Meanwhile, Pueblo has to prove to his mom that he's willing to take responsibility for himself. He plans to do that by entering the local Marine recruitment office. "It's not like I have a deep-seated need to go kill somebody," says Pueblo. "I just have a deep-seated need to go be somebody." Oh, and the Marines is the perfect place to do that, you utter TOOL. I hope he gets into the Marines. I hope he gets in and we go to war with, like, Peru or something, and his ass gets tattooed with gunfire and he forgets to bring his gas mask and the enemy line chemical-warfares his sorry butt.
The Marine recruiter asks Pueblo all sorts of questions: does his mom have full custody of his sister, where's his dad, how's his dad feel about Pueblo joining the Marines, et cetera. "Well," says the recruiter, "let's get started with the paperwork." Heh. Heh heh. I'm only laughing because I've seen this episode twice already and...heh...I know what's coming...
"This is the drug abuse screening form," says the recruiter, pulling out a ninety-pound document that's only slightly smaller than a phone book for the greater Hong Kong area. Pueblo looks to the heavens for support. The heavens look back down upon him and tell him to go fuck himself.
"Have you ever taken any type of speed?" asks the recruiter. "What, like caffeine?" asks Pueblo the Idiot. "No, like amphetamines. Illegal drugs," says the recruiter. "Not to my knowledge," says Pueblo the Liar. "Mescaling?" asks the recruiter. "Mescaline?" corrects Pueblo, laying waste to the idea that he's never done a single drug in his life. "Mescaline, yeah, sorry," says the recruiter. "Well, no," says Pueblo. "Mushrooms of any sort?" says the recruiter. Um. To what "mushrooms" might you be referring? I mean, we can all assume that you're referring to psilocybin; those "shrooms" that everyone chopped up and put on a pizza on a boring Friday night in college when there was nothing else to do. Okay. Wait. That was just me. Damn. But, you know, make yourself clear, recruiter! "Mushrooms of any sort" could mean a package of button mushrooms at the local Jewel. Be more specific, please.
Anyway, the recruiter asks, "Mushrooms, of any sort?" and Pueblo stupidly answers, "Probably nothing legal." The hell? He's thinking he's going to get into the Marines with answers like THESE? Dude! If you really want to get into the Marines, YOU LIE! God! Just how much do I have to teach these kids?! "Okay, opium?" asks the Marine recruiter, hoping that he gets a sandwich and a cup of coffee after this train-wreck of a kid. "Psshaw," says Pueblo. "Not in this country." Way to go, Pueblo! Way to ruin ANY chance of getting into the Marines! You know, that whole "joking" and "sarcastically socially aware" thing you THINK you have going for you? Well, it SO doesn't work with the Marines. The Marines have no sense of humor, you TOOL. Keep that in mind the next time you try to apply for a position with one of the most humorless and powerful branches of our armed forces, okay?
After the recruiter runs down a list of drugs that Pueblo has so obviously tried in his past, Pueblo cruises down the street in his car, bitching about how naive he was. I'd like to put down in print Pueblo's every word but, really, I don't want to. HOW FUCKING STUPID WAS HE? Yeah, the Marines are all over people who've done drugs in the past. God! Pueblo just goes on and on about how he couldn't believe he could have thought he'd be able to join the Marines with a potential DRUG history! SHUT UP, PUEBLO! Just. Shut. Up.