Back at the student prom montage...Blah blah blah the kids all want to go to prom, blah blah blah Allie doesn't have a boyfriend, blah blah blather SCOOTER'S KISSING SOMEONE! Ew. And in case I pass out due to disgust and forget to say it, EW.
And now, for the first time since missing the important field goal, Captain Kiwi has his very own personal segment. He tells us that he and his girlfriend (remember her? Yeah, the one with the dark roots and the Anna-envy. Her) recently broke up. Kiwi gets out of bed and readies himself for school as he explains why they broke up. Yeah, like we need a transparency and an overhead projector to help us understand why high-school romances end. Someone grab me an Encyclopedia Britannica -- I'm baffled over here. Sans educational tools, though, Kiwi then attempts to explain the reasoning behind the breakup to a friend of his in the cafeteria. "There was this whole dilemma, like, about this other guy...and I couldn't be with her if there was this other guy...remember I told you about this fucked-up guy...so...I just couldn't..." Then he looks off into the distance, his tenuous grasp on the English language escaping him.
"I'm Morgan Moss, I'm a senior at Highland Park High School, and this is the worst year of my life," Morgan says in a voice-over. Word, Morgan. Seriously. I'm Regina Rouge, I'm drinking a tasty Bloody Mary right now, I'm single, and this has been the worst two months of my life (recapping AH, hanging out with Sars when she was in town, and an endless supply of left-over vodka notwithstanding). Morgan's saying that he and Salima have always had problems due to her parents; he's addressing an envelope and wrapping up a little package in red heart paper. God, he's a cutie. But maybe that's just the vodka talking. Even though Morgan thinks he and Salima are together, he's completely barred from talking to or hanging out with her due to her failing grades and her over-protective parents. The only time he can see her is at school. "I'm just sick of it," says Morgan.
Hallowed HPHS Halls of Justice. Salima's getting a birthday hug from a friend who notices that someone did a number on Salima's locker. No, not that kind of number. Get your minds out of the gutter. The "Happy Birthday Salima" kind of number: banners, posters, stickers -- the works. Morgan walks up, hands her his carefully wrapped gift and card, hugs her, wishes her a happy birthday, and then walks off. Salima walks away from her locker as her voice-over informs us that she's kind of not allowed to date Morgan right now. And I have to give snaps to the editor and director of this show because just as the words "not allowed to date him right now" come out of her mouth, the crap on her locker just peels off and falls to the ground. You can't ask for a more perfect illustration of love gone wrong. Yes, I'm stretching. No, you don't get to tell me that I'm stretching. Just be quiet and pay attention. As Salima opens her card and gift in the library, she tells us that her father has laid down the law and stated that she's not allowed to date Morgan anymore because he only brings trouble. It's true, I know, judging from previous viewings of their turbulent relationship, but I still feel kind of bad for them. They're sweet. I mean, they're sweet in a Natural Born Killers sort of way. Yes, I'm kidding. No, I'm not drunk yet.