Ally McBeal
Without A Net

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Mark says, "Psych!"

John apologizes to Mark for his rude remarks about Cindy. He excuses himself with a little story from his youth about a transsexual he accidentally dated once. Shut up, John. Why is it that his loser teen stories are supposed to make us sympathetic, while everyone else on the show gets judged according to their looks? At this point Mark should say, "When I was in high school, I had sex with a fellow football player, and all the other members of the team found out and beat the crap out of us. Afterwards, I only dated men who disguised themselves as women. Cindy reminds me of the golden days of my youth." Then John would have to say, "Damn! He played the high-school trauma card. I lose!" Instead, John tells us that he used to date a woman with a bleached mustache. He claims that a therapist helped him accept his girlfriend. He suggests that Mark and Cindy see the same therapist. All the while, John's twitching his upper lip at the memory of this woman's mustache, so I don't see how the therapist helped him, but whatever. People who use cream bleach, note that you have just been declared losers. Please join the fat women, the gay males, and the icy blondes over at the far end of what is generally accepted. Wait there until the end of the hour.

Ally morosely watches Michael and the whole restaurant sing that stupid song about Neil Diamond declaring his existence to a chair. Her voice-over tells us that she's not fantasizing about him or his son. Her lack of a napkin confirms this, thankfully.

Ally sits on Renee's bed and complains. Renee asks why she hired Larry and not her own roommate and best friend. Ally admits that she thinks Larry is "yummy." Renee informs Ally that Larry is married. She checked. Ally tries to act like she's not crushed and then she Freudian-slips, "I should probably go kill myself" instead of "prepare myself." Good plan. She bangs her head on the door. Harder, Ally. Harder!

Ally shows up at Larry's office for their deposition. He tells her that he's scheduled it at her office because he doesn't have a conference room. She speaks to him rudely because she's mad that he's married. She claims to be upset about the lawsuit and the fact that she's dating a father and son. Larry tells her to continue to date them both, that the world won't end. "Certainly not yours," says Ally. He doesn't know what she's talking about. He's so silly. Didn't he know that all their antagonizing was actually foreplay and that he cheated on Ally when Renee said that he had a wife?

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Ally McBeal

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