Ally McBeal
The Pursuit Of Unhappiness

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Keep Smiling, Old Man

Conference room. Larry and Jackson argue over the pieces of meat named Julie and Gilbert. "Larry…" says Jackson. "Love that name," says Larry. "Man to man, here…We both know what the law provides. We also know how young, beautiful women can capitalize on it, especially at the expense of fat, rich, bald guys," says Jackson. Larry says that he'll advise Julie not to sign the agreement. Jackson threatens to tell Gilbert that Julie only wants him for his money. Larry says, "Tell him you presume that, since he's fat, rich, and bald." Jackson laughs a fake laugh and says, "I like your style." "I hate yours," Larry mutters. "Excuse me?" Jackson asks again. "Kick his ass, Larry!" a bunch of Robert Downy, Jr. fans scream. I can't say that I blame them.

In Ally's office, Elaine tries to convince Ally to lie for her. Ally doesn't want to. Elaine doesn't seem very remorseful as she attempts to manipulate Ally into covering up her inability to function in a relationship. This plotline annoys me because it goes against Elaine's previous office-slut-with-a-heart-of-gold persona. Also, Mark doesn't deserve to get dissed by two women in a row while that sexist asshole John hooks up with two or three women a month. Whatever, though. It's not like I count on this show not to disappoint.

Back at the courthouse, Thompson Mama testifies that she loves Thompson Dad's new attitude. She doesn't think he needs to be cured. Her husband requests permission to approach the bench so he can kiss his wife. Judge Seymore Walsh denies it and Thompson blows his kiss, instead. Mrs. Thompson has a little Gabor thing going on with her hair and her striped suit as she babbles about society considering charity a disease. Thompson Son gets up and yells at his own mother. "That's enough," says Judge Walsh with his beautiful sternness. Thompson Dad just smiles.

Vonda sings a song about happiness while the night cityscape jerks and swerves by. Then we see Renee open her apartment door in the most ridiculous outfit she's probably ever worn in her life. It's a red floral dress with a clingy bodice and low, lacy neckline, and I swear that Renee's bosom is even bigger than before. Her hair is done in little Swiss Miss braids that only accentuate the fact that her head is way smaller than each of her breasts. Jackson comes into the apartment and looks down at her body, pretending not to notice its gross deformation as he says, "Mmm. Hurry up, girl." As Renee walks towards the camera, the tops of her tightly packed breasts quiver. Quick -- what color is Jackson's shirt? Who knows, right? How can you look at anything other than Renee and her huge, huge breasts? Jackson tersely greets Ally and Larry, who are in the apartment's kitchen. Ally makes a very stupid face at him. The men start to argue about the pre-nup until Ally says, "Okay! Okay!" I really hate it when people say, "Okay! Okay!" during someone else's argument. It turns out that Ally only said it so that she could fit her own two cents in. Jackson was "a little dicey" she says. "I'm not even in the mood for your issues," he tells her as Renee jiggles up. Now get ready for the fast-paced argument of the hour.

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Ally McBeal

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