American High

Episode Report Card
Erin: A+ | 574 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
If it ain't broke, some alcohol-soaked teenager will break it

"Good morning, Highland Park. This is the District 113 Sunshine Lady. We're supposed to get that six- to twelve-inch snowstorm. Tomorrow, the key ingredients: boots, mittens, hats."

What the hell was that? "The Sunshine Lady"? Highland Park High School has a "Sunshine Lady"? And her function is to remind the students to, you know, prepare for the weather? Is Highland Park a "special" school? Why must the students be reminded to, uh, DRESS FOR WINTER? Do they have learning disabilities? Do they live in caves? Do they not own televisions or have parental units? What, if the "Sunshine Lady" didn't tell them to wear their winter gear, they'd all show up in tank tops and underwear?

The Winter of Our Discontent Band Rehearsal Room. The not-so-merry band members are roughly making their way through a piece I don't recognize. They finish, and the Good Doctor has this to say: "How do you feel? I would feel awful. Okay? Want to know how many full rehearsals we have? FOUR. I'm embarrassed. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Because you're not proving anything." He exits the room to stunned silence. Half of the band members contemplate an early exit from this life via an overdose of Flintstones chewable vitamins and lighter fluid; the other half contemplate taking their various instruments and inserting them into every available orifice that the Good Doctor has to offer.

As the snow falls gently upon the quiet streets of Highland Park, the kids tell us how excited they are to be traveling far, far away from their daily lives. Whether it's the bacchanal in the Bahamas or the centered calm that is China, they're ready to shuffle off this mortal coil and get the hell out of town.

Ya, man. Welcome to de Bahamas. One second into the next portion of the ep and I've already counted seven cocktails. I think it's about seven-thirty in the morning in the Bahamas. Which, of course, is the official start of the underage drinker's cocktail hour. There are babes in bikinis, boys in baggy shorts, and more alcoholic beverages than you can shake your heinie at. In an interview, Shanna observes that Abalone and her friend Jenny have basically been inseparable for this entire trip. Or at least for the five seconds it's taken the producers to establish that we're in the Bahamas. Shanna feels very left out and pushed aside. Don't fret, Shanna-girl. Abalone's going to wind up drunk in a ditch somewhere with her underwear on the outside of her clothing and Jenny screaming at her, "Get up! GET UP! Da planes leavesh inna twoo hoursh! Whoops! Ish dat da pavement? Zzzzzz..."

American High

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