American Horror Story
The Dead

Episode Report Card
admin: B | 75 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
The Dead
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Flashback to a simpler time, when Kyle still had all of his own body parts and the ability to sing classic Toto songs with perfect diction whilst drunk in a tattoo parlor. His dude-bro buddies are also enjoying being alive, but they are getting Asian and Gaelic tattoos of questionable meaning in lieu of singing "Rosanna" with him, because tattoos are cool and Toto is an "incredibly gay band." To each his own, I suppose, but anybody who disparages Toto deserves to be blown up in a bus accident if you ask me. Kyle also calls Toto "amazeballs," which is the perfectly dumb word for him to say. (Toto actually is amazeballs, though.)

"Hold the Line!"

Kyle can't get a youthful mistake tattoo like all the other frat boys because he aims to be taken seriously as a city engineer after college. (Also, his mom would "kill him," which I don't care to translate into incest terms.) He wants to make sure the levees never break again, and step one is not ending up here someday. His friends think that's totally cool. Aww, rapist friends can be solid bros when they want to be!

In the present, chained-up garden gnome Kyle is apparently gaining some sentience. He recognizes the Irish tattoo on his arm as his friend's tattoo, and the Asian tattoo on his ankle as that of his other friend's and clearly realizes that he has been Frankenstein'd together from the severed limbs of his fallen comrades. Kyle is devastated, but before he can really process a full-on meltdown, Zoe appears in front of him with a pistol hidden behind her back. This oughta go well.

Speaking of the undead, Madison is having a hard time. Her thoughts read like a Thought Catalog piece on millenials, who are supposed to be entitled and narcissistic due to getting too many unearned trophies in their childhood and being too performative about those defects due to the advent of social media. You know the ones; 60% of the internet is people bitching about millenials or people defending millenials at the moment, and AHS is no different. Madison is philosophizing next to a lit candelabra while smoking on a staircase and it's all very Art Direction by Meatloaf, in a very self-aware and genuinely funny way.

Madison used to avoid pain or pesky feelings of any kind while she was alive, an easy task with all those pills, bottles and eager young men at her disposal to distract her. But now that she's lingering in between death and life she can't feel anything, which apparently feels bad. So this whole thing's an enigma. She tries what's always worked for her before, and chugs pills and booze, devours every witchy ingredient in Fiona's bag of tricks, burns her hand with a lighter, eats numerous Pyrex containers of turkey and carbs. She still feels nothing. But, there's one thing she hasn't tried yet and that's sex. And this is a Ryan Murphy show with no show tunes in it, so, sex should do it. Though, really, Madison – try showtunes!

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American Horror Story

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