Ally McBeal
The Pursuit Of Unhappiness

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Keep Smiling, Old Man

Previously on Ally McBeal: Ally touched Jackson's penis, Elaine professed her commitment to a monogamous relationship with Mark, and Richard and John went to L.A.

It's night in Boston as Vonda sings that "This is dedicated to the one I love" song in a way that would surely get me yelled at if I tried to pull that crap with my voice teacher. Larry and Ally walk down the sidewalk and have a not-cutesy argument about redecorating Ally's apartment. Ally says men don't decorate. Larry mentions Sears like the producers told him to when Sears cut the check. Sorry, but Sears is not the store you mention when you want to convince someone that you're worthy of decorating an apartment. Another thing -- doesn't Renee still live in this same apartment, as well? Maybe she doesn't get a say in the interior design because her breasts are decoration enough. Maybe when they signed the lease, Ally said, "Okay, you bring your bed and your boobs. I get to pick out everything else, including the extra roommates." Ally and Larry suddenly see Elaine and some guy making out outside a brownstone door. Then Elaine yanks the guy into what is apparently her place of residence and Ally says, "What the hell?" Do they have dwellings that aren't brownstones in Boston? Do the special elevator- and bathroom-stall-apartments count?

The commercials come on and remind me NOT to see Someone Like You for fear of being irritated by the unappealing characters and Ashley Judd's chiseled inner thighs. That's what she has -- chiseled inner thighs. Contrary to what the director, editor, and cinematographer of Someone Like You must believe, chiseled inner thighs aren't very enticing at all.

Now it's daytime in Boston. Morning meeting: Richard welcomes John and himself back from vacation. Nelle asks, "How was L.A.? Did you find what you were looking for?" John mutters, "Yes -- people with warmth. It was a culture shock, you snippy-ass Popsicle." Nelle says nothing. Ally says, "John," but with a smirk on her face. Ten minutes in and the show's already pissing me off. I can't even imagine anyone acting like that in a staff meeting -- especially not one of the company owners. I can't imagine myself sitting at a table and smirking while one coworker blatantly verbally abused another. If the writers have any snap at all (and I'm not saying this hopefully,) they will have Nelle sue John for sexual harassment this season. Then they can spice it up by having Ally feel conflicted between her hatred of Nelle and her sense of what the hell is right and wrong. Then Nelle can win, take over John's share of the firm, and hire lots of hot guys. DO YOU HEAR ME, DAVID E. KELLEY? STOP WAVING AROUND YOUR PRINTOUT OF THIS RECAP WHILE TELLING YOUR ASSISTANT THAT YOU NEED MORE EPISODES ABOUT FAT PEOPLE BEING LOSERS. READ THIS PARAGRAPH AND TAKE MY IDEA FOR FREE. John says that Nelle called him an imbecile. Ally says that she didn't. John says that she implied it, that her put-downs are tonal, and that he doesn't have to take it. He does this while calling her more silly names. Everyone is silent until he tells Richard to move on. What a bunch of chicken-shit punks.

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Ally McBeal

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