Ally McBeal
Without A Net

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Mark says, "Psych!"

Ally walks down the street voicing-over some crap about everything in life happening for a reason. She's stopped by Kimmy, who is disappointed that Ally's become "such a coarse person." She hopes Ally never finds a man. Ally fantasizes about hitting Kimmy in the face. I fantasize about paying someone to hit Ally in the face while I watch a show that doesn't suck. Kimmy informs Ally, "I'm suing you for defamation, you total bitch." A nun walks by just in time to hear that. Kimmy apologizes to her and crosses herself. "She's put on a little weight and her diaphragm is pinching," Ally whispers to the nun. That's not even funny. Reruns of Falcon Crest would be more exciting than the attempts at cat fights that take place on this show. Ally calls Kimmy a witch and then walks off and crashes into Larry Paul. He's wearing a lavender shirt with a brown tie and overcoat. It isn't very pleasing to the eye. (Insert your own witticism about Robert Downey, Jr., being pleasing to your eye. He's attractive enough, I suppose, but not someone about whom I have elaborate CGI fantasy sequences. I want you all to feel comfortable in your lust, though.) While Larry talks, Ally rudely gawks around to find the source of the music that's suddenly playing. It's coming from inside your too-large red hat, Ally. Larry asks about Brian. Ally gratuitously tells him all about her father/son dilemma. "Well, if you need a sympathetic ear, I can fake it," says Larry. The opening bars of "My Girl" start again as he somewhat stiffly walks away. Ally bumps into another guy and hits him several times with her fists and her bag. Then she smiles at Larry, who isn't even looking at her anymore, from afar. Her victim runs over to Kimmy to ask about switching to a class-action suit. Just kidding. I wish he had, though.

At the morning meeting, Ally explains that she's being sued by Kimmy Bishop. Richard remembers Kimmy from law school. She had "stones of her own," he says. Mark walks in and makes an annoyed face. Richard promises that they weren't talking about Cindy. Nelle picks that moment to "bring up an issue." She admits that it's cold-hearted, but she feels that Mark's relationship with Cindy will embarrass the firm. "It's not gay rights. It's a circus act, and it's disgusting!" she says. She also uses the term "man missile." Ling smirks and John chokes on his beverage while eating a big plate of pretzels or unwound cinnamon rolls or something. Mark says, "It's my private life, it doesn't involve this firm, and this conversation is over." You tell them, Mark. Richard tries to talk about business again, but Elaine announces that Michael is waiting in Ally's office. In addition to trying to practice law, Richard should get Elaine and the lawyers to sell magazines and snacks to the constant stream of social visitors. They'd probably rake in enough to cover all the cases they lose due to personal bias.

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Ally McBeal




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