American Horror Story
Boy Parts

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: A- | 91 USERS: A
How Marie Laveau Got Her Groove Back

For now, she is not about to concede that an illiterate (she does keep coming back to that point) voodoo slave girl gave her the Supreme crown; she also informs Marie that she's been to the tomb of Laveau and seen "the fat tourists drawing crosses on the bricks, making wishes to the bones of Marie Laveau." She laughs that all they really have to do to get their wishes granted is come down and get their hair braided, so Marie finally stops working and faces her from the front: "And what is your wish, witch?" Fiona doesn't mince words in saying she wants the secret of Marie's lasting youth, and Marie can't help but be amused: "The hammer wants the nail's magic!" Fiona laughs right along with her but says she has something Marie wants; Marie, however, replies that Fiona could offer her "a unicorn that shit hundred-dollar bills" and she still wouldn't give it to her. I mean, you say that, but you get in front of an actual unicorn with Ben Franklins flying out of his behind and I wonder how your principles might waver.

Marie calls for her men to get rid of Fiona, but with a look to her left Fiona causes several wigs (we were told earlier they're mostly human hair) to ignite, so Marie sends the boys to deal with that instead and tells Fiona to stop. Looks like they're both guilty of underestimating the other; I'd imagine that'll change on both sides. Fiona breezily says she doesn't like the hairdo, but she'll still be in touch. "Such a lovely place you have here. It's nice to see you doing so well after all these years. I mean, maybe in another century, you could have two shithole salons." Marie's face suggests she wishes she'd mixed minotaur piss in with the hairspray.

In a small greenhouse, Cordelia recites a Latin incantation before Hank's voice cuts in to ask if she thinks it's going to work, so apparently she's going to go through with the ritual that I'm guessing is the precursor to The Omen. After chiding him for scaring her, she asks him to give her twenty minutes, and he smiles, "Whatever it takes." I'd make a comment, but he does prove to mean that. When he's gone, she meaningfully kneels down and picks up what might be a harmless rock were it not so suspiciously egg-shaped, and then we cut to the bedroom. And look, there's a lot of jump-cutting so I'm not going to try to hit every blow; suffice it to say that there's Latin and candles and a circle of ash inside which the two of them kneel, she in a negligee and he buck naked, which I'll admit is how I like my TV sex scenes. Less appealing, however, is the fact that they both stab each other in the finger rather forcefully, and after more recitations that no longer sound like Latin, they basically stick their bloody fingers in each others' mouths before passionately getting down to business. As Cordelia gasps from, well, his entrance, the ring of ash ignites and the two eggs crack open, releasing several snakes that slither all over the couple. I have to guess that at the very least, they're not aware of them from the way they continue about their business, as I'm not particularly fearful of snakes and that still seems like a serious ardor dampener. And it's not even clear if any of it was real, as once they finish, the light returns to normal, with the circle and the eggs (there are now at least four of them) intact and the candles burning normally. We cut away without learning who's the first to ask "Was it unspeakably terrifying for you?"

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American Horror Story




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