Ally McBeal
Without A Net

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Mark says, "Psych!"

Mark finds John hanging upside down in his office. Mark wants an "honest, open-minded, grounded opinion" about his relationship with Cindy. "Dump it," says John. "He, she, whatever. Dump it." Instead of telling John to go to hell, Mark says that he knows he could never have sex with Cindy. Huh? Then why has he continued to date and kiss her?

Okay, this just supports the theory I came up with last week right after I e-mailed my recap to Wing Chun. My theory is that, at the last minute, David E. Kelley rewrote last week's final scene between Mark and Cindy. Maybe someone complained and he was afraid to offend people other than women, so he had Mark continue to see Cindy. I say this because during his scene with Richard, Mark acted grossed out and didn't want to use a feminine pronoun to describe Cindy. That was incongruous with his later claim that he couldn't see her as anything other than a woman. I believe that DEK decided to pretend to tackle homophobia for one episode, but not to such an extent that all his homophobe fans would stop watching the show. In this episode we have Mark dating Cindy but not having sex with her. We also have Richard, John, and Nelle making fun of Mark while the rest of the firm passively watches. Also, Mark likes Queen. I submit that he is the token non-homophobe on the show. His subplot with Cindy was slapped on to appease all those pesky viewers who, strangely, don't hate and fear gay men.

John screams, "She has a penis!" in his grating, prissy voice. He wishes he could say that he was tolerant enough to support Mark, but he can't say it. I wish I could say that homophobia wasn't commonly accepted anymore, but I can't say that, either.

In court, Judge Walsh listens to Larry's reasons for wanting Kimmy's case dismissed. Larry argues that remarks about a woman's chastity are no longer considered slanderous and that the suit itself is discriminatory because if Ally had said such things about a man, no one would care. Kimmy's lawyer points out that Ally's remarks were slanderous, considering that the audience was professionally virtuous women. This is the first time Larry's heard that detail. He looks disconcerted. Ally just tells him, "Whatever." What a stupid bitch. Judge Walsh denies Larry's motion for dismissal. Larry quietly yet angrily tells Ally that he can't work with her if she's going to keep pertinent information from him. She voice-overs, "It's when he got strict with me I knew I liked him.[sic] I hope this doesn't mean deep down I wanna be spanked." She just smirks at Larry. I wish that I could afford to go to court just so I could flirt with people or show off my sexual prowess. Someone does that every single episode. It's like legal fees don't matter to these people as long as they can hit on lawyers or talk about their own breasts on the stand. Larry tells Kimmy that he wants to take a deposition from her later. Then he grabs Ally by the arm and she gets off on it. Ally would annoy me ten percent less if she'd just brush her hair.

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Ally McBeal




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