Okay, um. In Suzy's bedroom, she introduces us to her "boyfriend." Yeah. You know. Her boyfriend, THE BACKSTREET BOY. Oh, man. Suzy. Dude. DUDE. Put down the Backstreet Boys book and back away. I mean it. Just put it down, walk over to the opposite side of the room, and I'll just pick the book up with these asbestos gloves I've been saving for this occasion, and then I'll just drop it into a vat of battery acid. Okay? Suzy. SUZY. Gimme the book, Suzy. Drop it. DROP IT.

"It's a weird situation," says Suzy, after I've removed the Backstreet Boys to their permanent home IN HELL, "to be in at this age. To be so totally inexperienced. To be seventeen and not have had your first kiss is, like, freakish. I wonder if kissing is fun?" Oh, God. She's got her hands on another Boys book and, oh, I can't look. SHE'S KISSING THE PICTURE. She is KISSING the picture. Okay, A) there's nothing wrong with being totally inexperienced at age seventeen. Sex is overrated, and this is something Suzy will learn much later in life. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE SEX. It's just that, at seventeen, you're hardly ready to handle it. Especially if you're someone like Suzy. But B) DON'T KISS BOYS IN MAGAZINES. EVER. Not having your first kiss by the time you're seventeen is not freakish. Kissing boys in magazines is. And kissing Backstreet Boys in magazines is just plain uncalled for.

Suzy then tells us that she once really liked this guy but he didn't like her back and it pissed her off. So, instead of stalking him like I would (seriously -- I would), she sanely made a list of her priorities. I'm guessing that boys don't make an appearance on this list. Suzy's desperately serious about becoming an opera singer. She doesn't want boys to distract her from her singing. Right. Whatever gets you through the night, darlin'.

Meanwhile, Mouth and Salima are bitching at each other again. Salima's grades are in trouble, and her parents were considering not letting her go to the winter formal as punishment. Yeah, cuz not letting your kids go to dances is so much like being put in prison for assault and battery. Like, it really holds a ton of weight and resonates for years afterward. Totally.