Ally McBeal
'Tis The Season

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Jingle Bells, This Show Smells

In the Unisex, Mark asks Elaine whether she's picked her song. She hasn't yet. He's concerned that her ploy for attention seems a little desperate. Elaine remarks that this is coming from a man who'd date a woman with a "schlong." Mark inhales loudly. Elaine apologizes for her rudeness and then tells him that she hasn't had a real boyfriend in seven years. She is desperate. I don't know why Mark's giving her a hard time about wanting to sing on stage. There are worse things she could do for attention. She could scream during a wedding. She could hallucinate old R&B singers. She could rub her napkin all over her mouth.

Back in the courtroom, a WKGB exec is babbling about losing their viewers' trust. He has to admit that ratings didn't go down after Stevens's "cynical proclamation." However, his grandson was "pole-axed" when he heard it on the news. The defense calls "little Jacob Ray" to the stand. John objects on the grounds that calling a child as a witness is manipulative. Judge Seymore Walsh overrules and postpones little Jacob Ray's testimony until after lunch.

Larry hangs an ornament on a plant in his office. Ally strolls in and slobbers on him a bit. Larry asks if she's disappointed about his having a son. She claims she's not. Larry says that he used to ride sleighs and make snow angels with his son, but since they've been apart, he hasn't wanted to do any of those traditional Christmas activities. Ally looks at him soulfully and says, "But now you have me. I'll replace what you've lost. I could pass for a seven-year-old boy, couldn't I?" Oh, no, that's not what she said. I've got to get the sound adjusted on this old TV set.

Kimmy shows up at lunch with her mother, who is played by Marlo Thomas. Her mother usually accompanies her on all her dates, she says. Wait -- did the rock star offer to show Kimmy's mom his willie, too? John starts trying to confess his lie, but Mommie Purest cuts him off. She squeals that she always told Kimmy she'd end up with a singer. The two women giggle and hold hands. John doesn't tell the truth, after all.

In one of their offices, John tells Richard that Kimmy's bringing her mother to hear him sing at The Bar. He's totally fraught. They rule out John doing his Barry White impression, because John said he sang "rock." Richard remarks that Bob Dylan hasn't hit a note in all the years he's been a star. John frets that he can't dance, either. Richard can help him there, though, because he's been working on moves to make himself hotter in bed. The "It's Not Unusual" vamp starts up. Richard does his best Tom Jones sneer and a little fist-pumping move. John is still worried.

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Ally McBeal

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