Ally McBeal
Turning Thirty

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Turning Thirty

Closing arguments. She boobie-snuffed him for the money, says the prosecution. She would have had to suffocate him for four minutes, which couldn't have been an accident. John comes up and says there were no bruises or marks on him, which indicates no struggle. He says that she wouldn't choose the night she had a bite mark to kill someone. He says that they are free to make their assumptions about her character, but they aren't free to conclude that she's a murderer unless there is no doubt.

Elaine sings. Ally rolls her head and wishes that she didn't have so many people that cared enough about her to rehearse a performance and rent out a bar in her honor. Renee and Elaine sing like they just got finished singing with Diana Ross in Divas 2000. In a completely predictable piece of choreography, they keep standing in front of each other and stepping on each other's lines. Punching, shoving, smacking. Elaine gets hit in the lip. Everyone else looks concerned. Renee pushes Elaine into some sort of glass. Elaine knocks Renee into a pile of balloons. Hair pulling, slapping, kicking, punching, titties falling out of dresses. MALE FANTASY ALERT! "Happy Birthday, Ally," Nelle smiles. And happy birthday, David E. Kelley. You got just what you wanted, didn't you?

The teenage boys turn to me and ask if I know a girl I can call to have a catfight with in my living room. I tell him that they all just left after we gave each other our weekly breast exams and pap smears. One of them drools on my knee.

Is this the most pointless episode of Ally McBeal? I'm just checking.

Elaine asks if her face is swollen. Richard says it's not as bad as Ally's lips. Wait, they aren't swollen anymore, so what is he talking about? Ally says Elaine's face is fine. More bitching and name-calling between Elaine and Renee, but I stop listening after Renee calls Elaine a "hog." Girl power, indeed. John takes the stage to some feedback and says that on the occasion of Ally's thirtieth, he wanted to do something for her. He says that he's as odd as she is and he wanted to sing a song because Ally's the person who brought him out. He says that he's going to sing with Renee. Elaine is not amused. John sings, "'Til There Was You." No wonder I slept like a baby the first time I sat through this episode. Renee is stepping all over John, too, but he doesn't punch her. Behind them Vonda sheds a tear and releases another compliation CD. Elaine rushes the stage to sing the last line in true diva form. Ally is all tears. John waves.

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Ally McBeal

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