American High
Winter Chill

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Winter Chill

Look. LOOK. I'm not asking here. I'M TELLING YOU. If you show Roadster in close-up ONE MORE TIME, I will be forced to find out where R.J. Cutler currently lives, go there, and PEPPER HIS FOREHEAD WITH TINY RAPID BLOWS FROM A BALL-PEEN HAMMER.

You think I'm kidding? Try me.

So, Roadster's monkey-face is on-camera, saying that Brad has a new boy-crush. Then Brad's on camera saying something about it being boring. What? Roadster's continuous close-ups? Yes. I agree. Boring, indeed. But I think he's talking about dating or something, because Roadster says something about how of course it's boring because Brad doesn't fool around with guys like him (Roadster) because guys like him (Roadster) make things exciting. "But Robby," says Brad, smiling the smile of a young gay man who knows deep down in his heart that Roadster is just eight beers away from some quality smooching, "you don't fool around with guys." Then Abby (I know it's Abby because, well, because I've seen the previews and stuff) says, "Robby? Would you fool around with Brad? Honestly." Roadster nervously says, "Huh-uh-huh...NO!" Brad then asks Abby if she'd fool around with him. Abby honestly answers in the negative. Then Roadster, once again making this ALL ABOUT HIM, says, "Would you fool around with me?" "Absolutely," she says. Somewhere out there, Saran-Wrap wakes up in a cold, twisted sweat, screaming, "No! No, Robby, NOOOOOOOO!!!"

After the credits, Allie's hanging out with her friend Brett and telling us that they help each other and that Brett is über-smart and responsible and that Allie's the fuck-up with the heart of gold. Then we have another one of those show-starting conversational montages where it becomes readily apparent that the theme of this week's show is "FRIENDS."

Then we officially meet "Abby" and her personal segment.

Abby tells us that she and Brad have been through a lot and that she's the first person that Brad came out to. "We're like peas and carrots, you know?" says Brad. "We just, like, go together." What, you and Abby are Birdseye Frozen Select vegetables? If you're going to be vegetables that go together, why not be a Pan-Asian Medley or a Southern Italian blend? Huh? Peas and carrots? Bo-ring. Totally.

As Abby and Brad hang out and discuss whether Brad reminds her of a giraffe or a turtle (or a pea or a carrot), Abby's VO tells us that high school has made her who she is today and that she's had the best years of her life with Brad. She's very concerned about what's going to happen next year when they go off to college, because she knows they won't end up at the same school (and it will soon become very clear that Abby very well may not end up at ANY school). Brad has wanted to go to NYU since his sophomore year, and he's intensely excited about getting the hell out of Dodge and over to a real city with more than one gay person.

So Brad comes down his stairway and hugs his dad, and his mom is all, "What happened? What's going on? YOU'RE GAY? OH MY GOD! ME TOO! I'm gay too! Isn't that fabulous?!" No, she doesn't say that. Brad informs his parents that he got into NYU. Rock on, Brad. ROCK ON. When Brad gets to art class, the only other gay person in Highland Park, his art teacher, tells him congratulations on getting into college. Brad is clearly jazzed up. As well he should be. Dude. I was working at Rose Records and taking a year off when my mom called me to tell me I got into the Goodman School of Drama at DePaul University. About twenty-five customers had to have their hearing checked at the local emergency room as a result of my shrieks of joy. Seriously.

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American High

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