Ally McBeal
Two's A Crowd

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You'll never believe this, but...

Ally tells Elaine her dating plans for the week. She forgot what day it was, so she's double-booked herself for the evening. Elaine takes fiendish pleasure in this until Ally realizes that she has plenty of time to meet Michael for dinner and then Jonathan for drinks. Ally runs off and crashes into Mark, who looks really cranky. He says he's getting a vibe that Cindy's about to dump him. She wants to have a serious talk and it sounds ominous. Ally does her stupid Freudian slip of the week: "There might be circumcisions you don't know about. Circumstances!" Shut up, Ally.

Florence Henderson, whose character's name is Shirley Grouper, gets off the elevator with her lawyer. She yells, "This is ridiculous!" as Nelle leads her to the conference room.

At her dinner with Michael, Ally says, "Six o'clock -- is this when old people usually eat?" Instead of getting up and leaving, Michael laughs. Ally starts up the napkin sex routine. She asks if he's lied to her yet. (Don't worry about the logistics. Just go with it. I'm going to get us through this incredibly stupid scene whether it makes sense or not.) Yes, Michael has lied to her. He hates disco. He likes Neil Diamond. Ally stutters and makes rude remarks. She really should get her Tourette's diagnosed. Michael used to play keyboards in a band. Ally tells him to play her a song on the piano. Man, why don't they just build a karaoke-bar set, already? They know they want to.

In the conference room, Dr. Shirley Grouper rants about how she's never put down the working woman. What does she look like -- "a welfare blob?" Nelle questions her about her counseling. Shirley says Wanda should sue society. Then she says, "Honey, I don't know you personally, but even at first blush, I am picking up on so many things to dislike. What you need to go out and find a fat guy with no teeth. The man with no other choices -- he is your demographic." Gee, I guess I can't be annoyed with David E. Kelley and his writers. They didn't say those misogynistic things -- Florence Henderson did! They're just showing us how women think. We should thank them. Nelle says that they're going forward with the lawsuit. Shirley inexplicably calls Nelle a Pokemon then says that if they go to court, Wanda will be embarrassed. The jury will find out that her husband left her because he "got his eyesight back." Shirley isn't afraid because the jury will find her "lovable." Ling just stares at Shirley, presumably agreeing with her. Should I even bother to comment further on this scene? Surely by now everyone can see what tripe this show is. However, I'm afraid to hear from people who loved the episode, who say things like, "Haw, haw, Mrs. Brady sure told that fat bitch what was up!" I feel the need to break down all the reasons that this scene was annoying and wrong. Then I realize that if people thought it was right to begin with, my words won't change that. The fans of this crap won't be the kinds of people who take the time to read and think.

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Ally McBeal




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