Ally McBeal
The Pursuit Of Unhappiness

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Keep Smiling, Old Man

Oh, wait…that's not it. It's that no one can love a fat woman. If the instincts gained from previous episodes guide me correctly, I have to say that a fat man can be loved if he's rich. Men love sex, and women love money. That's the Kelleyan way, right? So Gilbert has nothing to worry about, as long as he never gets conked on the head and loses his fortune. Oh, but wait…then all he'd have to do is take his wife out dancing in order to keep her love. Okay. Gilbert's going to be all right, y'all. Whew! Thank goodness he's not a fat woman! Then he'd be a freaking loser!

In the Fish & Cage lobby, Richard tells Jackson that he's concerned. That was just filler, though, because then we see Elaine inform Ally that she used her for an alibi, after all. Ally walks off in disgust. Elaine says to herself, "I should be in a soap opera -- As My Vagina Turns." Um…yeah. Whatever. Turning vaginas -- sure. Anything to get the genitalia term into the script, I guess. Ling, in her frightening black, white, and peach top, tells Nelle that she's afraid Mr. Thompson's good mood is rubbing off on her. You know, actually, this whole lobby segment was filler.

Ling joins the Thompson men and another lawyer in the conference room, where arguing is already taking place. They yammer for a while and then Thompson Son gets a call on his cell. He informs us all that his mother has died of acute heart failure. "Oh," says Mr. Thompson, continuing to smile for a second in order to fake us out. Then he finally quits smiling and says, "That's terrible."

However, any heartstrings that scene may have pulled are pushed firmly back into place by the scene that comes next. Mr. Thompson walks into the Unisex, smiling again. Richard asks him how it's going. Mr. Thompson grins like a maniac as he talks about his wife's death. "Get a grip," Richard says facetiously. He eventually asks if Mr. Thompson's okay. "Yes, unfortunately I am," the poor, happy coot replies. Richard looks at his (hot) self in the mirror quizzically and sadly.

Back in the lobby for the zillionth time, Ally stands in front of Elaine, shaking a pink Magic Eight Ball. Mark asks Ally to meet with him for a moment and she nervously agrees. He leads her to an office, where Ally does her unfunny nervous shtick while Mark questions her and Elaine eavesdrops. "Let's just cut to it, Ally," says Mark. "Can we do that? I consider you and I friends." Ally says, "Oh, please, why does everybody think I'm a friend? I'm not even nice." Thanks for the shout-out, writers. Ally lies. She says that she and Elaine were having dinner with a college friend of hers that fateful night. Mark asks if she gives him her word as a friend. Before Ally has to answer, Elaine bursts in and tells the whole truth. She apologizes and says that it won't happen again, although she knows she sounds hollow while saying so. Mark just nods and leaves the room. Elaine apologizes to Ally and leaves, herself. Poor Mark.

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Ally McBeal

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