Hey, everybody! It's Test of the Seven Wonders time! After a VH1 Classic-inspired Stevie Nicks music video (with some of the worst lip-synching I've ever seen), Madison, Queenie, Zoe and Misty embarked on a competitive group test. It started out easy: all of them easily aced the Telekinesis and Concilium (mind control) tests, but things got hairy when it came time to go to Hell and back. Misty got stuck in a childhood anxiety dream memory of science class gone awry and lost her focus. Her test time ran out and she turned to dust back on earth. RIP Misty. Can I have your boots?
Other complications arose as well. The girls had a swell time playing X-Men tag during the Transmutation test, but eventually Zoe miscalculated her landing and ended up impaled on a spike. Queenie couldn't bring her back to life. Madison -- thrilled that death equaled a forfeit for her competitor -- refused to try. Zoe died. Kyle cried.
With Zoe dead, Myrtle finally figured out what's been obvious for several weeks now: That Delia is the new Supreme. She convinces her to try and Delia slays all the tests the girls took so far. On to Divination! Delia can do that, too. But before Queenie can try, Madison fails the test miserably, throws a tantrum and quits the Supremehood race. (She also threatens to call TMZ on them, which only seemed to inspire Cordelia.) And when Madison went upstairs to pack, a grieving Kyle appeared and strangled her to death for letting his girlfriend die. Spalding the Friendly Ghost gave his final appearance helping him dispose of her. RIP Madison, bitch.
Meanwhile, Delia got to work on the final test of bringing someone back to life. Zoe woke up and Delia passed out from the effort. But in a flashforward, we see that Delia became the Supreme. Her eyes are fixed, her hair is flawless and she's on CNN selling Miss Robichaux's and the Coven to misunderstood Suicide Girls across this great nation. She's going to be a great Supreme. She's also going to have to sentence Myrtle to death for killing Pembrooke and Quentin, which she does. Myrtle's last words are obviously "BALENCIAGA!" Goodbye, Myrtle. You were the best thing about this entire season and we will miss your dialogue and wigs most of all.
As for Fiona, it turns out she is still alive (but on death's door), having mind controlled that false memory of murdering her into the Axeman's head to trick the Coven. She meets with Delia and they exchange some final words before Fiona dies in her daughter's arms. She ends up in Hell, where Papa Legba has sentenced her to an unglamorous eternity of monogamy with the Axeman in his country home. Sounds about right.
Mindy Monez's personal hell is a lifetime of Axeman storylines too. You can tweet with her @garnisheater.
Previously: Delphine and Marie ended up in Hell together, cursed to an eternity of each other. Queenie brought Misty Day back to life. The Axeman "murdered" Fiona. Zoe and Kyle came back. Madison and Misty had a riotous, knock-down, drag-out fight. The next Supreme remains unchosen.
How else could the season finale begin than with a Sepia-toned Steve Nicks music video set at Miss Robichaux's? The song is "Seven Wonders," which, albeit a little on-the-nose (but really, what about this show isn't?), is a great jam. Stevie Nicks is surprisingly awful at lip-synching, but holding it against her seems like no fun, especially when this sequence is such a delight. Misty twirling and throwing confetti, Zoe studying like a nerd in her room, Madison studying by way of indulging in a magical bubble bath, Queenie trying to right Nan's death (Queenie's made mistakes, but fuck Cordelia -- she really is the saint of the season), CGI plant regenesis, VH1 Classic fisheye lens, everything. This show has a lot of faults, but at least it makes it easy to forgive them with stuff like this.
The girls line up on the grand staircase like perfect little Von Trapps and Stevie wishes them all luck before flouncing out of the house forever. Somehow, Misty manages not to throw herself to the ground, grab Stevie's ankles and force her to drag her wailing body behind her as she goes. So that's progress!
Coven title sequence for the last time. It wasn't my favorite one, but it did kind of grow on me as the season went on. Particularly that part where the woman laughs her ass off while stabbing a doll. That part's goddamn relatable.
Myrtle is hosting that hallowed of TV tropes, The Last Supper (Last Suppers by Myrtle Snow is the kind of small business I'd invest in, by the way). The girls enjoy caviar, blinis and champagne as shit gets even more biblical. Delia recites that Bible verse about being a child and thinking like a child and then growing up and thinking like a "woman," the regendered line falling heavily, because, after all, this season thinks it's all about girl power. There's a nice moment where Queenie silently takes Delia's hand and helps her with her food, not because she was asked or because other people could see it, but because she's innately kind. It is kind of a bummer that Queenie doesn't end up with the crown, isn't it? I'm not furious about it – being Supreme kind of sucks -- but it still doesn't feel quite right to me. At any rate, Delia advises the girls to put aside their petty childish bullshit and focus on the test. It's go time.