American High
Promises, Prom Misses

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Erin: A+ | Grade It Now!
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It's Called "Prom," Not "Nirvana."

Over at Anna's, she's running through a list of what she thought might be her potential prom dates. The list isn't pretty. One came home from the Bahamas with a girlfriend, one asked his best friend, one she never talks to anymore, and one had asked her out during the year and she was very clear about not wanting anything, I mean anything, to do with him. "And so," she says, "this was...kind of a surprise."

"She was number one on the list. Second place would be very far," says a tall, goober-looking guy sporting a forest green oxford shirt and cheeks the color of ripe summer cherries.

"Brent and I are school friends," says Anna, searching around her room for a sharp object with which to impale her skull. "I mean, we talk in school and everything."

"I have one of the largest collections of dwarf conifers and Japanese maples in the Midwest," says Brent, wondering why he doesn't have a sharp object himself with which to impale his skull. Don't worry, Tree Boy, I've got a corkscrew here that'll do the trick. Try it on for size. Please. ["What? You didn't make up that stuff about the conifers? I thought that was a joke! Dude." -- Wing Chun]

"He sent me flowers with this card, which was really sweet," says Anna, proffering the card for our perusal. Assuming we can't read, the producers have Anna slap the card up onto the camera lens and allow Brent-Damage to read the contents aloud. "There is nothing I would love more than for you to join me for the prom. Brent."

At Conifers-Collectors Central, Brent says, "She's wonderful." This prompts me to wonder if I should check Anna's house for security measures, because -- and I don't think I'm alone in thinking this, here -- Brent looks like Ted Bundy before he started killing innocent young women.

Anna wanders around her room. "I don't have any money to buy a new dress," she says. "And, I figure, I might as well get some use out of it." She fingers a lovely champagne-colored fabric hung up against the wall like a scarf. Is it a scarf? Anna? Are you going to wear a scarf to the prom? You go, girl!

Oh, and now we're getting ready for the actual prom. Girls get manicures, Allie gets makeup put on her (which she hates, by the way -- shocker), Allie gets her hair done (which she hates, by the way -- illustrated by her sucking on a Charms Pop during the entire hair interlude), Robby shaves, Kiwi pulls out a tux, Anna's hair is piled on top of her head, Scooter pulls on his pants (ew!), Anna gets zipped in, boys put on ties, and Kaytee puts on what is obviously yet another manifestation of her mother's various acid trips (and don't give me shit about this -- it's a lampshade, people. A cherry-red, chiffon-and-feather lampshade. No, she's not kooky. Yes, she looks retarded. No, it doesn't further endear her to me. Yes, I think she shouldn't be leaving her room, let alone attending the prom). In short, the kids are READY FOR PROM.

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American High

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