Ring ring.
Kaytee: Desperately Sad Coffeehouse-Star Wannabe Central, Kaytee speaking, can I help you?
Regina: Hey, Kaytee, Regina here.
Kaytee: Oh, hi. What's up? Oh, by the way, I'm playing at the Starbucks on the corner of State and Division next Thursday --
Regina: Uh, that's great, Kaytee, just great. Um. What the hell are you doing?
Kaytee: Whaddya mean? I'm just sitting here, strumming my guitar, watching Teddy mess around with the computer. Isn't he the cutest?
Regina: No. But that's not why I'm calling. What the hell are you doing slobbering all over a dumbass like that?
Kaytee: A dumbass? You mean Teddy? He's not a dumbass, he's just closed-off and confused. But I can open him up. I can be really good for --
Regina: Stop. Stop right there. Dammit, it's worse than I thought. Kaytee? Do you have a pen or pencil and a pad of paper?
Kaytee: Of course. I'm an aspiring starving artist with poetry for blood -- I am virtually SURROUNDED by pens and paper.
Regina: Well, I'm going to say something and I'm only going to say it once, so pay attention and write this down.
Kaytee: Ready.
Regina: YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM.
Kaytee: Huh?
Regina: I realize that this comes as quite a shock to you, being all of seventeen, and, seeing as I'm talking to the Kaytee who filmed this show about two years ago and you're really nineteen or twenty now, you've probably already learned this, but YOU CANNOT CHANGE MEN. YOU CANNOT FIX THEM. THEY ARE NOT AFTER-SCHOOL PROJECTS. IF THEY ARE ASSHOLES AT SEVENTEEN, ASSHOLES THEY WILL ALWAYS BE. Dude. You are not a repairman. You are a woman. And you deserve to be with someone who A) appreciates you for how fantastic and unusual you are and B) doesn't look like a retard in a baseball cap.
Kaytee: Wow. Thanks, Regina.
Regina: My pleasure.
Kaytee: I'll probably still pine after him for a while, but I do see your point. Thanks a lot. Oh, and did I mention that I'm playing at the Starbucks on the corner --
Regina: Bye, Kaytee.
Kaytee: -- I start at eight and there's gonna be free coffee for the first half hour --
Regina: Bye.
Kaytee: And Scott'll be there and Teddy and --