Ally McBeal
'Tis The Season

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Gwen: C+ | Grade It Now!
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Jingle Bells, This Show Smells

In the F&C lobby, Ally yells at Richard that John's going to embarrass himself on stage. Nearby, Mark compliments Elaine's singing and asks whether she got any dates out of it. She tells him it wasn't about getting dates. "My question was, did you get one?" says Mark. Elaine admits that she didn't. He asks if she wants one. I've said it before, but damn, that Mark is smooth. If it weren't for his susceptibility to homophobic peer pressure, I'd say that he's the biggest catch on the show. I know some people are adverse to his teeth, but it's really more about attitude than looks for me. Ally's and Richard's busybody alarms go off and they shut up in order to eavesdrop. Elaine accepts Mark's offer. He says, "Oh, I know this is a stupid question, but I'm gonna ask anyway..." As we saw on the promo, Elaine says, "I don't have a penis." "Excellent," says Mark. They decide to meet at eight.

Larry shows up to tell Ally he can't make it to John's humiliation that evening. He says something that sounds like "I'm for whatever reason having a week, and I think I need another one." At first I thought he said "weed," though.

The jury finds in favor of WKGB. "That sucks," says Ling. Stevens jokes that he might get a job playing Santa. Kimmy condoles John and mentions his upcoming performance. His nose whistles because that's a gag that never, ever gets old.

At The Bar, Nelle and Ling flirt with the patrons and solicit fake cheers for their boss. I hope they're getting double overtime. Ally and Renee wonder what's taking John so long to show up. Kimmy and her mother giggle in anticipation. Elaine tells Mark that she's sent him signals before but that he never picked up on them. "Like when you dry-humped me?" asks Mark. Elaine affirms that that was one of the signals. I guess Mark was playing it by The Rules. Nelle and Ling accomplish their mission and report back to Richard. Ally fusses about Larry's wanting to be alone that evening. The music, including trumpets, cranks up. Nelle gestures for the crowd to cheer. John comes onto the stage looking absolutely ridiculous -- sort of like Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" days, but all in black. He bumps into a floral arrangement. Kimmy and her mom scream orgasmically. Ling and Nelle look aghast. John says "y'all ready for some music?" into the mike. "YEAH!" screams Kimmy. Mark and Elaine cheer in surprise. This scene is pretty funny so far. "Let's heat it up in here," John says as he removes his denim jacket and reveals his sleeveless t-shirt. The band's still vamping. John tells Kimmy, "You're looking really good there -- foxy," and she shrieks. Kimmy's mom says that she could eat John up. Gag. Finally, he starts to sing. He wants to tell us a little story about what a man should know if he wants a little lovin'. Then he sings a line that I can't understand, and then yells something that sounds like "Hump!" or "Huh!" He plays air guitar and dances like an idiot for a few moments. "He's not bad," says Elaine. "I was better, though, right?" Nelle is forced to smile at John's antics. Renee gives him two snaps. The song ends. That was it -- one verse. Everyone cheers wildly. They must be drunk.

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Ally McBeal

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