American Horror Story
American Horror Story

Episode Report Card
Joe R: A | 217 USERS: B
YOU GRADE IT
Nor'easter

Devil Eunice is on the edge of her seat watching mostly-naked Christian women get fed to the crocodiles, but Dr. Thredson -- killjoy that he is -- can only notice that Kit and Grace are still missing from their seats. He informs Frank of this development (Frank's been pretty caught up in the onscreen events himself), and while Pepper bugs him to use the restroom ("Pepper pee!"), Frank informs Sister Eunice of the disappeared patients. This puts Eunice right out, as they're getting to her favorite part, where the Christians are eaten.

Speaking of dire situations, Dr. Arden has hauled Shelley into his office and locked the door, which is almost never a good sign. Shelley is upset and says she thinks she's going to vomit. Arden says they can "play doctor" right here. He's undressing. Ugh. She says she's not in the mood, which draws a scoff from Arden. "You're always in the mood." He says he's probably the only one in the hospital who hasn't had her, which she refutes. "What's more, I do the choosing," she says, with what little defiance is left in her. He says not tonight, "Now turn around and spread your cheeks." I'm just going to say it: Dr. Arden's approach is not sexy. "Any port in a storm," he says (see?), and when Shelly tries to run, he grabs her. So for the second time in as many weeks, Dr. Arden's going to rape some poor girl. Shelley cries out as much, which Arden says is "rich" coming from her. She squirms free, though, when something in his zipper area distracts him and she starts laughing at what she sees down there. "Did you have an accident," she scoffs. "You're seven feet tall! I thought you'd be hung like -- " That's as far as Shelley gets, because tiny flaccid penis or not, Arden can still swing a blunt object at her head. She's out.

Out in the woods, our Three Amigos stumble upon some... remains, let's say... on their way to the road. "I think we found the Mexican!" Grace hollers. Lana just starts screaming. Which it turns out is premature, because the real reason to scream is the thing that's eating over by the trees. We only get fleeting glimpses of the Creatures, but they look primarily humanoid, if mutated and feral. They also run like 28 Days Later, so Kit, Grace, and Lana have no choice but to haul ass in the exact opposite direction, blitzing directly for the tunnel doors and back INTO the asylum, in a scene that might as well have been scored with this music.

American Horror Story

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