American High
Spring Broken

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Erin: A+ | Grade It Now!
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If it ain't broke, some alcohol-soaked teenager will break it

As the snow falls gently upon the quiet streets of Highland Park, the kids tell us how excited they are to be traveling far, far away from their daily lives. Whether it's the bacchanal in the Bahamas or the centered calm that is China, they're ready to shuffle off this mortal coil and get the hell out of town.

Ya, man. Welcome to de Bahamas. One second into the next portion of the ep and I've already counted seven cocktails. I think it's about seven-thirty in the morning in the Bahamas. Which, of course, is the official start of the underage drinker's cocktail hour. There are babes in bikinis, boys in baggy shorts, and more alcoholic beverages than you can shake your heinie at. In an interview, Shanna observes that Abalone and her friend Jenny have basically been inseparable for this entire trip. Or at least for the five seconds it's taken the producers to establish that we're in the Bahamas. Shanna feels very left out and pushed aside. Don't fret, Shanna-girl. Abalone's going to wind up drunk in a ditch somewhere with her underwear on the outside of her clothing and Jenny screaming at her, "Get up! GET UP! Da planes leavesh inna twoo hoursh! Whoops! Ish dat da pavement? Zzzzzz..."

Meanwhile, in the land of Mao, no cocktails are being served, and Kaytee's tripping the light Ho Chi Minh fantastic. We have several establishing shots of China and its inhabitants, and I remind myself to find out just how much a ticket to China is and if I can convince Wedge to go with me. All I need is a couple extra thou and a promise to Wedge that yes, we will visit Hong Kong and yes, I'll buy him every kung-fu DVD he can carry.

The band members get sped around pell-mell by the Good Doctor, barely able to snap a picture before he carts them along behind him. Back at the hotel, jet lag and boredom set in as the Good Doctor drones on and on about their hectic schedule and the kids make a mental note to set the Good Doctor's hotel room on fire.

Our little saucy Scooter ultimately decides that the "bed check" that's been installed by the Good Doctor is not really his "thing." Scooter the Scurrilous scampers from room to room on the girls' floor, blithely ignoring the curfew rules. His number's up when the Good Doctor arrives at his room for the bed check and his roommate performs the following skit:

Roommate: Scott? Oh, you look great Scott.
The Scott Who Isn't There: Why, thank you, Sean.

Ha! A HA HA! A HA HA HA! Oh, God! That's...that's just SO funny! Oh-ho! Boy, you got me there, Sean! That was so convincing! And so funny! So goddamn funny! You're a laugh riot there, band boy. Truly.

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American High

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