stomps through the Fish & Cage lobby as the Wicked Witch of the West or Wherever theme plays. She greets Richard in the Unisex and asks him if he thinks about picking up where they left off. Richard acts nonchalant as he tells her that they are emotional guppies and soulmates, and that they're bound to get back together one day. Then he leaves Ling looking thoughtfully smirky.

The jury orders Douglas to pay $70,000 in damages. Ally apologizes to him and pretends to be sympathetic. She tells him that he will find somebody. He follows through with his promise to walk out of the courtroom with his head held high. The touchingly proud piano plays while Ally and Larry watch him go. Later, freak! Guess you gotta hook up with a fat bitch! Loser!

My neighbors stand on the balcony and make up their own rap songs while John and Cassandra pratter on the sidewalk. Shut up, all five of you! "Am I totally so irresistible?" John asks. Bernadette Peters is paid to say that he is. Blech. "Most men so forget how to be soft," she tacks on. God. Shut up. They kiss goodbye. I fantasize about throwing eggs or blow-gun darts at them, and at the neighbor who laughs like the stupid vulture from the Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Vonda sings a decent enough song about living without love. We see Ling spying on Jackson. Then Ally massages Larry's strangely hairless-looking feet while Renee watches and broods with her cleavage like boiled eggs. Nelle kicks back with a huge glass of wine and her laptop, smiling at something on the screen. Douglas Ally-McBeals down the sidewalk. I actually feel kind of sad for him. The song playing is pleasantly sad and he looks so hopelessly hopeful. And his suit is so tiny. I think about the trouble he must go through to have his suits made and I sort of want to cry. Cassandra clutches her shawl and stares at the view from her hotel balcony. John trudges down the sidewalk with a murderous glare on his face.

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Ally McBeal

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