American High
Homeward Bound

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Erin: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Home is where the heart attack is

Dude! Grab the board! Use the L1 key! You get more boost power when you do tricks! Oh, come on! You're not going any faster. Don't hit the tree! YOU HIT THE TREE! What are you DOING? Gimme the controls. Lemme show you how it's done. God, you suck.

Scooter's Vehicle o' Lurve. "I said I might wanna get married, but I don't wanna get married," says Kaytee, sucking on her Mickey D's soda. "You will get married," says Scooter. "To me! TO ME! You are mine, Koffeehouse Kaytee! Face up to the reality! We are destiny!" Kaytee doesn't hear this last part, because it's all in Scooter's twisted skull. Kaytee just protests that she doesn't want to get married. "Why would I do something that I don't want to do?" she queries. "You don't want to do it now, but you will," says Scooter. "You will because I WILL MAKE YOU. You are my guitar-strummin' goddess of goodness, Koffeehouse Kaytee. I will have you. Or no one else will." Once again, completely inaudible to Kaytee, who just responds, "You're such a jerk! Maybe I'm not like everyone else. You just assume that everyone gets married. Everyone smokes. Maybe we should just take up smoking. You know, to BE LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. We should just smoke and get married." Well, when you put it that way...

Morgan's Transport Of Tyranny. Morgan's dad wants to know what his homework situation is for the evening. Morgan informs him that he'll probably watch The Color Purple again. Why? Because he's studying overwrought dramas that span character lifetimes? Do they even have a class for that? What is it, "The Study and Analysis of the Peak of Whoopi Goldberg's Career"? Damn. Why didn't I have that class in high school? I would have passed with honors, dude. And this is where Pops "I'm Not Insensitive, I'm Just Without Anima" Morgan says, "Oh, some of your hamsters went to new homes today." Morgan's all, "WHAAAAAT?!" Pops tells him that his mother, who has obviously escaped from the loony bin, took the hamsters to Lake Forest to dispense with some of them. The hell? Without even asking the boy? Or telling him? And why Lake Forest? Because they have an excellent school system and a Baby Gap? "You didn't even let me give them away or say goodbye to them," Morgan snaps. "Well, they left you a note," Pops snidely remarks with a smirk. What a fucking asshole. I mean, really. Was this at all discussed? Did Morgan have any inkling about this potential plan? And why is his father being all rude and shit?

Morgan's dealing with this as best he can. If by "best" you mean "getting extremely pissed off at his whack-job of a mother for taking away his pets." Morgan's particularly concerned that Psycho Mom gave away Stumpy, his pride and joy. He checks the cage, and it seems that there isn't even one hamster remaining. Then he's on the phone, ostensibly to Psycho Mom, demanding that she get Stumpy back. He gets off the phone and says to his father, "What, is she fucking selling them out of her office?" "Excuse me," says Pops. "Can you do me one favor and stop saying 'fuck' in every single sentence when you're talking to me?" Morgan starts to leave as Pops tells him to come home right after class, and he and his mother can duke it out about the hamster situation then. Yeah, or Morgan could just come home after class and tie his mother up and stick her head in the oven. I wouldn't put it past him. Nor would I blame him.

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American High

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