American High
Promises, Prom Misses

Episode Report Card
Erin: A+ | Grade It Now!
It's Called "Prom," Not "Nirvana."

Meanwhile, Morgan gets his picture taken with several people in formal dress; Kiwi tells Shanna she looks beautiful; some guy hangs all over Anna; and then Anna, in her beautiful dress, gets her picture taken with Brent-Damaged, who has apparently misunderstood the dress code and outfitted himself as if he were a member of the Sopranos cast. Black suit, black shirt, WHITE TIE?! God.

Oh, Jesus. We're at Brent's place, and he's showing Anna his collection of TREES. ["No, he fucking well is not. What? He is? DUDE." -- Wing Chun] "This is actually," says Brent-Damaged, "one of the largest collections of dwarf conifers and Japanese maples in the Midwest." Anna drops down to her knees and begs Brent-Damaged to take her as his wife, because his knowledge of obscure foliage awes her to her very core. "Take me, Brent-Damaged!" she shrieks, grinding her hips on his rented shoe. "Take me and make me YOUR DWARF CONIFER!!" Except she so doesn't. And I so want to kick Brent-Damage in the teeth.

And now. Prom.

Limos. Revolving doors. Girls in makeup. Girls with their hair done. Guys in suits that belong on Best Men at weddings. Children attempting to act like adults. Morgan chomping on tasty treats. Allie dancing like she's at a Dead concert. Shocker. Brad dancing with Roadster. Scooter. Ew. Scooter.

And then they announce the Prom King and Queen. Who? Who do you think?

Yeah. It's Anna. Yeah, she can't get a date. Yeah, she can't get a boyfriend. Yeah, SHE'S PROM QUEEN. How in the hell did that happen? Hm? The prom queens at my school were primarily those who had screwed half the football team beneath the bleachers before Homecoming. Anna? And this is a girl who is hurting for male companionship. God. She's gonna be a fucking Senator someday. Or President. President! She'll be the first woman President! God, Anna rocks. Anna's all, "Prom Queen wasn't a big deal." She got a cool t-shirt and everything and a nice tiara. Dude. YOU WERE PROM QUEEN. That is SO not a half-deal. That is a BIG deal in your high school career. At least, as far as self-esteem counts. In the real world, it doesn't mean dick.

Meanwhile, Morgan's dancing with Jade (or Jane -- I think Morgan might have a sinus problem) and going on in a voice-over that he wanted to be there with Salima, but that it didn't work out that way. He looks terribly unhappy. Sorry, Jade. You might be in his arms, but there's another girl in his heart.

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American High




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