American High
Spring Broken

Episode Report Card
Erin: A+ | Grade It Now!
If it ain't broke, some alcohol-soaked teenager will break it

Abalone spends about thirteen minutes making a "best friend" scrapbook for Shanna that Shanna will find ten years from now in a box down in the storage room of her condo, and will look curiously upon it and then promptly take it upstairs and slowly, reverently, add torn pieces of it to her beautifully roaring hearth fire.

The girls both mention in interviews that they're going to the Bahamas for spring break. "For the first time we'll be on our own. We'll be taking responsibility for ourselves," says Abalone. Not fucking likely, Blondie. Try "drinking until our livers jump out of our bodies and bathe themselves in the cleansing waters of ocean." It's spring break, not a religious retreat. I seriously doubt that anyone, at any time, will be taking ANY responsibility for ANYTHING.

Allie tells us that she's really excited for this break, that she needs it. She's looking forward to chilling with a bunch of people from her grade that she normally might not chill with. Yo. Roll with those homies, girlfriend.

Over at Dysfunctional Relationship Central, Robby's mauling Saran Wrap as she says in a voice-over, "Spring break is like the place where all the seniors, like, hook up. They all get together. And here I am a junior. For me to say to Robby, 'I don't want you fooling around with a girl,' I couldn't say that. Because, all of his friends are gonna be doing that." So, instead of telling Roadster to keep his vehicle parked in the garage, she basically gives him permission to go out and pick up women. Along with several STDs.

"Good morning, Highland Park. This is the District 113 Sunshine Lady. We're supposed to get that six- to twelve-inch snowstorm. Tomorrow, the key ingredients: boots, mittens, hats."

What the hell was that? "The Sunshine Lady"? Highland Park High School has a "Sunshine Lady"? And her function is to remind the students to, you know, prepare for the weather? Is Highland Park a "special" school? Why must the students be reminded to, uh, DRESS FOR WINTER? Do they have learning disabilities? Do they live in caves? Do they not own televisions or have parental units? What, if the "Sunshine Lady" didn't tell them to wear their winter gear, they'd all show up in tank tops and underwear?

The Winter of Our Discontent Band Rehearsal Room. The not-so-merry band members are roughly making their way through a piece I don't recognize. They finish, and the Good Doctor has this to say: "How do you feel? I would feel awful. Okay? Want to know how many full rehearsals we have? FOUR. I'm embarrassed. I don't want to go. I don't want to go. Because you're not proving anything." He exits the room to stunned silence. Half of the band members contemplate an early exit from this life via an overdose of Flintstones chewable vitamins and lighter fluid; the other half contemplate taking their various instruments and inserting them into every available orifice that the Good Doctor has to offer.

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American High




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