Previously on American Horror Story: A whole other story entirely that will have no bearing on Season 2, but just know that it was BANANAS.
Currently: Despite everything we may have heard about this season taking place in the 1960s, we begin in the present day with a pair of Lovers played by the self-satisfied cheekbones of Adam Levine and incredibly fortunate Jenna Dewan-Tatum. They're wandering around the trash-strewn brambles surrounding some sort of condemned building, though the camerawork is so tight that we can never get a good look at the place. Still, there's an abandoned baby doll hanging from a tree in the woods, so you tell me what kind of place it is. Adam -- or "Leo," I guess -- is taking Jenna's (Teresa's) photo and being all, "Oh babe, you're so sexy." He exposits that they're on the last stop of their "Haunted Honeymoon Tour," so we know this is an infamous locale of some renown. As happens to most happy couples in stories such as these, the danger gets them horny and Teresa beckons him inside, as he starts singing "Here comes the bride," because she's his bride and he's about to make her come. With his penis and stuff.
Inside, Leo and Teresa explore and mack and deliver some much-needed exposition. Seems Briarcliff started out as the premier tuberculosis ward on the East Coast. 46,000 died within its walls. "They shuttled the bodies out via an underground tunnel called the death chute," Theresa says, before making Leo promise to do her in the death chute. Um... so to speak. More kissing, more exploring, more expositing. The Catholic Church bought it in '62 and turned it to a sanitarium for the criminally insane, earning a reputation for not letting anyone out. Its most famous resident was a serial killer named "Bloody Face," and what a coincidence, the lovers pass a crude graffiti of Bloody Face. They're both so glib about it! If only something harrowing would happen to them! Leo finds an operating room of some kind -- judging by the restraints on the gurney and the equipment in the room (still), this was where the electro-shock was administered. Theresa immediately wants to be strapped down to the chair and that's where they start doing it. I can happily say I've now seen Adam Levine lick his fingers as a lubricating strategy, so thanks for that. She stops him mid-thrust, because she hears a noise and she's getting off on the thrills even more than she is on him at the moment, so she wants to go see what it was. Maybe it's Bloody Face! She's so insanely horny by the spookiness of it all that she excitedly tells Leo she'll totally let him put it in her ass. You guys, I have missed this disgusting show. They come upon a door that's locked, but there's a mail slot, and she calls him a pussy until he sticks his arm inside to investigate. He pretends something's grabbing at him to get her to jump, which of course sets her engine revving all over again. She decides the sensible thing is for him to reach inside with his phone, to get a better look around and while he does that, she will offer moral support in the form of a blowjob. (Yes, yes, "oral support," fine.) And so they do, in one of the best ideas anyone can have while in a haunted asylum. Alas, we'll never find out if Adam Levine is a screamer or not (he is, come on), because something reaches out for him from inside the room and grabs ahold of his arm. He screams, she screams, the camera gets really hyperactive, and in one rather exhilarating flourish, whatever it is rips Leo's arm clean off. Theresa screams her way into our opening credits! Yay!