Ally McBeal
Ally McBeal

Episode Report Card
Pamie: D | 942 USERS: B-
YOU GRADE IT
Turning Thirty

Elaine tries to talk Nelle into doing a singing number at Ally's party. The dialogue goes a bit like this: "Meow." "Meow." "Meeee-ow!" "Meh." "Meirrrriir." "Meow." Elaine offers to let Nelle do a piece of drama, and reenact the moment she broke up with John. It's followed with, "You coldhearted, cunning, conniving bitch." (Hey DEK: thanks for almost saying "cunt." Keep 'em coming. Huh-huh. Love, pamie.) "This is why I don't get along with secretaries," Nelle says with a smile. Nelle closes with, "Oh, and Elaine, remember to forget to wear underwear. It takes the attention off the fact you don't sing very well." Elaine tries to laugh at it, but is clearly hurt. Faster, pussycat! Kill! Kill!

So, now Ally's got huge lips. Ha, ha, joke on Ally. Funny huge lips. Strangely, they don't look that different. The doctor tells her that clearly she's going to have some swelling right after surgery (duh!), and that her lips should go down in a few hours. She's all bitching about how she has to be in court in thirty minutes. Our Ally isn't the brightest star in the sky, is she? She asks to have them drained. He says no. A nurse comes in and freaks at her and walks out.

Back at the other Russ Meyer plot, the mortician is on the witness stand, saying that the cause of death was suffocation. Close up on booby swelling. John stares. Okay, if this is the outfit that Creepy Teeth hand-picked, why does it open only in a circle around her breasts? Why? They're even more out there than they were in the last outfit. Whatever. I can't toss in logic and reason into an Ally McBeal episode. While discussing the stages of suffocation death, Ally walks in covering her mouth. Creepy Teeth freaks out at the sight of them, and the entire courtroom is now watching Ally cover her mouth. Creepy Teeth asks for an adjournment, as "co-council has eaten some bad shellfish." The judge asks Ally to step forward. In a too-long Daddy Said So scene, Ally eventually shows her mouth to the judge. Everyone laughs at her. "What have you done to herself?" he asks her. She stammers and says "Thirty" instead of "Third" and "Face" instead of "Case." As she starts to leave, Creepy Teeth explains that it's her birthday. "Wah-wah-wah-waaaaaaah," says the oboe.

Ally McBeal

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