Previously: Alex Richmond used her special powers to get Ally McBeal canceled. So, begin to say good-bye! Show all the clips you want -- after this, we only have four more new hours of this to sit through! Yay. Oh, and John runs off and joins a mariachi band (and gets caught, ai-yai-yai-yai!). We meet Miss Liza Bump, a.k.a., Christina Ricci, who is a fierce litigator and such a cute, precious, teeny-weeny little munchkin! We see her in a bathing suit, yes we do! Yes we do! She makes unwelcome sexual advances to John. Ally says she sniffed Victor's ass once. Dame Edna trumpets, "Get over it, Ally McBeal!" John, in his mariachi suit, asks Miss Bump is she wants to join the firm.
Scary funhouse music leads us in a race-by-air across Boston. We land with a screech in front of whatever it is, Cage, Fish, and McBeal, and see a harried Ally get off the elevator. Elaine informs her that her plane was delayed half an hour -- a trip with Victor to Bermuda? Whatever, like we care -- and she still has time to conduct a staff meeting and catch her flight. Ally shoos Richard out of the chair at the head of the table and welcomes Miss Bump, who starts today. Nelle whips her head around: "What?" Miss Bump smiles and says thank you. She's wearing the same rhinestone (or is it diamonds?) necklace in the shape of a star that Christina wears on the cover of Jane magazine. It's a real Chanel; Dame Edna, eat your heart out. Nelle gets pissed that Miss Bump gets to work out of John's office. "What else did he extend to her...does she get access to his hole, too?" Heh. Miss Bump begins to sob. Ally defends her, then Miss Bump is all smiles again. Oh, and she needs help with a case. Richard stammers that he's free. Miss Bump says that wouldn't work, since she's "attracted to [him]." Nelle says, disgustedly, to give her a break. Ally asks what the case is. Bigamy. Miss Bump's client is married to two dudes. Her defense? "She's entitled." Miss Bump puts a catch in her voice and whines, "Belle, will you help me?" Nelle says her name is Nelle. Miss Bump says her name is Morgan on her birth certificate. All the associates and partners have a nice chuckle at Nelle's expense: "Morgan Porter? Hee hee hee!" I hate you, DEK. Oh, and Miss Bump? "Hired another associate" that Nelle will "love." A lawyer she "was wooing." He strides in. A boring, not-hot guy with huge caterpillar eyebrows stolen from Noel and Liam Gallagher. Wilson is his name, if anyone cares. Ally says any arrangements Miss Bump made "are not binding" on the firm. He says that as long as he gets his "agreed-upon salary," he "doesn't care." And, the "slutty-looking secretary" told him there was an empty office upstairs, which he'll just go to right now, as he has clients coming in and has already heard about how "nice everyone" is. Everyone makes puzzled faces as they watch him go. Go actors, go! Earn your money!