Ally McBeal
The Wedding

Episode Report Card
Gwen: C- | Grade It Now!
Do a Little Dance, Kill a Little Baby

In Ally's office, Elaine pins back Ally's hair and tells us that she went to her own prom with a boy named Peter Pupple and then lost her virginity to a boy whose name she can't remember. Then she runs to get Ally another hair clip. I hope she's getting a comb, too, and that she's going to unclip what she's already done and detangle Ally's hair before pinning it up into another style that doesn't look like shit. We can see Ally's dress from the ribs up. It's a beige sequined number with spaghetti straps and sequined ruffles along the deep v-neckline. It's not great, but it's not too horrid, either. Ghost Billy magically appears, and Ally asks why he hasn't been around. He says she hasn't needed him. He's there now to share "a little classified information," which is that there's a very happy life in store for her. She tremulously says that she's never doubted it. Meanwhile, her hair looks totally different. It's brushed and loosened from its clips. She thanks Billy and he fades away. Then Elaine ushers Malcolm in, and Ally's hair looks like shit again. Hello! Miss Continuity Director! Get out the bathroom and back on the job, honey! Malcolm's hair isn't much better, though, since it's still in its Burning Bush shape. He trips and falls, showing us that he's quirkily awkward and vulnerable. Ally takes the flower clip out of her head and hands it to Elaine as they leave.

K.C. and the Sunshine Band climb out of the grave to do their gig at the prom. They play "Get Down Tonight" as Ally and Malcolm bob like plastic ducks in a tub at a church carnival. Malcolm falls down again. Some nosy chick walks up and asks Ally if she's Malcolm's mother. "I'm his mistress," Ally replies, and then ruins the effect of that by hopping at the girl and scaring her away. We see a million shots of the band as they merge into "Boogie Man." Then we see Richard teaching the kids how to do The Hustle. The whole room learns it way faster than I learned to do the Boot Scootin' Boogie on Friday night. I feel like a loser for more reasons than one.

Malcolm sits down because he's nervous as hell about singing in front of Andrea and everybody else. I feel for him. I hope he went to the bathroom beforehand. The school orchestra sets up and some little frost-queen boy gets on stage and introduces Malcolm. Ally hoots as he goes up. Richard and Jane join her and watch. All the kids are yakking as the music starts. Malcolm sings the first line and the students look at him like, "Huh? What the hell's going on?" We see that the bitchy girl is Andrea's friend. The two of them make constipated faces as Malcolm sings. He sounds good enough -- he could be on a Disney movie soundtrack. His song is boring, though. It's called "You're Still You" or something. He should have sung "A Whole New World" or "Part of Your World" or "Welcome to the Jungle" or something. Eventually Andrea and her friends smile. Some woman sings background, but we don't get to see who she is. The camera slowly moves over the crowd, all the way to Ally's damp, puffy face. Then it pulls back and she's alone in the hotel ballroom. We see that her dress has one of those heinous ruffled diagonal slits going across her legs. It's annoying enough that the scene has to be made all about her -- the ugliness of her dress is just insult added to injury. Finally we see all the students clapping and "woo"ing for Malcolm, though, and the prom scene ends.

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Ally McBeal




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