Ally McBeal
Tom Dooley

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
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Hang Down Your Head and Cry

What the fuck is up with this "begin to say good-bye" promo shit Fox is running? They should be playing "Taps" and digging the grave, already. Let FX show the reruns to celebrate. Fuck that fucking clip-show bullshit. What's my name, DEK?

Woo, we're flying though the air. We land at court. Heather was busted when it was discovered that she's legally married to two men -- she got hitched in Massachusetts and New Hampshire. John and Miss Bump do a little riffing, both leaping to their feet and insisting that the other ask their question first, then asking for a show of hands on who is confused in the court as to what the law is and "who they're protecting" with it. Judge Albert Hall, myself, and the audience are not amused.

In chambers, John and Miss Bump explain to Heather they they're trying to set a "tone" in court, illustrating "that the law is silly." John says if they can convince the jury of this, she won't be sent to jail. Wow, is this like a meta-statement DEK is trying to make, like, if the audiences think of his show as being silly, he won't get canceled? Ha ha ha ha ha! Absurd isn't silly. Silly isn't funny. This show is absurd. Heather's husbands come in and she kisses them both. They looked stressed and upset. She holds their faces and rubs their shoulders, proclaiming, "It's always hard on the husbands, isn't it." John and Miss Bump nod weakly. Wow, that's meta.

New Guy catches Dame Edna looking at him lustfully. He's all, can I help you? She looks even more longingly at him, and her lips beat. Oh, barf. Nelle breezes through the office with her sexually abused wife in tow, and they all retreat to her office.

Nelle says the husband offered $25,000. The wife says that is "nothing." New Guy says he can get more money. Nelle argues that men are supposed to come on to their wives, and that they won't get more money. New Guy says he can, and asks the wife to step outside so he can have a word with Nelle. He slams the door on Dame Edna's ever-hopeful face for emphasis. After he tells Nelle he can get more money because he's an evil scheming bastard of a lawyer, unconcerned with "merits," Nelle exits, and he slams the door on Dame Edna's face AGAIN. New Guy smirks. My god, we get it.

Heather's on the stand. She married one guy, her high school sweetheart, in 1982. They grew up together, and shared "childhood ideologies." He gets her in ways that no one else can. Then, in 1994, she married the other guy, whom she met on the job. They're both neurologists. And she can talk shop with the second guy. But she loves them both. They both complete her, see, while individually they each fall short. And, yeah, they both want to be married to her, too. The side for the prosecution steps up. Heather plays with him like a dog chasing a sparrow, ultimately saying that counsel shouldn't attempt to draw conclusions about her choice, and that she could be married to one and sleeping with the other and not be facing jail time. True dat. So, why sex with two different men, asks counsel? Heather asks if he can show that her choices in bed partners are relevant to the issues on trial. Well, can he? Can he can he can he? Miss Bump, awed, whispers to John that Heather is smarter than both of them. John shushes her. But, she's right. I have to ask why the police would even attempt to prosecute if they inadvertently stumbled across records finding a person was married to two different people. Like, don't they have bigger shit to worry about? Less sexy shit? Oh well.

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Ally McBeal

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