American High
Winter Formalities

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Winter Formalities

Oooooh...Mouth's in trouble...

As the show opens, Mouth's getting tagged by Mama Mouth. It would seem that our little Mouthy is bypassing that whole tradition of corsage-giving and instead has made a little sojourn to Victoria's Secret. No, not to buy something for himself; to buy something for Salima. No, not a tasteful soap set or a soft flannel robe. Yeah, it's a bra and panty set. Hee.

"You should see it, Al!" Mama Mouth whines to her husband. "It's a thong for God's sake!" Dude. Mouth. Way to go. God knows that I'd much rather get a thong and bra set before a high-school dance than a corsage. For one thing, I'd actually get some USE out of the thong and bra set, whereas the corsage would die a swift and painless death in my garbage can. Way to be both sexy AND practical, Mouth. Rock on.

Mouth's mom unloads half a bottle of Wesson oil into a frying pan and orders Mouth to exchange the gift for something a wee bit more appropriate or he'll be risking the wrath of Papa Salima. Mouth just shoves his way out the door, shouting, "Peace out! Love you!" "Morgan!" his mother calls out after him. "Something flannel would be nice!" Yeah, maybe for you, Mama Mouth. But I'm pretty sure the only flannel that Salima's ever come in contact with is the grungy plaid shirt she wears when she goes to Nirvana cover band concerts down in Bucktown. Stick with the thong, Mouth. Trust me on this one.

In the traditional opening video montage, we're introduced to this week's theme: Love Stinks. Yeah, yeah. Once again, a kid with whom I'm not familiar speaks into the camera at one point and coins the term "breastanality" when referring to the gentle orbs that appear on the front of most young ladies. Hee. "Breastanality."

Then we see a sort of mini-montage of Morgan and Salima, wrestling and tickling and kissing and play-fighting, as Morgan tells us that it's a very up-and-down relationship and that her parents alternately love and hate him. Then the kuddly kouple is in the kitchen, and Morgan's dad asks if Morgan's planning on going to the dance or not. Well, since his GIRLFRIEND has already purchased tickets, I'd say, yeah, he's going. "Are you taking Morgan or are you taking someone nice?" jokes Papa Mouth. Salima laughs sarcastically and assures him that she's taking Morgan. Mouth chugs orange juice from the carton and is about to put the cap back on when Papa mouth says, "Morgan, I don't want your herpes. Wipe the lid off before you put the cap back on." Uh. Remember when I said I started digging Mouth's dad? Yeah. Scratch that. Nothing like some unnecessary herpes humor to turn my car around.

Up next is Tiffany, the first black student that I think we've witnessed on American High. She's cool, has braces, is a good dancer, and she's in love with some dude who takes karate lessons. She's been in love with him, like, forever. If by "forever" you mean "since you were a freshman." She says that it's the kind of crush where you can't breathe when the crushee walks past. Sigh. I love those crushes. I can't REMEMBER the last time I had a crush like that. Even in the early days with Hank4, it was pretty much "How YOU doin'?" and not "Oh-my-god-here-he-comes-I-can't-contain-myself-I-think-I'm-gonna-pass-out." I miss those crushes. I wish I were back in high school. But, you know, without the classes and the grades and the ostracism and the backstabbing and the bad blue eyeliner.

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American High

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