Kudos and crescendos to my partner-in-crime, Henry the Fourth (a.k.a. Hank4), for his hilarious input during our viewing. And extra snaps to my reporter-in-the-field, Wendy Kroy, whose extra-super-bitchy-gay-man commentary kept me in stitches far after the premiere had ended. I'd like to state for the record that this initial recap might come off as slightly meaner than need be, but the second episode recap promises to be much kinder and gentler, as most of these kids actually turned out to be likable.
Oh, to be young and in love and in high school...and in detention and in a gay alliance group and in a coffeehouse pimping your demo tapes...
After the requisite annoying Fox TV lead-in, the screen goes black and slowly, plain white typeface appears (kind of like The Blair Witch Project, but not because nobody disappears or dies in the end, unfortunately):
This past year, two camera crews followed fourteen students at a high school just outside of Chicago. The students were also given cameras, and kept video diaries of their lives. These are their stories.
The picture switches to some pimply kid in a Korn t-shirt, sitting at a drum kit and playing lousy beats. I'm already predisposed to hate this kid simply due to his choice of band-worship, but when he opens up mouth, I'm ready to slug him. He launches into a mini-tirade that really must be repeated verbatim to truly appreciate its beauty. (Note: all expletives spoken by the characters will be "bleeped" as they are in the actual show -- it's funnier that way, the really good swearing can be reserved for me, and I get to play a lot with my asterisk button.)
The kid (whom we later learn is named Morgan, but I shall henceforth refer to him as Mouth) is sitting in front of a video camera, apparently filming one of his video diaries. He's very angry and animated. He's ugly too. "These are the years that you're supposed to go f*****g wild!" he says. At this point, the scene shifts quickly to what I'm assuming is Mouth's mother as she screams down the stairs into the basement, "CLOSE THE DAMN DOOR!" because Mouth's drumming is either atrocious or too flippin' loud or both, and then we switch back to the video diary view. "Not have to suffer any consequences," Mouth is spewing. "Have unprotected sex. Go do drugs. Smoke cigarettes. Drink alcohol." We switch to Mouth's mom again as she storms down the basement stairs and slams the door with a resounding thud. You go, mamacita!
Before I can perform a singular "wave" action in honor of Mouth's mum, Mouth is back again on the screen. "Watch porno," he says, his hands opening up and his fingers waggling at the screen. "Rent porno movies. Get porno magazines. Porno porno porno."