American Horror Story
Tricks and Treats

Episode Report Card
Joe R: A- | 4 USERS: A+
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Tricks and Treats

At Briarcliff, Sister Jude is faced with the sad task of informing the Potters that their son is dead. Mrs. Potter breaks down completely.

The next morning, Dr. Arden arrives in the infirmary to check on Sister Eunice. I love how he's all caszh about the previous night's events. Hooker chomped on his arm and went out screaming into the night dressed as a nun. Ah, well. He'll get the next one. Sister Eunice is sleeping, though her hospital gown is riding a little high on her thighs. Arden reaches out and creepily moves it down, which is when she wakes up. He apologizes for frightening her, but she says he could never frighten her. "You make me feel safe." Like bugs crawling on my skin, these two. He asks how she's doing after her "fainting spell" and prescribes plenty of rest and relaxation. She starts to ask about the "creatures," but he's distracted by a gap in her shirt revealing even more skin. He tells her so, and she pulls the blanket up over herself, saying she'd hate to distract him from his important work. He says, quite unconvincingly, that the human body is just a machine to him. Of course, when he says "cogs and sprockets," he might as well be saying "giant, throbbing cock" the way he's panting. He leaves her to rest up. But after he leaves, Eunice once again throws off her bedcovers, and when she does, the crucifix on the wall rattles. Eeeeeeevil!

Up in Sister Jude's office, Lana sits, fully expecting she'll be caned for the events of last night. But Sister Jude says it was a long night for everyone: "a lesson in the power of Satan." She tells Lana that she surprised her last night. She always figured she was a "corrupt little opportunist," but she knows what it took to call the orderlies last night and for that, she deserves something special. Of course, it's Sister Jude, so that something special comes in the form of Grace and Kit, who are brought to Sister Jude's office to be caned. Lana's reward is that she gets to watch, unpunished. It's a particularly ill-fitting reward when Lana has to see the look of hatred Grace has for her as she's led in. Lana calls Sister Jude twisted. "Don't make me change my mind, Miss Lana Banana," Sister Jude says. Please let them use that nickname in every episode. She then makes Lana choose which cane to use on "our Grace's bare behind" and on "our doe-eyed James Dean copycat." Lana, of course, picks the slimmest cane, but Sister Jude refuses. So Lana picks the third-slimmest cane, which, admittedly, were I Grace or Kit, I would be like, "WTF, bitch." After a fine little cheesecake shot of Kit and Grace's bare asses (something for everybody!), Sister Jude prepares to start on Grace. Lana tells her she's so sorry. "Screw you, Judas bitch!" is Grace's reply. Sister Jude winds up, but Kit interrupts, saying the whole plan was his idea and Grace was just a pawn. Now, Sister Jude knows this is bullshit chivalry. She sneers to Grace that "he thinks you're just one big scoop of strawberry ice cream." But I think she also hates Kit all the more now for trying to be the good guy. So she's more than happy to add the 20 lashes she would've given Grace to Kit's 20. Forty lashes for "Sir Galahad." Coming right up. We see the first five or so, before the episode mercifully ends.

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American Horror Story

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