American Horror Story

Episode Report Card
Joe R: A | 3 USERS: A

Shelley rounds the corner and begins unsubtle seduction of Carl. He tries to blow her off, saying the Mexican is missing and Sister Jude's roaming the corridors besides. Shelley suggests they go check the hydrotherapy room, where they never know what they might find. Her hand's on his crotch, in case you were in suspense. So off they go, leaving Grace, Lana and Kit room to make a break for it again.

Sister Jude is still stumbling after shadows. Dr. Arden is still eyeing that statue with menace. The camera pulls back to reveal his handiwork -- he's drawn lips, cheek rouge and nipples on the statue in lipstick. "There you are... whore," he growls. Oh, right, Dr. Arden also wrote I Have A Giant Psychological, Probably Pathological Issue With Women, Likely Stemming From My Childhood, But Certainly Manifesting Itself As a Raging Misogyny across the foyer floor. That lipstick is pretty much down to a nub.

While Shelley gives Carl a beej and ultimately yanks his legs out from under him and knocks him out... while the Great Escapers uncover the door to the tunnel... while Dr. Arden calls the Virgin Mary a whore three more times and finally shoves the statue over, shattering it -- while all that is going down, Sister Jude searches the halls and finally turns to come face-to-face with a GIANT FUCKING ALIEN. One of those things with spider limbs and a vagina face. And then, as Shelley is joyfully, hopefully racing to her freedom, she runs smack into Dr. Arden. "Where do you think you're going?" he sneers at her. "...Whore!" James Cromwell. Not to put too fine a point on it.

After the commercial break, we're in the tunnel just as everybody decides that they have to stop waiting for Shelley and move on. They all think that's a bummer and all, but Lana pledges to expose "every sick thing going on in here" upon her escape, so it's kinda like Shelley is escaping anyway! Well rationalized, people. Let's move. They make it to daylight ("daylight" in this case being blackest night in the middle of a hellacious storm) and revel in the freedom of being outside the walls. Lana shows them the path through the woods to the road and Grace tells her once they reach the road, she's on her own. Kit looks conflicted, but hey, no time to argue and at least they're all free, right?

Devil Eunice is on the edge of her seat watching mostly-naked Christian women get fed to the crocodiles, but Dr. Thredson -- killjoy that he is -- can only notice that Kit and Grace are still missing from their seats. He informs Frank of this development (Frank's been pretty caught up in the onscreen events himself), and while Pepper bugs him to use the restroom ("Pepper pee!"), Frank informs Sister Eunice of the disappeared patients. This puts Eunice right out, as they're getting to her favorite part, where the Christians are eaten.

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American Horror Story




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