American High
Homeward Bound

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Erin: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Home is where the heart attack is

In the car on the way home, Kaytee's high on the success of her show. She's giggling and sticking out her tongue and chattering away. In the Car of Non-Divorcing-Yet-Unhappy Parents, the Mother of Anti-Destiny is going on about how wonderful Kaytee was. Nolte mumbles that his daughter loves to be in the spotlight. He sounds drunk. In the back of the car, MAD says, "It wouldn't be fair to split up the family. Isn't that what you think?" "So far," says Nolte. Way to be enthusiastic, Chief. "Just as long as the kids are happy," she responds, "I guess I can do another three years. It's gonna be hard. Not having that girl in my house." Man, this is just pathetic. "Happy"? Her kids are "happy"? Not that I've noticed. You wander around the house in a fugue state, kibitzing with parrots and serving your daughter brie, and your husband wears bad ties and doesn't shave and tries to stay as far away from your craziness as possible. Yeah, I think that familial environment is a total recipe for happiness. Really. Not to mention, "kids"? What kids? Where's this phantom other child? In her head? No wonder Nolte wants to leave.

CUT THE CORD, MOTHER OF ANTI-DESTINY. You aren't doing anyone any favors by sticking out a loveless and lifeless marriage. Let Nolte go. He's got dumpsters to go through and wealthy Beverly Hills families to infiltrate. And you've got endless hours of birdhouse repartee to occupy yourself with. Cut it. CUT THE CORD.

Over at Allie's, she's entering the apartment as she tells us that she thinks her mother could be happy if she just could get over the pain and move on with her life. In her mother's bathroom, Allie's trying to cheer her mother up by filming her in the mirror. "You're not gonna get me to be happy," says Sadsack Mary, "so get outta here!" "Come on!" Allie shouts. "Play with me!" "I'm not gonna play!" Sadsack Mary responds. "Play!" shouts Allie infectiously. "Okay," Sadsack Mary gives in. "One little dance."

As Allie and her mother dance in slo-mo around the living room, Allie's VO tells us that she is seventeen and she's felt such pain. "But, even though I have this huge cloud that's sometimes over me more than others," she says, "I've learned so much. Growing stronger and because I've felt such deep pain, I've really been able to understand pure joy."

Sniff. Sniff.

"Hello, Mom? Hi. It's me. Your daughter. Regina, your daughter. Okay, Mom. That's so funny. That's just hilarious. I'm an only child. I get the joke. Oh, never mind. No, I'm not crying. Forget it. I just wanted to say that I love you, but now you've ruined it by making fun of me. Whatever. No reason. I need a reason to say 'I love you'? No, I'm not pregnant, Mom. Shut up. Okay. Fine. I'm gonna go take a butter knife to my wrists now. Thanks for the giggle. Yeah, yeah. I love you too. Go back to painting glasses or chairs or whatever it is you do. Remind me never to call you again on a rainy day after no sleep and too many video games and a recap that makes me cry, okay? Love you. Bye."

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American High

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