Ally McBeal
The Pursuit Of Unhappiness

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Keep Smiling, Old Man

Ally: My issues? What are my issues?
Larry: All right…
Jackson: Look, lady…
Ally: Ally!
Larry: Jackson…
Jackson: First, you're kissing me.
Ally: I thought you were him [pointing to Larry].
Jackson: Then you climbed into bed.
Ally: I thought you were her [Renee].
Jackson: Then your hands were all up on my privates.
[Renee nods.]
Ally: Well, [smirking sardonically, shaking head] 'cause I thought it was the remote control.
Larry: Hold on!
Jackson: You found the remote now, didn't you?
Ally: [angrily] Yeah, it did feel like the remote control -- hard, plastic.

Every time someone tries to make a sexual innuendo on this show, I end up saying, "What the hell?"

Jackson: Oh, don't flatter yourself!
Renee: Excuse me?
Larry: Excuse me, too. You had your hand on his… uh… remote.
Renee: Hard plastic?
Jackson: Men have it when they're sleeping.
Larry: Remotes?
Jackson: No -- ERECTIONS. And it had nothing to do with her thin little hand.
Ally: Oh, isn't that the remote calling the wrist skinny!

I can't believe people watch this show week after week and then complain that I type the word "fuck" in the recaps.

Ling meets with the Thompson parents to tell them that their son wants one last crack at settling. The Thompsons happily agree and then take off to dinner. You know something bad is going to happen to them, right?

In the Unisex, Gilbert sniffles and tells John, "I'm a big, fat fool. And I'm bald. I see that you're not especially attractive. Do you have a wife?" John bristles and says, "I suppose that cheap-ass, Popsicle-toe Pop Tart put you up to this. Well, let me tell you something, pup tent. I don't appreciate the putdown." Yeah, because Nelle has nothing better to do than hire some stranger to ask John leading questions in the restroom. Well, maybe she doesn't, though. She doesn't seem to have any cases. She has no reason to hang out at the firm other than to take John's alliterative abuse, perhaps. Gilbert goes on. "When I was seven my mom put me on a diet." That's all John needs to hear -- "When I was…" followed by any number under eighteen. Gilbert talks about his young hopes of finding a woman who would love him despite his size. He talks about becoming a millionaire. Now, after a little time spent at Fish & Cage, he's forced to assume that Julie must be marrying him because of the money. Well, of course she is. If there's anything I've learned from this show, it's that no one can love you if you're fat.

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Ally McBeal

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