So we’ve reached that point in the season where shit starts going haywire. And man, it really went for it. I don’t even know what to do with any of this right now. Zoe went to work on rehabilitating Kyle through teaching him English and the ways of being a human again. She has some success! But then Madison decided to bond with the only other dead person she knows by having sex with him (!), which I can actually understand. What I can’t understand is the part where Madison decided to invite Zoe and her deadly vagina to have a threesome with her and Kyle… and Zoe went for it because her deadly vagina can’t kill already dead people’s genitals. I’m going to need to think about that for a while.
Fiona sleeps with the Axeman and the morning after he reveals that he has loved her since she was an eight-year-old victim of mean girl bullying. First, it was a fatherly love, but then when she became hot and powerful as an adolescent, his feelings toward her changed. She is humiliated and repulsed at first, but she comes around. They are totally dating now. They deserve each other.
Madison doesn’t stay a secret for long. Cordelia ends up touching her, resulting in a vision of Fiona slitting her throat. Delia takes this to Zoe, explaining that if Fiona learns about Zoe’s power, she’ll be next. She conspires to team up and kill Fiona together. Zoe wants further confirmation, so she finds Spalding’s enchanted tongue in the storage closet where the spirit board was (everything’s in that thing!), reattaches it and then interrogates him. His enchanted tongue cannot lie, so he gives up the goods on Fiona. Then, it looks like Zoe murdered him by stabbing him through the heart, but who knows. Why would you give up Denis O’Hare this early?
And tragically, the buddy comedy duo of the fall season comes to an end this week, as Queenie decides to defect from the Coven by handing LaLaurie over to Marie as a kind of initiation fee into her crew after LaLaurie admits to a new horror from her past. RIP to the BFFs of the TV season. Marie ends the episode by smearing LaLaurie’s blood all over her face as a magical youth serum, so there was a practical reason for wanting LaLaurie besides revenge.
Hank has all the weapons in the great state of Louisiana laid out in his hotel room in preparation for Miss Robichaux’s killing spree. Good fucking luck, guy.
No Misty Day this week. Boo.
Mindy Monez’s only goal in life is to someday hit the Frostop drive-thru with Gabourey Sidibe and Kathy Bates at three a.m. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.
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Flashback to a simpler time, when Kyle still had all of his own body parts and the ability to sing classic Toto songs with perfect diction whilst drunk in a tattoo parlor. His dude-bro buddies are also enjoying being alive, but they are getting Asian and Gaelic tattoos of questionable meaning in lieu of singing "Rosanna" with him, because tattoos are cool and Toto is an "incredibly gay band." To each his own, I suppose, but anybody who disparages Toto deserves to be blown up in a bus accident if you ask me. Kyle also calls Toto "amazeballs," which is the perfectly dumb word for him to say. (Toto actually is amazeballs, though.)
Kyle can't get a youthful mistake tattoo like all the other frat boys because he aims to be taken seriously as a city engineer after college. (Also, his mom would "kill him," which I don't care to translate into incest terms.) He wants to make sure the levees never break again, and step one is not ending up here someday. His friends think that's totally cool. Aww, rapist friends can be solid bros when they want to be!
In the present, chained-up garden gnome Kyle is apparently gaining some sentience. He recognizes the Irish tattoo on his arm as his friend's tattoo, and the Asian tattoo on his ankle as that of his other friend's and clearly realizes that he has been Frankenstein'd together from the severed limbs of his fallen comrades. Kyle is devastated, but before he can really process a full-on meltdown, Zoe appears in front of him with a pistol hidden behind her back. This oughta go well.
Speaking of the undead, Madison is having a hard time. Her thoughts read like a Thought Catalog piece on millenials, who are supposed to be entitled and narcissistic due to getting too many unearned trophies in their childhood and being too performative about those defects due to the advent of social media. You know the ones; 60% of the internet is people bitching about millenials or people defending millenials at the moment, and AHS is no different. Madison is philosophizing next to a lit candelabra while smoking on a staircase and it's all very Art Direction by Meatloaf, in a very self-aware and genuinely funny way.
Madison used to avoid pain or pesky feelings of any kind while she was alive, an easy task with all those pills, bottles and eager young men at her disposal to distract her. But now that she's lingering in between death and life she can't feel anything, which apparently feels bad. So this whole thing's an enigma. She tries what's always worked for her before, and chugs pills and booze, devours every witchy ingredient in Fiona's bag of tricks, burns her hand with a lighter, eats numerous Pyrex containers of turkey and carbs. She still feels nothing. But, there's one thing she hasn't tried yet and that's sex. And this is a Ryan Murphy show with no show tunes in it, so, sex should do it. Though, really, Madison – try showtunes!