Up next is Tiffany, the first black student that I think we've witnessed on American High. She's cool, has braces, is a good dancer, and she's in love with some dude who takes karate lessons. She's been in love with him, like, forever. If by "forever" you mean "since you were a freshman." She says that it's the kind of crush where you can't breathe when the crushee walks past. Sigh. I love those crushes. I can't REMEMBER the last time I had a crush like that. Even in the early days with Hank4, it was pretty much "How YOU doin'?" and not "Oh-my-god-here-he-comes-I-can't-contain-myself-I-think-I'm-gonna-pass-out." I miss those crushes. I wish I were back in high school. But, you know, without the classes and the grades and the ostracism and the backstabbing and the bad blue eyeliner.

So, Tiffany's going to ask Drew (the crushee) to the Winter Formal. She's sitting with her friends in the hallway and wonders aloud whether someone named "Fabio" will give a note she's written to Drew. Just when I'm wondering who the hell "Fabio" is, the camera clues me in. Oh. My. God. What. Is. Wrong. With. His. Hair. Dude. "Fabio" is a security guard at the school, and he's apparently spent countless hours and purchased endless streams of Final Net in order to get his hair to resemble a poodle with a scalp problem. He has OBVIOUSLY seen the cover of one too many dime-store romance novels where the bare-chested hero embraces the bosomy heroine and his hair actually ENTWINES with hers. Ew. And, you know, ew.

Okay, anyway, Tiffany hands the note to Fabio and Fabio, being a security guard at Highland Park High School where the most dangerous incident to occur might be, say, one kid threatening another kid that he's going to key his Beemer if he doesn't, like, back off, actually PASSES Tiffany's note to Drew while he's in class. Tiffany's friends watch Drew read the note and describe his reaction (which is largely to blush heartily and smile widely as if it's all a big joke) to a waiting Tiffany. "So," asks Tiffany, "what does that mean?" "Means you got a date, dude," says her bud. No, DUDE. It means she got the bad-hair-having Fabio to pass her crush a note during fucking study hall and her crush LAUGHED AT IT. He didn't give a thumbs up. He didn't write something on the note like "Yes" or "Sure" or "I would be honored." HE LAUGHED AT IT. There will be no date. There will be no dance. There will be a pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey in Tiffany's near future.