Ally McBeal
Tom Dooley

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: D+ | Grade It Now!
Hang Down Your Head and Cry

More unpretty postcards of Boston-by-air. Nelle and Miss Bump have a little tete-a-tete in which Nelle reveals she was upset by Miss Bump snooping on-line at Nelle's -- real name Morgan's -- birth certificate, until she did a little snooping of her own and found out that Miss Bump's real name is Debbie. Then she says "Debbie" like thirty times. Dude, Debbie isn't that heinous. Miss Bump looks crushed.

The Uni. Dame Edna is stretched across the tops of several stalls, attempting to peep in at New Guy. He's in the stall across from the stalls Dame Edna is staked out on. God, this show is stupid.

Closing arguments for Heather's case. Prosecution says Heather knowingly broke the law by marrying another man while she was already married. He gooses the jury a bit by reminding them of their sworn, solemn duty to uphold the law. Bum bum buuum! Miss Bump and John do another bit of business of oh-are-you-going-to-close? I-thought-I-was-going-to-close? Eenie, meenie, miney, mo...John goes with, "Silly trial, silly law. Government policing our personal lives. These are no longer the times of Ozzie and Harriet! Times have changed, and they have to!" If you say so, you silly little man. Heather never committed insurance or tax fraud, or gained financially from her two marriages. Do we punish her for loving too much? Is she "really a criminal?" Well, technically, yes. She is. Go on, jury. Cancel the show. I mean, "find Heather guilty."

Nelle and New Guy forced the husband to settle for -- holy shit! -- $225,000! Jesus, that's a lot of cabbage. And it was all New Guy's "sleazy, scummy blackmail" threat that did it. Great. New Guy congratulates Nelle for not having a heart of gold inside. Nelle says she "appreciates that." He leaves, saying, "Until we scheme again." Poor Nelle. I'll be her friend.

The jury finds Heather guilty. Miss Bump points a finger at the foreman and yells, "FIX!" Hee. The judge gives her three months of jail time, "all suspended." The gavel bangs. Hooray! Only four more episodes left!

The Mexican place. The band plays "The Man Who Never Returned." Heather is in a mariachi outfit, singing voicelessly, sharing the spotlight with John. She looks happy. I guess the Bar is being dressed for Dame Edna's wedding, because the whole office is present, knocking back margaritas. Nelle calls Miss Bump "Debbie" again. Dame Edna and Miss Bump exchange insults. Dame Edna is a "big woman," while Miss Bump is a "little hobbit" and a "pip-squeak." Richard asks Nelle if it's okay that the New Guy sticks around. Dude, he just took in $225 Gs, and you have to ask Nelle? My god. The band plays on.

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Ally McBeal




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