Ally McBeal
What I'll Never Do For Love Again

Episode Report Card
Alex Richmond: C- | Grade It Now!
Kiss This Show Goodbye: All Sweetness And No Sorrow

The Theater. We get a montage of various women auditioning, all singing snippets of "Dance: Ten, Looks: Three." You know, that song? From A Chorus Line? The "tits and ass" one? Yeah. It's a catchy little number. Elaine is a real standout. She has a great voice. She's head and shoulders above the pack. Dame Edna takes the last line and warbles something about, after surgery, getting national toooours.

We fly all over the city of Boston until Dame Edna's voice fades and we land back at court. Fish Sr. testifies. He canned his secretary because he didn't want to do anything "inappropriate," like jeopardizing his marriage. So, canning the secretary was "an incredible act of love," then? The secretary's lawyer objects. So, why, if Fish Sr. was the one with the problem -- you know, struggling with his feelings and all -- did the secretary have to leave? Well, it's his company. Oh! Well, then. Liza turns to the jury and says, "Duh!" Hey, DEK? Fuck you infinity. Then, Liza calls co-counsel -- Richard -- to the stand. She want to show everyone how "genetics" matter in this case. "It'll just take a sec."

We fly over Boston again, some more. Finally, we land at the theater. Elaine, dressed in her suit again, takes a beat when she sees the "callback" sheet posted, then walks toward it like a bride toward her groom. Yeah, in professional stage shows, they do that. -- post callback sheets. They don't call. I saw it in Staying Alive! Ooh, look, another reference to a movie! Lookit me go! Lookit me go! Elaine gets close to the callback list and peers at it; then her face falls. She turns, and bumps smack into one of the casting dudes. He's all, don't I know you? Yeah, she auditioned earlier. He says she was good. She laughs a bitter little laugh, like a Hershey's Special Dark Miniature, but not as tasty. Not good enough to make the cut, she says. No, she really is good. Really! It's just that she didn't have a résumé, or any professional experience. Elaine goes off on the guy: "Oh, so you have to have experience to get experience? This was an open audition. How many people came in with résumés? You saw what I could do. Isn't that the point? Otherwise, people could just fax in their tryouts." The guy asks, what is she, a lawyer or something? Hee. No. And would she like to have dinner? She smiles and poses in a very "yes" stance.

Richard's on the stand. Liza speaks to him softly and seductively. We already saw a snippet of this scene in the commercials: she asks him if he's falling in love with her. He says he is. But in this context, in his father's trial, she's making a point that Richard, like his dad, is "governed by [his] dumbstick," and would do the same thing his dad did. Which is, canning a girl he was falling for because he was already married. Even though Richard is not married. Whatever.

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Ally McBeal




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