American Idol

Season 13, Finalists Perform - Before tonight's credits, we actually get some new content, if you can believe that. After M.K.'s ouster, Harry reminded the other judges that they're looking for a superstar, and then went on to encourage her that this is just...

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RECAPS, WEECAPS, AND MORE

Latest Episode

13-22
Weecap

Join Together with the Band

Season 13, Finalists Perform - It's not officially "rock night," but inviting the band onto the stage means it amounts to roughly the same thing.

03.26.2014 B

M. Giant

Ep.

Title

Air/Pub'l

Grade

Author

13-21
Weecap

The Third Time is Not the Charm

Season 13 – Results Show - A finalist makes one too many trips to the bottom three, but at least this is the last time.

03.20.2014
03.21.2014
B

M. Giant

13-20
Weecap

The Top 10's Top 10

Season 13, Top 10 Finalists Perform - The finalists sing some chart-topping songs, but three of them will still end up on the bottom.

03.19.2014
03.20.2014
B

M. Giant

13-19
Weecap

Been and Gone

Season 13, Top 11 Results Show - The top ten tour roster is named, but one finalist has to jet.

03.13.2014
03.14.2014
B

M. Giant

13-18
Weecap

Hollywood in Hollywood

Season 13, 11 Finalists Perform - The contestants are limited to songs that were in movies, which means they are limited to songs.

03.12.2014
03.13.2014
B

M. Giant

13-17
Weecap

And Then There Were Eleven

Season 13, Top 12 Results Show - Another finalist participates in her final show.

03.06.2014
03.07.2014
B

M. Giant

13-16
Weecap

"Home" Runs… Not

Season 13, 12 Finalists Perform - The week's "Home" theme leads to a number of performances that might as well have been delivered from the singer's couch.

03.05.2014
03.06.2014
B-

M. Giant

13-15
Weecap

Lucky 13th

Top 13 – Results Show - Time to find out which of the judges' favorites is America's least favorite.

02.27.2014
02.28.2014
N/A

M. Giant

13-14
Weecap

65 in 260

Season 13, 13 Finalists Perform - Given a chance to tell us a little about themselves, the 13 finalists reveal a lot, which is that most of them just aren't that interesting.

02.26.2014
02.27.2014
B-

M. Giant

13-13
Weecap

Triskadekaphilia

Season 13 – Top 13 Revealed - The thirteenth episode of the thirteenth season is a good night for thirteen singers.

02.20.2014
02.21.2014
B

M. Giant

13-12
Weecap

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize

Rush Week – Top 15 Male Singers - Fifteen guys show up to sing, but only ten actually get to. In related news, Randy Jackson shows up to mentor again.

02.19.2014
02.20.2014
B-

M. Giant

13-11
Weecap

Not So Fast, Five of You

Rush Week – 15 Girls Perform - How can we miss Randy if he won't go away? Or even if he does?

02.18.2014
02.19.2014
B-

M. Giant

13-10
Weecap

Top Almost 30

Season 13, Hollywood Round Week #3 - The judges have had to make a lot of tough decisions, you guys. That's why they're dumping the last one on us.

02.13.2014
02.14.2014
C+

M. Giant

13-9
Weecap

Judgment Day

Season 13, Hollywood Week #2 - The judges start dropping some contestants into the Top 30, some into the dustbin, and a few into Thunderdome.

02.12.2014
02.13.2014
B+

M. Giant

13-8
Weecap

Group Dynamics

Hollywood Round, Week #1 - The entire group round zooms by so fast we barely have time to notice it only did half of its job.

02.06.2014
02.07.2014
A-

M. Giant

13-7
Weecap

Hangared Up

Hollywood or Home - Hollywood Week is rebooted, and over a hundred contestants are simply booted.

02.05.2014
02.06.2014
B

M. Giant

13-6
Weecap

All Aboard

Season 13, Auditions #6 - The auditions end in Omaha, as so many things do.

01.30.2014
01.31.2014
B

M. Giant

13-5
Weecap

Utahan to Me?

Season 13, Auditions #5 - Auditions in Salt Lake City reveal some fresh talent.

01.29.2014
01.30.2014
B

M. Giant

13-4
Weecap

Take Your Mom to Work Day

Season 13, Auditions #4 - Ryan's hometown produces some actual talent, not counting Ryan.

01.23.2014
01.24.2014
B

M. Giant

13-3
Weecap

Local Heroes

Season 13, Auditions #3 - People from Detroit are tough, gritty and determined, as proven by how pretty they sing.

01.22.2014
01.23.2014
B

M. Giant

13-2
Weecap

Stay Away, Fools

Season 13, Auditions #2 - Harry Connick, Jr. continues his jovial war on everything that irritates you about American Idol, this time going after idiots who suck on purpose.

01.16.2014
01.17.2014
A-

M. Giant

13-1
Weecap

Boston to Austin

Auditions #1 - Lots of contestants come on the show not knowing who Harry Connick, Jr. is. Fortunately, the show is going to fix that very quickly.

01.15.2014
01.16.2014
A-

M. Giant

12-37
Weecap

Grand Finally

Season 12 – Winner Announced - It's all over but the singing. Of which there is a lot.

05.16.2013
05.17.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-36
Weecap

Too Close to Call

Two Finalists Perform - It's anyone's game now, as one singer's superior talent may or may not overcome the vagaries of public voting.

05.15.2013
05.16.2013
A-

M. Giant

12-35
Weecap

99,998 Down, One to Go

Season 12 – Final 3 Results - The final two are revealed, and it's not who you expected. Unless it is.

05.09.2013
05.10.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-34
Weecap

Go Home and Go Big

3 Finalists Perform - The top three get a big lift from their hometown visits, but one of them will be back there for good after tomorrow night.

05.08.2013
05.09.2013
B+

M. Giant

12-33
Weecap

Call it Even

Results Show - The show tries to make up for our wasted time last week by saving us the hours it would take to go see The Great Gatsby.

05.02.2013
05.03.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-32
Weecap

Stand-Up Connick

Finalists Compete - Harry Connick, Jr. shows up to provide some mentoring to the person on the show who needs it the most: Randy Jackson.

05.01.2013
05.02.2013
B+

M. Giant

12-31
Weecap

All Four One

Season 12 – Final 4, Results Show - The top two receive some good news, and so do the bottom two.

04.25.2013
04.26.2013
C

M. Giant

12-30
Weecap

Theme Malfunction

Season 12 – Finalists Compete - Nobody involved in this show bothered to pick a theme for this week, and some finalists respond better than other.

04.24.2013
04.25.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-29
Weecap

Girls' Night, Out

Results Show - I hope it's not too much of a spoiler to say we've got an all-female top four.

04.18.2013
04.19.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-28
Weecap

Girl on Girl on Girl on Girl on Girl Action

Finalists Perform - The competition begins now, again.

04.17.2013
04.18.2013
A-

M. Giant

12-27
Weecap

May the Best Woman Win

Results Show - Your top five, everyone. Try to look surprised.

04.11.2013
04.12.2013
B

M. Giant

12-26
Weecap

Back in Bacharach

Finalists Compete - A night of Burt Bacharach songs coincides with a week when we learn things about the contestants that few people know. Which I'm sure is totally a coincidence.

04.10.2013
04.11.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-25
Weecap

Vote Rocked

Top 7 Results - The names of the bottom two have us rhyming, "The hell?"

04.04.2013
04.05.2013
N/A

M. Giant

12-24
Weecap

More Talk, Less Rock

Finalists Compete - It's classic "rock" week, which means tonight's clear winner is guest guitarist Orianthi.

04.04.2013
04.04.2013
B

M. Giant

12-23
Weecap

Why Ask Y?

Season 12: Top 8 – Results Show - The bottom three this week really separates the men from the…women.

03.28.2013
03.29.2013
B

M. Giant

12-22
Weecap

Motown, Mo Problems

Season 12: 8 Finalists Compete - Smokey Robinson is in the house, but there are very few miracles.

07.24.2014
03.28.2013
B

M. Giant

12-21
Weecap

Meet the Beaten

Season 12, Top 9 Results - In hindsight, maybe it wasn't fair to build a week around a band that was once at the center of the "Paul Is Dead" rumor.

03.21.2013
03.22.2013
A+

M. Giant

12-20
Weecap

Reheat the Beatles

Season 12, 9 Finalists Complete - The finalists cover songs by John, Paul, George, and Ringo, but the results are not uniformly fab.

07.24.2014
03.21.2013
B

M. Giant

12-19
Weecap

Names and Numbers

Season 12: First Results Show - Ryan gets his John King on for the season's first real election night.

03.15.2013
03.15.2013
B

M. Giant

12-18
Weecap

The Competition Begins... Now?!

Top 10 Perform - In case you're just now joining, us, that means you're a lot smarter than we are.

03.13.2013
03.14.2013
B+

M. Giant

12-17
Weecap

And Then There Were Ten

Season 12, Las Vegas Round 3 - The pool gets cut in half again during the season's first live results show.

03.07.2013
03.08.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-16
Weecap

Watching the Sausage Party Get Made

Las Vegas Round 2 - When the guys get their first chance to sing for votes, things go a little Askew.

03.06.2013
03.07.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-15
Weecap

Stacking the Deck

Las Vegas Round 1 - A slot in the top ten is this week's motivation for a surprisingly strong field of female semifinalists and Zoanette.

03.05.2013
03.06.2013
A-

M. Giant

12-14
Weecap

Turbanated

Semifinalist Round, Part 4 - This is your top twenty. Which is fine with me, because I don't want it that much.

02.28.2013
03.01.2013
B

M. Giant

12-13
Weecap

In the Zoan

Semifinalist Round, Part 3 - Another group of ten becomes another group of five.

02.27.2013
02.28.2013
B

M. Giant

12-12
Weecap

Male Call

Semifinalist Round, Part 2 — Guys Perform - Ten guys enter, five guys leave. The other five are still in the competition, though, so it's not violent or anything.

02.21.2013
02.22.2013
B

M. Giant

12-11
Weecap

Sudden Death

10 Girls Perform - Only in geology and American Idol can something that takes two hours be called "Sudden."

02.20.2013
02.21.2013
B

M. Giant

12-10
Weecap

The Top 40 of Top 40

Hollywood Round, Part 4 - Hollywood week wraps up with the girls' solo round, a couple of sing-offs and the usual buckets of tears.

02.14.2013
02.15.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-9
Weecap

Hollyweird

Hollywood Round, Part 3 - Just because the auditions are over doesn't mean the freakshow is.

02.13.2013
02.14.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-8
Weecap

Separating the Boys from the Other Boys

Hollywood Round, Part 2 - More male contestants are cut loose in the Hollywood solo round.

02.07.2013
02.08.2013
B

M. Giant

12-7
Weecap

Hot Man on Man Action

Hollywood Week, Part 1 - It's the most intense 24 hours of the competition, displaying the skills that are least relevant to it.

02.06.2013
02.07.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-6
Weecap

Later, Sooners

Auditions #6 - AI12 auditions wrap up in Oklahoma City with a ventriloquist, some decent singers and the usual complement of utterly crazy people.

01.31.2013
02.01.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-5
Weecap

Putting the "Long" in "Long Beach"

Auditions #5 - We'll remember the Alamo a lot longer than most of the people who auditioned in San Antonio, while in California even some of the judges skip part of the tryouts.

01.30.2013
01.31.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-4
Weecap

Calling Baton Rouge

Auditions #4 - Why is Baton Rouge the best audition city to date? Because the auditions there only take an hour.

01.24.2013
01.25.2013
B

M. Giant

12-3
Weecap

Yellow Flag

Season 12, Auditions #3 - During auditions at the Charlotte Motor Speedway, rubber isn't the only thing that gets burned.

01.23.2013
01.24.2013
B-

M. Giant

12-2
Weecap

Urban War Zone

Season 12, Auditions #2 - Keith is still stuck in the middle of Mariah and Nicki's sniping. Oh, and some people audition.

01.17.2013
01.18.2013
B

M. Giant

12-1
Weecap

Mimi vs. Nicki

Auditions #1 - It's the first round of auditions in New York, but it's more about the judges than the contestants. Again.

01.16.2013
01.17.2013
B

M. Giant

11-40
Weecap

Getting Our Phil

Winner Announced - Two hours of songs and clips lead up to a ten-second announcement that surprises no one.

05.23.2012
05.24.2012
B

M. Giant

11-39
Weecap

One on One

Performance Show - The final two face off for the first and only time before the formality-- sorry, the finale.

05.22.2012
05.23.2012
B

M. Giant

11-38
Weecap

And Then They're Were Two

Final 3, Results - The finale matchup is revealed, and it's one of the three you least expected.

05.17.2012
05.18.2012
B

M. Giant

11-37
Weecap

Hometown Heroes

Performance Show - Everyone in the top three goes home -- but on purpose.

05.16.2012
05.17.2012
B

M. Giant

11-36
Weecap

Who Judges the Judges?

Results Show - J. Lo and D. Cook perform as one of the top four awaits the inevitable.

05.10.2012
05.11.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-35
Weecap

Filler Filler

Performance Show - Someone clearly misheard one of the finalists' names, because there's plenty of something that sounds like him to burn up two hours.

05.09.2012
05.10.2012
C+

M. Giant

11-34
Weecap

Exit Laine

1 Voted Off - We already knew last night that one finalist wasn't anyone's son, but now she isn't fortunate, either.

05.03.2012
05.04.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-33
Weecap

Oldies and the Old Country

Finalists Compete - Little Steven mentors as finalists sing songs from the sixties and from the U.K. Well, four of them do.

05.02.2012
05.03.2012
B

M. Giant

11-32
Weecap

Released

1 Voted Off - And then there were five, as a finalist who made an obscure choice last night gets bit in butt for it.

04.26.2012
04.27.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-31
Weecap

Night of the Queen

Finalists Compete - The top six perform Queen songs you've mostly heard, and then songs of their own choosing that you mostly haven't.

04.25.2012
04.26.2012
B

M. Giant

11-30
Weecap

Go, Gaga, Go

Season 11: 1 of 7 Voted Off - Last night's stunt proves fatal for one contestant's Idol run.

04.19.2012
04.20.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-29
Weecap

Double or Nothing

Season 11: 7 Finalists Compete - Fragments of fourteen songs are performed in two hours. Dick Clark would be proud.

04.18.2012
04.19.2012
B

M. Giant

11-28
Weecap

Saved By the Judges

One of Seven Voted Off - The judges remind everyone who's driving this train, and it's not you, America.

04.12.2012
04.13.2012
A-

M. Giant

11-27
Weecap

Hot Off the Charts

Top 7 Finalists Perform - Tonight's selections are from the past two years, which explains why you haven't heard most of them.

04.11.2012
04.12.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-26
Weecap

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

1 of 8 Voted Off - One of the judges wants to use the save option, but she gets outvoted. Did we just give away the ending?

04.05.2012
04.06.2012
B-

Angel Cohn

11-25
Weecap

Eight on Eighties

Finalists Compete - The finalists delve into the mists of prehistory with a slate of songs that neither they nor Steven remember.

04.04.2012
04.05.2012
B

M. Giant

11-24
Weecap

Han's Down

1 of 9 Voted Off - Just look at what listening to the judges gets you.

03.29.2012
03.30.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-23
Weecap

Blindsided

Nine Finalists Compete - The top nine do something truly unexpected: an overall excellent job.

03.28.2012
03.29.2012
A-

M. Giant

11-22
Weecap

The Van Is Leaving

1 of 10 Voted Off - Heejun is probably going to pay a price for last night's stunt, but not this week.

03.22.2012
03.23.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-21
Weecap

I Will Die on This Hilfiger

10 Finalists Compete - Sooner or later, American Idol humbles everyone. Tonight, it's a fashion mogul's turn.

03.21.2012
03.22.2012
B

M. Giant

11-20
Weecap

Last Ten Standing

1 Voted Off - The tour lineup is chosen. So, when are they all leaving?

03.15.2012
03.16.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-19
Weecap

Jermaine Under the Circumstances

Finalists Compete - Ten contestants sing songs as old as they are (actually older, in most cases, thanks to covers), but the eleventh is given the bum's rush.

03.14.2012
03.15.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-18
Weecap

Back to the Germ Farm

1 Voted Off - The number thirteen proves unlucky for one finalist.

03.08.2012
03.09.2012
B

M. Giant

11-17
Weecap

Whitney vs. Stevie

Top 13 Perform - The guys are pitted against the girls in covering the songs of two iconic artists. But in a matchup like this, the smart money's always on the dead one.

03.07.2012
03.08.2012
B

M. Giant

11-16
Weecap

Lucky 13

Top 13 Finalists Chosen - The finalists are named and the dirty dozen are sent home.

03.01.2012
03.02.2012
B

M. Giant

11-15
Weecap

The Farmers and Adele

Semifinalist Girls Perform - Seems like everyone's either a country singer or compared to Adele tonight, and in some cases both.

02.29.2012
03.01.2012
B

M. Giant

11-14
Weecap

Sausage Party

Semifinalist Boys Perform - As if twelve male singers weren't enough, one is back from elimination.

02.28.2012
02.29.2012
B

M. Giant

11-13
Weecap

The (Almost) Final Cut

Final Judgment, Part 2 - As predicted, the judges mercilessly winnow it down to the Top 24...or so.

02.23.2012
02.24.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-12
Weecap

Define "Final"

Final Judgment, Part 1 - With eight eliminations in two hours, things are really picking up. Except the opposite of that.

02.22.2012
02.23.2012
B

M. Giant

11-11
Weecap

Vegas, Baby

Performance Challenge - As more groups sing in Las Vegas, almost everyone steps up their game -- except the judges.

02.16.2012
02.17.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-10
Weecap

Faint Praise

Hollywood Round, Part 3 - The solo round separates the winners from the losers, but not before the group round separates the healthy from the sick.

02.15.2012
02.16.2012
B

M. Giant

11-9
Weecap

Contagion

Hollywood Round, Part 2 - The contestants prepare for group performances. That, and a musical version of Stephen King's The Stand.

02.09.2012
02.10.2012
B

M. Giant

11-8
Weecap

Over the Edge

Hollywood Round, Part 1 - As Hollywood Week begins, some go on, and others drop out.

02.08.2012
02.09.2012
B

M. Giant

11-7
Weecap

St. Louis Misery

Auditions #7: St. Louis - American Idol finds some talent in the city under the arch -- namely Carrie Underwood, seven years ago.

02.02.2012
02.03.2012
B

M. Giant

11-6
Weecap

Portland Pity Party

Auditions No. 6: Portland, Oregon - An hour of exceptional singing, performing and trolling for sympathy votes.

02.01.2012
02.02.2012
B

M. Giant

11-4
Weecap

Houston, We Have a Large Number of Problems

Auditions #5: Galveston, Texas - The deluded weirdoes are back, as well as some inter-judge sniping.

01.26.2012
01.27.2012
B

M. Giant

11-4
Weecap

Putting the "Ass" in "Aspen"

Auditions 4: Aspen - Tryouts in the Colorado mountains prove to be a bit... Rocky.

01.25.2012
01.26.2012
B

M. Giant

11-3
Weecap

On Deck

Auditions Day 3: San Diego - A round of auditions held on board the aircraft carrier USS Midway doesn't exactly rock the boat.

01.22.2012
01.23.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-2
Weecap

Steeling the Show

Auditions #2: Pittsburgh - The season continues to be short on freaks as Pittsburgh impresses the judges.

01.19.2012
01.20.2012
B-

M. Giant

11-1
Weecap

Savannah Smiles

Auditions #1: Savannah - But sometimes it doesn't, as the season-eleven auditions kick off.

01.18.2012
01.19.2012
B

M. Giant

10-39
Weecap

Finding the Exits

Grand Finale - The winner is crowned, redundantly enough. But first: Everybody singing every song ever written.

05.25.2011
05.26.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-38
Weecap

Generation Loss, Or: Continual Nuisances In Your Own House

Nashville Idol: Finals - Gosh, I really hope one of these people wins!

05.24.2011
05.25.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-37
Weecap

That's Some Bad Hat, Haley

Finalists Revealed - The only thing more wonderful than a huge surprise upset is a shaggy-dog death march to certainty. Guess which!

05.19.2011
05.20.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-36
Weecap

What Isn't What Should Ever Be

Top Three Performing Songs Of Various People's Choosing - Everybody goes above and Beyoncé.

05.18.2011
05.19.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-35
Weecap

I Am #4

Top Three Revealed - The obvious person goes home, making for an even more depressing next week when the next obvious person goes home and it's just hell that is left.

05.12.2011
05.13.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-34
Weecap

Speculum Of The Other America

Top Four: Radio Gaga - Themes include "Songs" and "Songs by Leiber & Stoller." Two things Lady Gaga is all about.

05.11.2011
05.12.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-33
Recap

Lusk! (Real Savage Like)

The Fifth Worst Goes Home - After a 3/2 split between the Professional Musicians vs. the Divas In Training, there is really only one possible eliminee.

05.05.2011
05.06.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-32
Weecap

Love Is A Doing Word

Top Five Theme: Songs & Then Other Songs - Good Lord how horrible.

05.04.2011
05.05.2011
D

Jacob Clifton

10-31
Weecap

America Still Don't Care For Jazz

Sixth Worst Person Goes Home - The Absolute End of the Entire World, right there on your TV program.

04.28.2011
04.29.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-30
Weecap

Something Inside Has Died

Top Six: Carole King - Durbin & Scotty are awesome, Casey & Haley are quite good, Lusk & Lauren are still here. Plus: Still more crappy duets!

04.27.2011
04.28.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-29
Weecap

The Last Days Of Disco (Stu)

Seventh Worst Goes Home - David Cook, Katy Perry, and all the territory in-between.

04.21.2011
04.22.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-28
Weecap

What It Feels Like For A Man

Top Seven: Songs Of The Just A Minute Ago - Songs from the Aughts (except Scotty, but nobody even says anything, because he is a scary ventriloquist's doll).

04.20.2011
04.21.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-27
Weecap

But He Breaks Just Like a Little Consumptive

Eighth Worst Eliminated - The kids learn a little about acting, and a lot about justice.

04.14.2011
04.15.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-26
Recap

Tell Me What You Know About Night Terrors

Top Eight: Songs of the Cinema Films - Jacob and Paul do their awful stuff, while Scotty and Casey raise the bar on their respective shticks.

04.13.2011
04.14.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-25
Recap

Jacob Lusk Can Still Suck It

Ninth Worst Eliminated - Another shock boot and tons of filler? Please, sir, can we have some more?

04.07.2011
04.08.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-24
Recap

If You Liked It Then You Should Have Put A Bird On It

Top Nine: Rock & Roll Hall Of Fame - What an uninspiring evening of television.

04.06.2011
04.07.2011
F

Jacob Clifton

10-23
Weecap

Looking Like A True Survivor/Feeling Like A Little Kid

11th & 10th Worst Eliminated - Bummer knockoffs, as expected.

03.31.2011
04.01.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-22
Weecap

Hold Me Closer, Katherine Helmond

Top 11 Again - Elton John holds everybody hostage until Jennifer Hudson is named your American Idol.

03.30.2011
03.31.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-21
Weecap

With Apocalypse Descending, Who Demands More Life?

Top 11: Results - Casey Abrams gets the Order's blessing and lives to be a big ol' fake another day. Ryan Seacrest gets ravaged by Hulkamania's tidal wave of protean fire.

03.24.2011
03.25.2011
F

Joe R

10-20
Weecap

Take a Good Look at My Face

Top 11: Motown - ...if there's a horrified expression on it, it's safe to say that Scotty McCreery's performing. It's the worst thing to happen to Motown since The Big Chill -- come see how they did.

03.23.2011
03.24.2011
C+

Joe R

10-19
Weecap

Wizard People, Dear Reader

Twelfth Worst Person Goes Home - Lee DeWyze AND the Black Eyed Peas? We are lucky people.

03.17.2011
03.18.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-18
Weecap

Guess That's Why They Call It The Creeps

Songs From Your Year Of Birth - ...But which year will Karen from MySpace choose for her year of birth? Allll of themmmm.

03.16.2011
03.17.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-17
Weecap

When We Tell You That We Hate You

13th Worst Person Eliminated - Dirty Diddy Money, Adam Lambert and a little bit of the old shock-boot.

03.11.2011
03.11.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

Mondo Extra

When It Rains It Pours

Top 13 Compete - Gospel choirs, silent films and people trying to channel dead singers.

07.24.2014
03.10.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-15
Weecap

Bring The Noise, Turn Off The Dark

Top 13: Revealed! - Ryan screws around for an hour and then the Wild Card candidates sing for an hour and now there are 13 left.

03.03.2011
03.04.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-14
Weecap

Who's Afraid of the Play About the Ladies

Top 12: Lasses - Yeah, okay.

03.02.2011
03.03.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-13
Weecap

One-Act, One-Crime

Top 12: Fellas - An avalanche of surprises, starting with how enjoyable it is.

03.01.2011
03.02.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-12
Recap

No Alarms/No Surprises

Results: Top 24 - Zero shockers, unless you count how very long it was.

07.24.2014
02.25.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-11
Weecap

Like Pigs From A Gun

Auditions: Las Vegas/Beatles Night - Everything awesome about Group Night, times ten.

02.23.2011
02.24.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-10
Weecap

Mockingjays & Gwyneth Days

Hollywood: Solo Round - 100 down to 50, minimal tears, great performances, and almost entirely appropriate behavior.

02.17.2011
02.18.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-9
Weecap

"That Teapot's Spreadin' Lies About Me!"

Hollywood: Group Night - Enter the Thunderdome and prepare to sing your last.

02.16.2011
02.17.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-8
Weecap

All The Good That Won't Come Out

Hollywood: Sudden Death - Seventeen lines of ten kids, their egos, and a bunch of broken hearts. From 327 to 168, in just an hour, heading into Group Night (!) next week.

02.10.2011
02.11.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-7
Weecap

Choose Absurdity

Auditions: San Francisco - The last round of auditions bring a heaping helping of the high notes and the low.

02.09.2011
02.10.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-6
Weecap

More About The War & The Bloody Changes

Auditions: Los Angeles - Nothing of note happens whatsoever.

02.03.2011
02.04.2011
C

Jacob Clifton

10-5
Weecap

Do It Like A Dude

Auditions: The ATX - A landslide of sweet cowboys, cute couples, puppies, hugs and rainbow soup. Meaning tonight's will probably be a bloody nightmare, but still: Nice for now.

02.02.2011
02.03.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-4
Weecap

Everybody's All American

Auditions: Nashville - Randy decides he's figured out the Simon Formula. He is wrong.

01.27.2011
01.28.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-3
Weecap

Double Dream Hands All The Way

Auditions: Milwaukee - Randy punches a lady in the face.

01.26.2011
01.27.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-2
Weecap

NOLA Contendere

Auditions: New Orleans - The first truly good episode of this show. Ever.

01.20.2011
01.21.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

10-1
Recap

James Franco in the Mouth Area

Auditions: New Jersey - It's a kinder, softer Idol in the wake of Simon's loss. I mean, there's still fun to be had at the expense of the mentally ill, but we also get to see actual singers.

01.19.2011
01.20.2011
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-43
Weecap

Simon Says

Finale - Everybody's a winner! But nobody quite as much as Simon, who's getting out just in time.

05.26.2010
05.27.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-42
Weecap

Lee Lies When He Cries

Finale: Part I - Six songs, two finalists, and a bunch of people we never wanted to see again.

05.25.2010
05.26.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-41
Weecap

You Look So Deep! It Humbles Me!

Top Three: Results - Parenting tips from Casey! Diabetes maintenance advice from Crystal! A garbled nonsensical mess courtesy of Lee! Plus, some dude named Travis.

05.19.2010
05.20.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-40
Weecap

The Major Lift

Performances: Top Three - Judges' Choice! But without Paula, is there even a point?

05.18.2010
05.19.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-39
Weecap

Ahoy, Polloi!

Top 4: Results - Fantasia, DAUGHTRY and Bon Jovi happened before someone was finally sent packing.

05.12.2010
05.13.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-38
Weecap

Take This Sinking Boat & Point It Home

Top Four: Performances - Jamie Foxx mentors Movie Night, along with a few duets among the remaining Idols. What could possibly go wrong?

05.11.2010
05.12.2010
C

Jacob Clifton

9-37
Weecap

You Can't Say He Never Tried

Top Five: Results - A bunch of annoying medleys, and a non-shock boot, and we're at Top Four.

05.05.2010
05.06.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-36
Weecap

A Lofty Roach Soufflé

Top Five: Performances - One Harry Connick Jr. mentors the kids on the songs of one Frank Sinatra. So how's your day been so far?

05.04.2010
05.05.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-35
Weecap

Carrie Underwood Presents: Some People

Top 6: Results - With so few people left, we enter the harrowing period of anxiously filling up this hour-long piece of crap with random guest stars and duets.

04.28.2010
04.29.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-34
Weecap

It (Only) Hurts When You're Singing

Top 6: Performances - Pretend singers pretending to sing the pretend songs of a pretend singer? Is this Shania Night or a tribute to Baudrillard?

04.27.2010
04.28.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-33
Weecap

A Spring Clean For The May Queen

Idol Gives Back: Results - Somebody actually goes home!

04.21.2010
04.22.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-32
Weecap

Do You Feel Inspired?

Top Seven Performances - What could be more inspirational than dealing with Alicia Keys? I ask you.

04.20.2010
04.21.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-31
Weecap

Shaken Up In Vegas

Results: Top 9 Minus 2 - Not a shock elimination among them, but at least the guest singers were awful this week. Next week: Alicia Keys. Yeah.

04.14.2010
04.15.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-30
Weecap

Caught In A Trap

Performances: Top 9 Again, I Guess - Elvis Night does everything bad that Beatles Night forgot to do, but at least Siobhan sticks to her guns about being terrible some more.

04.13.2010
04.14.2010
A

Jacob Clifton

9-29
Weecap

One Tin Uterus Rides Away

Results: Top 9 - And lo, one week before Lambert returned there appeared unto them a messenger, calling out: "Be not afraid! Take shelter under this, my umbrella!"

04.07.2010
04.08.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-28
Weecap

A Dingo Ate Your Gokey

Performances: Top Nine - Lennon/McCartney engender the same mix of sublime and obnoxious as last year, resulting in a few classic performances and the ongoing fiasco that is Andrew Garcia.

04.06.2010
04.07.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-27
Weecap

She's A Snarl-Toothed Bieber!

Top Ten: Results - While the Bottom Three is somewhat surprising, the eventual home-goer is really not. But if you're reading this, chances are you'll be pleasantly surprised.

03.31.2010
04.01.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-26
Weecap

Through The Fire & Right Into The Frying Pan

Top 10: Performances - R&B Week means lots of oldies, a few newies, and a couple in-betweenies, but that just means Katie's right at home.

03.30.2010
03.31.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-25
Weecap

Who Sucked Out The Feeling?

Top 11: Results - In the wake of Miley, horrors do follow.

03.24.2010
03.25.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-24
Weecap

Farty in the U.S.A.

Top 11: Billboard Number Ones - Excuse the inelegant pun, but a performance night this uninspiring doesn't deserve much more. Miley Cyrus "mentors," Tim juggles and rides a unicycle, Casey climbs into the Bad Idea DeLorian, and hardly anybody sings anything interesting.

03.23.2010
03.24.2010
C-

Joe R

9-23
Weecap

One Of The Top 12 Must Go Home Tonight!

One Of The Top 12 Must Go Home Tonight! - Bye, Lacey, but we knew it was coming when we saw you got beat by Megan Joy last year.

03.17.2010
03.18.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-22
Weecap

It's Barely Rock & Roll, But I Like It

Top 12: Stones Night - Some gruff old bastard struts his stuff like he's relevant (and that's just Katie Stevens!), but then in the second hour things get way awesome. Yeah, it's weird.

03.16.2010
03.17.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-21
Weecap

Everybody Hurts

Top 12: Results - Three shock-boots and one mercy-killing; Giraud and Blind Gums McIntyre toast Billy Joel; everybody cries for an uncomfortable amount of time.

03.11.2010
03.12.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-20
Weecap

You Are The Uterus

Top 8: Men - The boys try to be half the woman -- or the man -- Crystal Bowersox continues to be.

03.10.2010
03.11.2010
F

Jacob Clifton

9-19
Weecap

Whatever Makes Randy Shut Up

Top 8: Women - Tracy Chapman, Patsy Cline, Fleetwood Mac and Carole King make for a slightly boring but technically proficient episode. Just be happy it was only an hour long.

03.09.2010
03.10.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-18
Weecap

Planet Seacrest

Top 20: Results - Four boots: One painful but forgone, one inevitable but satisfying, and two characterized by the fact that I can't remember them five minutes later.

03.04.2010
03.05.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-17
Weecap

"Truth Is Reality... Right?"

Top 10: Women - Aretha, Coldplay, Corinne Bailey Rae & Creedence. Come, enjoy Your Dentist's Office Theme Night with us!

03.03.2010
03.04.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-16
Weecap

"I Have My Own Language Too!"

Top 10: Men - People are told to get into and out of various boxes, for over two hours. Think Cesar Milan, but with teenage boys.

03.02.2010
03.03.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-15
Weecap

"You've Mastered The Art Of Conversation?"

Top 24: Results - Something about Haiti, and some shockers go home.

02.25.2010
02.26.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-14
Weecap

"Pay Attention To Your Monitor There, Prettyboy."

Top 24: Men - No weird costumes, but a lot of pitch issues and a great deal of sexual harassment make for a fine substitute.

02.24.2010
02.25.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-13
Weecap

"I Think I Know What Her Word Bubble Was."

Top 24: Women - Strange costumes, weird judging, and Kara acting out Paula-style.

02.23.2010
02.24.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-12
Weecap

"If I Were Bikini Kill I Would ______ You Right Now!"

Hollywood: The End - The other Top 17 are revealed! They are not shocking!

02.17.2010
02.18.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-11
Weecap

"He Has His Hair Down For Ya."

Hollywood: Three Rooms & A Partial Chair - Seven of the Top 24 are announced; everybody else goes crazy; Mary Powers slumps back to the sewer whence she crept.

02.16.2010
02.17.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-10
Weecap

"It Was Surreal, Is What It Was."

Hollywood: Group Night - Stare... At some more people we've never seen! Marvel... At the ongoing horror of Mary! Try... To care about Big Mike's stupid baby!

02.10.2010
02.11.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-9
Weecap

"Sexy And Scary: It's A Fine Line."

Hollywood: In The Aufing - Turns out Ellen was a really good idea.

02.09.2010
02.10.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-8
Weecap

"If It's Good Enough For Daughtry..."

Auditions: Road To Hollywood - Remember the last three weeks? Here's... More. Taste the burnout!

02.03.2010
02.04.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-7
Weecap

"Don't Move Your Hips Like That, Honey."

Auditions: Denver - Posh returns for the last audition city, and nothing of note occurs.

02.02.2010
02.03.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-6
Weecap

"You're What My Nightmares Look And Sound Like."

Auditions: Dallas - Neil Patrick Harris! Also, some people singing or something.

01.27.2010
01.28.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-5
Weecap

cul8rboi!

Auditions: LA - One delightful summer day with Avril, followed by the unending cruel winter of Katy Perry.

01.26.2010
01.27.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-4
Weecap

I've Got To Go Wash The Glitter Off

Auditions: Orlando - 31 hopefuls make it to Hollywood, and we don't really get to see any of them thanks to the parade of jerks we get to see instead.

01.20.2010
01.21.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-3
Weecap

"Once, I Had A Real Bad Asthma Attack"

Auditions: Chicago - In this special episode, variously talented hopefuls run the risk of national embarrassment in order to appear on a game show which is itself a national embarrassment. Starring Randy Jackson.

01.19.2010
01.20.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-2
Weecap

"If I Didn't Have A Dress On, I'd Throw You A Backflip."

Auditions: Atlanta - It's Susan Boyle Day in the ATL, as everybody masquerades like they can't sing and then blossoms into beauty. Or occasionally into crazy.

01.13.2010
01.14.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

9-1
Weecap

"I Am Now Angry At You. Who I Don't Like. At All."

Auditions: Boston - One hot sex offender, 48 Golden Tickets, and the cremains of Posh Spice.

01.12.2010
01.13.2010
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-40
Weecap

Me You and The Flossy Flossy We Both Already Knew

Finale: Results - One hour and fifty-five minutes of nothing but Ryan trying to make boring less so, followed by five minutes of WTF-O-OK.

05.20.2009
05.21.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-39
Weecap

Whoa! Boundaries!

Finale: Performances - The Idols keep it calm for their last outing, Simon Fuller sort of rules, and Ryan's frontal lobe disorder is finally diagnosed.

05.19.2009
05.20.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-38
Weecap

I Know It's Everybody's Sin

Top 3: Results - You absolutely will not believe what happened tonight. It all starts with this little Rwandan kid...

05.13.2009
05.14.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-37
Weecap

Achtung, Maybe

Top 3: Performances - Gokey plays to the cheap seats, Adam goes buckwild as usual, and Kris does something astonishing.

05.12.2009
05.13.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-36
Weecap

Just A Girl

Top 4: Results - No Doubt, DOUGHY and Paula Abdul sing, and the sausage party commences.

05.06.2009
05.07.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-35
Weecap

Please Stop Believin'

Top 4: Performances - Rock Night! Slash, Idol duets, and the most awesome outrage Danny Gokey has ever perpetrated.

05.05.2009
05.06.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-34
Weecap

Chairmen Of The Bored

Top 5: Results - One dumb food fight and six extraneous performances later, your Final Four take their bows.

04.29.2009
04.30.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-33
Weecap

Some Came Running, Others Limped

Top 5: Performances - Matt and Allison biff their gimme week, Rat Pack Night, but Danny justifies his presence, while Adam and Kris do their usual things.

04.28.2009
04.29.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-32
Weecap

Disco Nap

Top 7: Results - David Archuleta heads a collection of aging disco divas as troubling as they are irrelevant; two Idols go home. Not as exciting as it sounds.

04.22.2009
04.23.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-29
Weecap

Manic! At The Disco

Top 7: Performances - Weird clothes, another round of Top 7 performances, and two Idols in danger. Must be Disco Night!

04.21.2009
04.22.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-30
Weecap

Then It's Just Wigs, All The Way Down

Top 7: Results - Hannah Montana takes off her wig to reveal Miley Cyrus who takes off her wig to reveal cogs and wires and Cheetos. Then, the judges finally use their Power of Veto which, given how biffed last night was, is fairly polite.

04.15.2009
04.16.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-29
Weecap

Bring Out The Gimps

Top 7: Performances - You love movies, you love music, the Idols decide they hate both under Tarantino's tutelage.

04.14.2009
04.15.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-28
Weecap

The Search Is Over... For You

Top 8: Results - America, pat yourself on the back for no longer patting yourself on the back, and letting Scott go home.

04.08.2009
04.09.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-27
Weecap

"Yeah, But I Make More Sense, Paula"

Top 8: Performances - Songs from the Year you were Born, usually a trainwreck, starts with some throat-clearing but eventually evens out into a surprisingly tender onslaught of awesome.

04.07.2009
04.08.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-26
Weecap

Try It With The Sound Off Next Time

Top 9: Results - Megan's Bob Marley abomination fights her real talents, but they come out swinging 0 for two.

04.01.2009
04.02.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-25
Weecap

"What Sucks The Most?"

Top 9: Performances - Everything. Everything sucks in this episode. People dressed like clowns, clowns singing like they're people, Danny and Megan are still here... It's just a nightmare, a ninety-minute nightmare. What happened?

03.31.2009
04.01.2009
F

Jacob Clifton

8-24
Weecap

Two Inches Or A Yard

Top 10: Results - Things get rough for our little roughneck, but the Judgery are both cruel and just, which is how they got the job.

03.26.2009
03.27.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-23
Weecap

"We're Not Allowed To Show That!"

Top 10: Performances - Motown, Smokey, and a new shocker from Adam Lambert.

03.25.2009
03.26.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-22
Weecap

Please Don't Dump Me Just Because You Can

Top 11: Results - The new Evil Power of Veto is just about the meanest thing that ever happened. So pass the popcorn.

03.18.2009
03.19.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-21
Weecap

It Burns! Burns! Burns!

Top 11: Performances - Country night can only mean two things: Megan and Mike do dumb stuff, and Adam gets ten times weirder even than usual.

03.17.2009
03.18.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-20
Weecap

Turns Out I Can Say Goodbye, Actually

Top 13: Results - Two down.

03.11.2009
03.12.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-19
Weecap

"It's Fine Being Artistic, Just Not On This Show."

Top 13: Performances - Michael Jackson Night! A truly shocking amount of enjoyable performances, and a tattooed girl does an offensive chicken dance.

03.10.2009
03.11.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-18
Weecap

Life Without Randy

Semifinals: Wild Card Special - The Top 12 are revealed... Or are they? Surprises abound in the fourth and final hour of this show for the week.

03.05.2009
03.06.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-17
Weecap

This Show's Been Too Long For Too Long

Results: Group C - The third trio of Top 12ers is revealed, as well as the pool of Wild Cards, who go from twenty to eight just in time for tonight's pointless extra hour.

03.04.2009
03.05.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-16
Weecap

I Would Do Anything For Love Including That, To Be Honest

Semifinals: Group C - The most annoying episode of this show, ever? Probably. The most entertaining as well? Oh, by far.

03.03.2009
03.04.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-15
Weecap

"I'm Like A Big Destiny Person."

Results: Group B - The male and female winners of the week are pretty obvious, as are the losers from this week's performances, and we say goodbye to multiple old friends, but the gender-neutral choice just might surprise you.

02.26.2009
02.27.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-14
Weecap

"It's Steven Tyler meets Fall Out Boy meets Robert Pattinson!"

Semifinals: Group B - The second herd of 12 competes for the next three spots, or something.

02.25.2009
02.26.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-13
Weecap

How To Lose Friends & Alienate People

Results: Group 1 - Danny, Alexis and Sarver make it through to the Top 12; one of them does his best to become the most hated contestant ever; Tatiana registers for a handgun.

02.18.2009
02.19.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-12
Weecap

Every Little Thing She Does Is Tragic! Tragic! Tragic!

Semifinals: Group 1 - Was it really the worst episode of this show... Ever?

02.17.2009
02.18.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-11
Weecap

"Just Try, For Once, Not To Be Annoying."

Hollywood: The Chair - If you have any faith at all in this show, you will more than likely be surprised by the Top 36. If you actually exist, however, trust us: this is going to be the awesomest season ever.

02.11.2009
02.12.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-10
Weecap

"So That's A No?"

Hollywood: The Sorting Hat - The Top 72 become the Top 54, wasting an hour of our time and a week of theirs.

02.10.2009
02.11.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-9
Weecap

"I Saw An Evil! In Her Eyes!"

Hollywood: Group Night! - From 107 down to 75, just in time for the Chair next week. Among the fallen: Emily the Strange, Shoeless Rose, Jailbait Austin and Bikini Kill. Surprising successes? Performin' Norman, Crybaby Headband, and Psychedelic Tatiana.

02.04.2009
02.05.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-8
Weecap

"I Feel It On My Skin! It Bursts Out Of Me!"

Hollywood: Pass The Mic - The millions become just around one hundred, eight people and two meltdowns at a time, over a two-day period.

02.03.2009
02.04.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-7
Weecap

"It Hurts Where You Get Kicked Sometimes."

Auditions: NYC/San Juan - An hour of American Idol comes and goes, and in it: things happen. That's pretty much all we know for sure.

01.29.2009
01.30.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-6
Weecap

"Bunny! Hi, Bunny!"

Auditions: Salt Lake City - Utah! Come for the giant teeth, stay for the singing! Leave as soon as you possibly can!

01.28.2009
01.29.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-5
Weecap

"A Lot Of People Fear Physics."

Auditions: Jacksonville - Who knew it could get more boring than San Francisco?

01.27.2009
01.28.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-4
Weecap

"Was That A Threat?" "That Was A Threat."

Auditions: Louisville - Skip the mint juleps and serve yourself some bourbon neat, because Kentucky is not going to be kind.

01.21.2009
01.22.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-3
Weecap

"Paula Had A Very Hit Song... When I Was A Child."

Auditions: San Francisco - Tilda Swinton beatboxes, Ellen Page builds this city, and several deeply uncomfortable spazzes give us the best they've got.

07.24.2014
01.21.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-2
Weecap

"These Are My Crazy Pills!"

Auditions: Kansas City - Heartwarming and stomach-turning in equal amounts, Kansas City raises the annoying quotient while shoveling us yet more horrific backstories. On the menu tonight: Congenital heart conditions, dead wives, and tornadoes!

01.14.2009
01.15.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

8-1
Weecap

"Next Time, Just Come Naked"

Auditions: Phoenix - Somewhere between Ryan Seacrest and the cast of Friday Night Lights, a new name has inscribed itself on the All-Time Awesome Board Of Fame. That name is Kara DioGuardi, and this is the story of how she blew ya mind.

01.13.2009
01.14.2009
A+

Jacob Clifton

7-42
Weecap

The David We Deserve

Season 7: Finale, Part II - In a good way, though! Well, depending on which pony you backed. Or else you're simply a disinterested observer, in which case... David Cook won, is what we're saying.

05.21.2008
05.22.2008
A-

Joe R

7-41
Weecap

In Which Simon Messes With Your Head

Season 7: Finale, Part I - Two Davids, three songs, and a nation divided: which will have the honor of being crushed beneath the wheels of an antique and monstrous industry? America, you decide!

05.20.2008
05.21.2008
A

Jacob Clifton

7-40
Weecap

Local Radio Gods

Season 7: Top 3 Results - The home visits are just as scintillating as ever, and the Top 3 elimination is even more predictable. Thank God we have Fantasia to freak out and scream at us in the most fantastic way possible.

05.14.2008
05.15.2008
B-

Joe R

7-39
Weecap

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing. Except Syesha.

Season 7: Top 3 Perform - Three kids, nine songs, infinite chances for tragedy.

05.13.2008
05.14.2008
A

Jacob Clifton

7-38
Weecap

In The Jingle-Jangle Something We'll Come Following You

Season 7: Top 4 Results - Jason's cast off to wander the Earth and sing for his supper while Syesha lives to be an inspiration for another week.

05.07.2008
05.08.2008
B-

Joe R

7-37
Weecap

Tender Is The Night

Season 7: Top 4 Performances - David Archuleta doesn't want us to forget that he is made of plush, David Cook doesn't want us to forget Duran Duran, Syesha doesn't want us to forget the terrible hardships she hasn't suffered, and Jason doesn't want to remember anything anymore.

05.06.2008
05.07.2008
B-

Joe R

7-36
Weecap

She Was, She Went

Season 7: Top 5 Results - Brooke finally goes home to a week-long nap, a loving family, and the knowledge that she's good at music, if not this show.

04.30.2008
05.01.2008
C

Jacob Clifton

7-35
Weecap

Good Times Never Seemed So Sad

Season 7: Top 5 Performances - Archuleta shoots for the LCD, Brooke finally steps it up, and David Cook continues to beguile America.

04.29.2008
04.30.2008
C

Jacob Clifton

7-34
Weecap

She'll Play The Wild Rover No Never, No More

Season 7: Top 6 Results - See, because Carly's Irish! And she's going home! Yes, Carly takes her best performance of the season into the sunset with her as we celebrate Broadway in all its Idol-supporting glory, and all the contestants are the exact same kind of over this show.

04.23.2008
04.24.2008
B-

Joe R

7-33
Weecap

The Muuuuuusic Of Your Nightmares

Season 7: Top 6 Performances - Syesha, Carly, and Cook rock Broadway, while Brooke edges closer and closer to her breakdown.

04.22.2008
04.23.2008
A-

Jacob Clifton

7-32
Recap

Season 7: Top 7 Results

Season 7: Top 7 Results - Brooke is safe and KLC's out? For real?

04.16.2008
04.17.2008
A

Jacob Clifton

7-31
Recap

Season 7: Top 7 Performances

Season 7: Top 7 Performances - American Idol and Mariah go together like babies and pacifiers. Or so we've heard.

04.15.2008
04.16.2008
B

Joe R

7-30
Recap

Season 7 Idol Gives Back: Results

Season 7 Idol Gives Back: Results - Sometimes they say "shocking" and it's not shocking, and then sometimes they say "shocking" and it's like three times moreso than you think it'll be. This is one of those times.

04.10.2008
04.11.2008
B-

Jacob Clifton

7-29
Recap

Season 7: Idol Gives Back

Season 7: Idol Gives Back - That's how long this year's "Idol Gives Back" show took to tell us that Chris Daughtry and Miley Cyrus truly care.

04.09.2008
04.10.2008
C

Joe R

7-28
Recap

Season 7: Top Eight Performances

Season 7: Top Eight Performances - It's Opposites Day here at Idol: Both Davids forget how to sing, Brooke finally remembers where she is, and the Colonel blows everybody else away.

04.08.2008
04.09.2008
D

Jacob Clifton

7-27
Recap

Why'd You Come In Here Looking Like That?

Season 7: Top Nine Results - Carly, Michael, and Cook refuse to explain themselves, but the night belongs to Ramiele. Finally.

04.01.2008
04.03.2008
D

Jacob Clifton

7-26
Recap

Season 7: Top 9 Performances

Season 7: Top 9 Performances - Simon proves as prickly as he ever is when faced with a night full of country music, even when that music was written by the incomparable Dolly Parton.

03.31.2008
04.02.2008
B-

Joe R

7-25
Recap

Season 7: Top 10 Results

Season 7: Top 10 Results - Chikezie pays the ultimate price for boring us, then making us care, then boring us again.

03.25.2008
03.27.2008
C-

Joe R

7-24
Recap

The Year You Were Awful

Season Seven: Top 10 Performances - {Weecap} Sometimes everybody is terrible at the same time and you feel really bad about watching this show. And then comes an episode like this, and you wonder how it's possible to feel even worse.

03.24.2008
03.26.2008
D

Jacob Clifton

7-23
Recap

Season 7: Top 11 Results

Season 7: Top 11 Results - Much like Janis, Amanda is gone too soon. Unlike Janis, it's only "too soon" by a week or two.

03.18.2008
03.20.2008
D+

Joe R

7-22
Recap

Another Day In The Life

Season 7: Top 11 Performances - Beatles Week II turns out to be a huge mistake. Like we all said.

03.17.2008
03.19.2008
C-

Joe R

7-21
Recap

He'll Never Dance With Another

Season 7: Top 12 Results - Uh..."WHOOO"? The show continues its systematic elimination of anyone who's ever set foot in a gay bar as David Hernandez gets the boot. Next on the list: that hag Ramiele.

03.11.2008
03.13.2008
C

Joe R

7-20
Recap

Sometimes We Cannot Work It Out

Season 7: Top 12 - Kristy Lee goes so far into Bad that she ends up at Awesome; David A. shows his tiny little feet of clay; and Jason, Brooke, and Chikezie remind us why we watch this show.

03.10.2008
03.12.2008
B-

Jacob Clifton

7-19
Recap

Sorry, I Don't Pray That Way

Season 7: Top 16 Results - Danny pays the price for the zeitgeist; while Kady and Asia'h and Luke all go home, obviously.

03.05.2008
03.07.2008
D-

Jacob Clifton

7-18
Recap

The Joy Of Rediscovering You

Season 7: Top 16 Girls - The final 8 girls pick better '80s songs than the boys did but don't all perform them as well. Kady and Kristy Lee continue to struggle to make an impression. The judges struggle to keep their hands to themselves.

03.04.2008
03.06.2008
C+

Joe R

7-17
Recap

Vote For Luke! Before He Go-Go!

Season 7: Top 16 Boys - ...Sadly, Luke ensures that he will go-go, while everybody else softly and reverently beholds the power of cheese.

03.03.2008
03.05.2008
A

Jacob Clifton

7-16
Recap

The Yard Of Blonde Girls

Season 7: Top 20 Results - The Top Sixteen are revealed: goodbye streaked Jason Y., bewigged Robbie, random blonde girl Alaina, and A-Lush.

02.27.2008
02.29.2008
C-

Jacob Clifton

7-15
Recap

I Bet You Think This Song Choice Is About You

Season 7: Top 20 Girls - Song selection damns at least 80% of the final ten women as Carly gets back on track, almost everyone else stumbles, and Amanda scares the hell out of small children.

02.26.2008
02.28.2008
B-

Joe R

7-14
Recap

Without Hype, Where Would You Be Right Now?

Season 7: Top 10 Boys Perform - The Boys take on the '70s, Simon's fashion sense, and the strange world of words and their meanings. Paula is intrigued.

02.25.2008
02.26.2008
B-

Jacob Clifton

7-13
Recap

Last Hired, First Fired

Season 7: Top 24 Results - Maybe there's something to that "last person in the Top 24" thing after all, as Colton and Joanne fall, along with the one crappy girl and the boy with the hair.

02.20.2008
02.22.2008
B+

Joe R

7-12
Recap

Come On, Baby, And Rescue Me...Or Whatever

Girls: Top 24 - Take twelve girls with Ebola, completely sap them of even the basic desire for survival, mix in a few nasty British comments...and stir. If any of these girls live, they might become superstars.

02.19.2008
02.21.2008
C-

Jacob Clifton

7-11
Recap

Hey Simon, Welcome To The '60s

Guys: Top 24 - The stupid decision to place theme restrictions on the semifinal rounds means a whole lot of young kids getting criticized for sounding old-fashioned and not a lot of finding out what these guys are really like. Some pretty good singing, though.

02.18.2008
02.20.2008
B+

Joe R

7-10
Recap

Chair Dance

The Chair - One last hurdle before we can get this competition going for real. Simon displays a heretofore unseen dork solidarity, Paula makes hash of what we know as "suspense," and most of the people you've seen before make it through.

02.12.2008
02.14.2008
B-

Joe R

7-9
Recap

Two! "Full"! Hours!

Hollywood Season Seven - They broke Hollywood! The Top 164 becomes the Top 50, and it takes two hours, but if you think that means we get to see much of anything, you'd be wrong.

02.11.2008
02.12.2008
A

Jacob Clifton

7-8
Recap

Have Circumnavigated Globe. Am Still Unable To Locate My Baby.

Auditions: The Best Of The Rest - Dingoes did not eat the most promising singers! They were just hidden, here in the last audition episode. Whew!

02.05.2008
02.07.2008
C-

Jacob Clifton

7-7
Recap

Flyin' First Class

Auditions: Atlanta - Living in your car may be G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S, but Harley-riding nurses are truly flossy-flossy.

02.04.2008
02.06.2008
B-

Joe R

7-6
Recap

Miami, Miami, You've Got...Nothing

Auditions: Miami - This is getting ridiculous. Crappy singers get through, while good singers...did something else that day.

01.29.2008
01.30.2008
D+

Joe R

7-5
Recap

Don't Quit Your Day Job(s), Seacrest

Auditions: Omaha - Handstands, lady wrestlers, and the least inspiring crew of creeps, losers and weirdos possibly ever spotted in one place. Omaha, on behalf of Idol we apologize.

01.28.2008
01.30.2008
B-

Jacob Clifton

7-4
Recap

True Love Waits, Seacrest

Auditions: Charleston - A new baby, some rude youngsters, and a little lesson in chastity -- why, what were you expecting?

01.22.2008
01.24.2008
C-

Jacob Clifton

7-3
Recap

Un-American Idol

Auditions: San Diego - The two best auditions in San Diego come from an Australian surfer and a tattooed Irish lass, while everyone else is either boringly decent or boringly bad. Simon manages to make a lap dance look wholesome, though.

01.21.2008
01.23.2008
C-

Joe R

7-2
Recap

Dateline Is Watching, Seacrest

Auditions: Dallas - It's just like in Philly, but in Dallas instead. Have you ever heard of Kelly Clarkson? Does the name bother you yet? Because it's about to.

01.15.2008
01.17.2008
B-

Jacob Clifton

7-1
Recap

Yes! You're Going To Hollywood! Whatever!

Auditions: Philadelphia - Seventh verse, same as the first. Idol kicks off in Philadelphia with slightly more good auditions than in the past, but also way more Star Wars geeks than is advisable.

01.14.2008
01.16.2008
C+

Joe R

6-40
Recap

The Young Americans

Grand Finale - Two hours, the nearly complete absence of the Final Two, a bunch of hoo-hah, and a fair bit of awesome. Next year's a long way away.

05.22.2007
05.24.2007
A+

Jacob Clifton

6-39
Recap

Arrival Of A Train At A Station

Performance: Top 2 - Jordin and Blake do their thing, the judges do an unrelated thing, Ryan knows more than he's saying, and a bunch of famous people get snapped in the audience in unflattering poses. Lots of noise, not a lot of enjoyment: must be finale time.

05.21.2007
05.23.2007
C-

Jacob Clifton

6-38
Recap

Didn't We Almost Have It All?

Top 3: Results - So close! The best singer this show's seen since Kelly Clarkson almost went the distance. Doolittle leaves with all the class you'd expect, and we all hope she'll avoid whatever happened to poor Elliott.

05.15.2007
05.20.2007
B-

Joe R

6-37
Recap

Television City City Limits

Top 3: Performances - Melinda takes on Tina, Blake takes on Sting, Jordin takes on Simon, and America takes in the best Top 3 ever.

05.14.2007
05.19.2007
B+

Joe R

6-36
Recap

On That Midnight Train To Michigan

Top 4: Results - LaKisha finally falls to the Melinda/Blake/Jordin troika, steps in it a few times, but abruptly turns the episode awesome right at the end.

05.08.2007
05.13.2007
A+

Jacob Clifton

6-35
Recap

We Learn To Respect The Power Of Pandering

Top 4: Performances - Disco night comes rolling inexorably upon us, leaving LaKisha in a mess of her own making and turning Blake into some kind of dang superhero.

05.07.2007
05.13.2007
A+

Jacob Clifton

6-34
Recap

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

Top 6, Part II: Results - It's a tough night for the Idol hopefuls, as their happy little family of six gets brutally pared down to four. Bon Jovi performs, and JBJ is still awesome, but we lose Phil, which is sad. But that's nothing compared to the tears shed when Blake has to say goodbye to Chris.

05.01.2007
05.06.2007
B

Couch Baron

6-33
Recap

HAVE A NICE DAY!

Top 6, Part II: Performances - So says Melinda as she rocks out. LaKisha returns to form, Blake is awesome, as is Phil; Chris is good, and Jordin gives us our quota of big hair and big suck.

04.30.2007
05.05.2007
A

Couch Baron

6-32
Recap

Idol Gives Something

Idol Gives Back - No eliminations, no logic, no stopping, no quarter. Idol Gives till it hurts, and then gives some more.

04.24.2007
04.30.2007
A

Jacob Clifton

6-31
Recap

Caring Is Creepy

Top 6: Performances - Idol Gives Back in mysterious ways, to mysterious organizations, and everybody cries for a bit.

04.23.2007
04.30.2007
B-

Jacob Clifton

6-30
Recap

So...Now What?

Top 7: Results - Sanjaya Malakar is finally gone. What will we talk about on Wednesdays?

04.17.2007
04.23.2007
B+

Joe R

6-29
Recap

Country Is A Type Of Singing

Top 7: Performances - Just don't try telling Simon that. Chris snots off to the judges, with mitigating circumstances, while Melinda and Jordin soar, and Phil maybe saves himself.

04.16.2007
04.22.2007
B-

Joe R

6-28
Recap

Te Quiero, Mi Amor!

Top 8: Results - It's probably weird that a group sing of "Bailamos" and a J. Lo live performance are two of the better performances of the week, right? Regardless, here we are. Haley goes home, and America is once again safe from the tyranny of the exposed thigh.

04.10.2007
04.16.2007
B+

Joe R

6-27
Recap

Turn It Up, Turn It Up, Turn It Upside Down!

Top 8: Performances - It's Latin night, and Melinda and LaKisha are underwhelming, but Sanjaya's effing great! What's going on with this show?

04.09.2007
04.14.2007
D+

Joe R

6-26
Recap

Top 9: Results

Top 9: Results - Gina gets a case of the Haley Syndrome and they carry her out after a truly classy goodbye.

04.03.2007
04.08.2007
B-

Jacob Clifton

6-25
Recap

Top 9: Performances

Top 9: Performances - Tony Bennett swings by for a ring-a-ding time of boring the hell out of everybody.

04.02.2007
04.08.2007
N/A

Jacob Clifton

6-24
Recap

Top 10: Results

Top 10: Results - Chris Sligh goes home, and nobody even remembers to pretend to cry except for Ryan Seacrest, who fiercely loves fat kids and always will.

03.27.2007
04.01.2007
A+

Jacob Clifton

6-23
Recap

Top 10: Performances

Top 10: Performances - Blake is great! Jordin is great! LaKisha does disco! Sanjaya is B-A-N-A-N-A-S! Gwen Stefani! Some other people also!

03.26.2007
04.01.2007
A

Jacob Clifton

6-22
Recap

To Steph, With Insufficient Love

Top 11: Results - Lulu shows up Peter Noone once again, and Stephanie Edwards gets hustled out the door in the last two minutes.

03.20.2007
03.27.2007
C+

Joe R

6-21
Recap

Where's Olive?

Top 11: Performances - She's freaking the hell out at the Idol taping, that's where. It's British Invasion week: Sanjaya makes the girls (or girl) cry, Jordin makes her presence felt, and Lulu proves to be a thousand percent cooler than Peter Noone.

03.19.2007
03.26.2007
A

Joe R

6-20
Recap

T > D > Y When y = t; x = ♥

Top 12: The Results - Brandon goes home, flanked by the just-surviving Sanjaya and Phil. Well, Ailing Phil's the one that's "just surviving"; Sanjaya is doing something much more terrible. To all of us.

03.13.2007
03.19.2007
A

Jacob Clifton

6-19
Recap

Ryan Wants Muscles!

Performance: Top 12 - Simon and Ryan's awkward courtship continues as they admit their love of dressing up like Diana Ross. Also creepily dressed up like Diana Ross: Diana Ross.

03.12.2007
03.19.2007
A

Jacob Clifton

6-18
Recap

King Jeremy The Wicked Sent You Home

Top 16: The Results - The remorseless reign of Sanjaya's terror claims another victim, as...oh wait. Sundance totally sucked ass. Never mind! On the other hand, we'll miss Sabrina terribly, Jared intermittently, and Antonella not at all.

03.07.2007
03.13.2007
B+

Joe R

6-17
Recap

Take Your Records Off

Top 16: The Girls - Antonella sucks harder than ever, while Melinda adds some strut to her game. In between, everyone else does what they're supposed to do, and Randy introduces us to the "Yo" factor.

03.06.2007
03.12.2007
B

Joe R

6-16
Recap

The Prime Of Miss Paula Abdul

Top 16: The Boys - Hold on to your asses, folks, but Paula's the most accurate and insightful judge. And for once, that's not an elaborate slam on the other two. The top 8 boys are kind of crappy...again.

03.05.2007
03.10.2007
C+

Joe R

6-15
Recap

America Don't Care For Jazz

Top 20: The Results - Nick, AJ, Leslie, and the mysteriously alluring Alaina are sent home. One more week 'til the finals!

02.28.2007
03.05.2007
N/A

Jacob Clifton

6-14
Recap

We Never Really Cared Until We Met You

Top 20: The Girls - Melinda's awesome, LaKisha and Stephanie are fine, Jordin and Sabrina were better last week, Gina gets background help, Haley has lost her way, and Antonella has at least been on TV before, which is more than we can say for Leslie and Alaina.

02.27.2007
03.04.2007
B

Joe R

6-13
Recap

Please Attempt To Scintillate

Top 20: The Guys - Easy choices, mawkish dedications, low-level performances, and Sundance's return to boring form all contribute to making things as accessible and uninteresting as this show could ever have hoped.

02.26.2007
03.04.2007
C-

Jacob Clifton

6-12
Recap

Goodbye, Lipless and Shiny-Face

Top 24: The Results - Rudy, Nicole, Amy, and Paul are eliminated. Fantasia performs. Sligh apologizes. Sanjaya cries.

02.21.2007
02.26.2007
B-

Joe R

6-11
Recap

A Lousy Candle's All I Found

Top 24: Girls - Two hours, twelve songs, fifteen breakups between Simon and Ryan, and more disappointment than you can shake a stick at. At least they're better than the guys this week.

02.20.2007
02.26.2007
A

Jacob Clifton

6-10
Recap

The Great Seacrest Snit Fit Of '07

Top 24: The Guys - Which is exactly like the Great Seacrest Snit Fits of '06, '05, and '04, except that this one resulted in a Teletubbies reference. Some of the guys are good, most of the guys are either bad or boring, and we learn that it's so not fun when Simon feels uncomfortable.

02.19.2007
02.24.2007
C+

Joe R

6-9
Recap

The Blake Lewis Show, Guest-Starring: Everybody

Results: Top 24 - The Chair takes us down from 40 to 24, while the Camera cuts to Blake and Chris Sligh approximately every ten seconds. It's like they're trying to sell you something.

02.13.2007
02.18.2007
A

Jacob Clifton

6-8
Recap

But Isn't She Pretty In Pink?

Hollywood - Up too late? Check. Flirting and not practicing? Check. Hypocrisy, taking the Lord's name in vain, and acting like a total whore? World of check. Man, I love Hollywood week.

02.12.2007
02.18.2007
A

Jacob Clifton

6-7
Recap

Leftover Pie

Auditions: Best Of The Rest - See what got missed while the show was busy focusing on the kids who stepped off the short bus.

02.06.2007
02.11.2007
B

Joe R

6-6
Recap

Forget The Alamo

Auditions: San Antonio - Scary, maladjusted loners and a whole lot of camel toe try to ruin the San Antonio auditions, but an "Other Door" montage and big, awesome William make up for it.

02.05.2007
02.10.2007
B

Joe R

6-5
Recap

Programmed To Receive

Auditions: Los Angeles - "Hi! I'm young and talented and have no self-preservation instinct!" Awesome, we'll eat you later. Now, who's your friend with the developmental disability? Can we get a shot of her, Bob?

01.30.2007
02.04.2007
B-

Jacob Clifton

6-4
Recap

Watergate Still Kind Of Bothers Me

Auditions: Birmingham - The show goes back to the Fertile Crescent of Idols past, Birmingham AL, to see if lightning will strike a fourth time. It doesn't, or maybe it does and we can't tell, because we're too busy being asked to laugh at the less fortunate.

01.29.2007
02.04.2007
B-

Jacob Clifton

6-3
Recap

Don't Cry Out Loud

Auditions: Memphis And New York - Memphis and New York cobble up a handful of actual contenders, while the delusional rejects reach new lows. Simon gets a premonition about Sarah Goldberg and shows up late so he doesn't have to see her at all.

01.22.2007
01.27.2007
B-

Joe R

6-4
Recap

Auditions: New York

Auditions: New York - A thumbnail sketch of the episode to hold you until the recap goes live.

01.23.2007
01.24.2007
N/A

Joe R

6-2
Recap

Take Seattle To The Zoo

Auditions: Seattle - Rainy Seattle expresses its collective affective disorder.

01.16.2007
01.22.2007
C-

Jacob Clifton

6-1
Recap

Act Your Age, Not Your...On Second Thought, Don't Act Your Age

Auditions: Minneapolis - Sixteen-year-olds are much better when they're inspirational former crack babies rather than emotionally immature crybabies. Season 6 kicks off in Minneapolis, where no one is quite destined for greatness, but 90% of the psychos are fairly likeable, so it evens out.

01.15.2007
01.20.2007
B-

Joe R

5-24
Recap

The Princess & The Basket Case

The Idol We Deserve, Part II - The Criminal Brittenum Twins, Ayla the Jock, and Nadia Turner the Brain all steer clear as yet another pointless winner is crowned after two hours of truly frightening behavior by celebrities, personalities, and the Idols in between.

05.23.2006
05.29.2006
B

Jacob Clifton

5-23
Recap

Hate Accompli

Hate Accompli - Taylor's winning this mother, but first we have to go through the motions of the final performance episode. Kat sings of destiny (entitled bitch), while Taylor asks nicely for our approval. That's the kind of Idol everyone can enjoy!

05.22.2006
05.28.2006
C

Joe R

5-22
Recap

The Man Who Cried

Top Three — It's a Cliiiive! - Weeping and jittery Elliott Yamin came into our living rooms, and weeping and jittery he makes his exit. Three songs apiece add up to a razor-thin vote margin. Meanwhile, the visits home reveal that every day is Idol Name Here Day.

05.15.2006
05.20.2006
C+

Joe R

5-22

The Man Who Cried

Top Three — It's a Cliiiive! - Weeping and jittery Elliott Yamin came into our living rooms, and weeping and jittery he makes his exit. Three songs apiece add up to a razor-thin vote margin. Meanwhile, the visits home reveal that every day is Idol Name Here Day.

05.15.2006
05.20.2006
C+

Joe R

5-21
Recap

Black Velvet Inability To Smile

Top 4 — The King Is Gone (So Are You) - Actual shocking eliminations are rare with this show, but this week's a freakout! Chris goes home after Katharine's worst night by far, even though he's been touted as the Chosen One ever since we lost whomever the last supposed Chosen One was.

05.08.2006
05.14.2006
A

Jacob Clifton

5-20
Recap

Something In The Way This Is Stupid

Top 5 — Something In The Way This Is Stupid - Paris goes home after a double-theme night in which most people try to sing songs from the year of their birth, and some people want to sing songs from the charts, but some people don't, and much explanations are made.

05.01.2006
05.07.2006
A

Jacob Clifton

5-19
Recap

"What's a 'Swan Song'?"

"What's A 'Swan Song'?" - Classic love songs aren't afraid to bring the boring, the judges issue a retraction once they realize America hates them, and Kellie is sent away to eat calamari among the barefoot Appalachians of TV stereotype.

04.24.2006
04.30.2006
C

Joe R

5-18
Recap

When You Say "That's All" -- Can I Get That In Writing?

When You Say "That's All" — Can I Get That In Writing? - Rod Stewart drops by for the attack of the Great American Songbook, leaving only Bambi-eyed roadkill in its wake.

04.17.2006
04.20.2006
A+

Jacob Clifton

5-17
Recap

Garble, Garble, Hey!

Top 8: Another One Bites The Dust - If it's any consolation to Bucky, I'm sure he'd have been voted off even if we could understand what he was saying. Come for the Queen, stay for the amped-up stage drama of Paris, Kat, and Kellie.

04.10.2006
04.16.2006
B

Joe R

5-16
Recap

Top 9: You Botoxed Kenny! You Bastards!

Top 9: You Botoxed Kenny! You Bastards! - After a world of suck, Mandisa goes down.

04.03.2006
04.09.2006
C

Jacob Clifton

5-15
Recap

Tuck Nipped

Top 10: Not A Great Song Choice, Dude - Not even Kelly Clarkson herself can save Lisa from her inevitable elimination. The rest of the top ten certainly do their best to give her a sporting chance, though. Your addiction, lifestyle, or situation may be big, but read the recap anyway.

03.27.2006
04.02.2006
D+

Joe R

5-14
Recap

Too Chicken Little, Too Chicken Late

Top 11: Looks Like He Didn't Make It - Barry Manilow knows what ails the final eleven and how to fix it. Unfixable? Chris's Creed addiction, Taylor's personality, Kellie's rouge attack, and Kevin's cosmic displacement.

03.20.2006
03.25.2006
B

Joe R

5-13
Recap

Bull On Parade

Top 12: And Stevie Wonders, "Why?" - The Top 12 starts with less of a bang and more of a whimper as the kids bore their way through some classic Stevie Wonder tunes. Katharine, Bucky, Mandisa, and Chris are great, of course, and then Melissa finally goes home. "Who?" I know, right?

03.13.2006
03.19.2006
C-

Jacob Clifton

5-12
Recap

Don't Raise Your Eye

They're All Wasted! - It's teenage wasteland as Ayla, Will, and Gedeon (along with den mother Kinnik) fall by the wayside, leaving us with our final twelve. Bucky's a twin, Kellie's a mink, and Bo Bice is a pretty, pretty lady.

03.06.2006
03.12.2006
C+

Joe R

5-12

Don't Raise Your Eye

They're All Wasted! - It's teenage wasteland as Ayla, Will, and Gedeon (along with den mother Kinnik) fall by the wayside, leaving us with our final twelve. Bucky's a twin, Kellie's a mink, and Bo Bice is a pretty, pretty lady.

03.06.2006
03.12.2006
C+

Joe R

5-11
Recap

...Love, Rupert Murdoch, Part III

…Love, Rupert Murdoch, Part III - David the fake Dino, Sway the tiny throat-singing Wonderkiller, Brenna the fake diva, and Heather the Hooter's girl all go home. Still around? Kevin Covais, Taylor Hicks, and Paula Abdul's complete lack of a drinking or drug problem.

03.01.2006
03.07.2006
A+

Jacob Clifton

5-10
Recap

...Love, Rupert Murdoch, Part II

…Love, Rupert Murdoch, Part II - Ace flirts with Paula, Will flirts with hilarity, Chris flirts with awesomeness, and David flirts with the cold embrace of the crypt. Ryan flirts with danger, not once, not twice, but thrice.

02.28.2006
03.05.2006
B

Joe R

5-9
Recap

...Love, Rupert Murdoch, Part I

…Love, Rupert Murdoch, Part I - Kellie, Ayla, and Mandisa perform. And apparently some other people too, but we don't actually remember that much. It was very long, and Paula got upset, and it was kind of a blur. Dogjaw!

02.27.2006
03.04.2006
C+

Jacob Clifton

5-8
Recap

Suck It, Sasha Cohen! Part III

Semifinals, Week 1: The Results - Twenty-four get reduced to twenty, with boredom, poor decision-making, badly overmatched talent, and Maxim being to blame.

02.22.2006
02.27.2006
C-

Joe R

5-7
Recap

Suck It, Sasha Cohen! Part II

Semifinals, Week 1: The Boys - A squealing pimp, three tiny children, two maniacal social burdens, a homeless burnout, a pedophile, a muffler technologist, a carnie, a diabetic, and somebody so boring we forgot him, all perform. Only ten will make it through, but the real story is the intense flare-ups of the ongoing Simon/Ryan horror-romance.

02.21.2006
02.26.2006
B-

Jacob Clifton

5-6
Recap

Suck It, Sasha Cohen! Part I

Semifinals, Week 1: The Girls - The top twelve women sing songs of their own choosing. Clearly, choosing is not for everyone, Heather and Brenna.

02.20.2006
02.25.2006
B-

Joe R

5-5
Recap

Hollydidn't

Hollydidn't, Paulashouldn't - The Top 99 become the Top 44, and finally we meet the Top 24, heading into semifinals next week.

02.13.2006
02.19.2006
C

Jacob Clifton

5-5

Hollydidn't

Hollydidn't, Paulashouldn't - The Top 99 become the Top 44, and finally we meet the Top 24, heading into semifinals next week.

02.13.2006
02.19.2006
C

Jacob Clifton

5-4
Recap

Hollywouldn't

Hollywouldn't - The split-second nature of the Hollywood performances leaves plenty of room for sightseeing excursions. Not so starved for screen time in Boston include a Cher impersonator and a Clay impersonator. Yay?

02.06.2006
02.10.2006
C

Joe R

5-3
Recap

Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III

Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part III - Las Vegas and fake Austin bring us the penultimate and antepenultimate audition rounds, which prove to be at least twice as boring as what's come before. At least it's nearly over.

01.30.2006
02.05.2006
N/A

Jacob Clifton

5-2
Recap

Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II

Bo Bice is the New Clay Aiken, Part II - Greensboro and San Francisco offer the usual mix of the pretty talented and the deeply delusional. The judges squabble, with varying degrees of authenticity. And Simon walks out. Gasp!

01.23.2006
01.28.2006
B-

Joe R

5-1
Recap

Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I

Bo Bice Is The New Clay Aiken, Part I - Rockers abound as auditions in Chicago and Denver yield several really troubling individuals, as per usual, and only slight glimpses of the first-round winners. As per usual. Don't cry out loud.

01.16.2006
01.21.2006
B

Jacob Clifton

4-20
Recap

God Bless the Broken Show That Brought Her Here To Us

Skeptacular! Skeptacular! Part II - After an amount of padding rivaling that used for postal delivery of medical samples, every second of which we expected but did not fully comprehend, we finally come limping to the conclusion of AI's fourth season. It's Bo Bice against Carrie Underwood, and only Simon knows who will take it. Well, Simon and everyone else on earth except the show's recapper, apparently. Congratulations to Carrie Underwood: one day she'll be a real girl.

05.24.2005
05.31.2005
B-

Jacob Clifton

4-19
Recap

Some People Wait A Lifetime For Something To Happen

Skeptacular! Skeptacular! Part I - Carrie and Bo each sing the Coronation Single, "Inside You're Just Begging For A Dirty Joke Title"; their B-sides, which have also been written for the show; and their favorite songs from the season. Not ours, I stress, but theirs. With Bo, that leads us to "Vehicle," which is great, but of course Carrie can't resist that Martina McBride song she loves so much, and thus sings three boring songs relatively well, assuring her a victory. Oh, and they both have Ebola or something.

05.23.2005
05.29.2005
C+

Jacob Clifton

4-18
Recap

Goodbye Baby V

The Girl Who Was Good At Singing Disco Songs - All previous futile attempts at thematic consistency aside, this week we get a grab bag of hell, a new kind of road trip that starts in Air Supply, OK, winds through the Badlands and Roy Orbisonia, takes a quick run through the era of Disco, and finally ends at the center of the universe of cred. Then Vonzell goes home, and everybody passes out from shock.

05.17.2005
05.22.2005
B-

Jacob Clifton

4-17
Recap

For The Love Of Money (And Vonzell's Daddy)

Hope You Find A Lot Of Nice Things To Wear - A musical "road trip" from Nashville to Philadelphia inspires A-Fed's elimination, Vonzell's total onstage breakdown and subsequent rally and conquest, Carrie's best week yet artistically but worst week yet critically, and in-depth soul-searching about the two sides of Bo's whole deal.

05.10.2005
05.15.2005
C+

Jacob Clifton

4-16
Recap

Don't Talk Back

The Glitter Rubs Right Off - Our Top Five two songs, one old and one new, none interesting, and Scott is dangerously confused about his place in all this, and goes home. Meanwhile, somebody slept with Corey Clark, which is horrible enough, but you'll never guess who it was. Unless you don't live under a rock, and then probably you already know. It's dumb, and John Quinones goes to the special Geraldo Hell for sure now.

05.03.2005
05.08.2005
A+

Jacob Clifton

4-15
Recap

Rock & Roll Suicide

I've Lost My Home To Thieves - Constantine takes a header in a most spectacular way, Bo continues to sell himself hardcore short, Scott is horrible some more, and Carrie, Vonzell, and Anthony are very nice people. Bonus: Simon loves people, and Paula hates fun.

04.26.2005
05.01.2005
C+

Jacob Clifton

4-14
Recap

Please Don't Talk About Love Tonight

Real Men Drink Pepsi (Please Buy A Chevy) - Constantine aberrates, Scott aggravates, Carrie Simon-baits, and A-Fed -- regrettably -- undulates. Clay Aiken commiserates, and Paula undermedicates, feelings of warmth toward Vonzell aggregate, Anwar finally vacates, and Bo outrageously capitulates.

04.19.2005
04.23.2005
C+

Jacob Clifton

4-13
Recap

Why Didn't You Say You Loved Her? I Don't Understand

Why Didn't You Say You Loved Her? I Don't Understand - Nadia Turner, the John Kerry of American Idol, is finally forced to confront her ivory tower obscurantist attempts to be interesting and special, and loses out to, like, a Hall & Oates tune and "Let's Hear It For The Boy."

04.12.2005
04.16.2005
N/A

Jacob Clifton

4-13

Why Didn't You Say You Loved Her? I Don't Understand

Why Didn't You Say You Loved Her? I Don't Understand - Nadia Turner, the John Kerry of American Idol, is finally forced to confront her ivory tower obscurantist attempts to be interesting and special, and loses out to, like, a Hall & Oates tune and "Let's Hear It For The Boy."

04.12.2005
04.16.2005
N/A

Jacob Clifton

4-12
Recap

I Could Have Danced All Night, But I Was Bored

I Cannot Do The Smurf - A-Fed, Scott, and Bo are terrible, Constantine is pretty great if you're not in the same room as the television screen, Nadia and Vonzell work their inner Tina Turners, Carrie smiles and is lifelike, and some other people sing. Fantasia Barrino comes to freak you right out, and poor wonderful Nikko is sent packing.

04.05.2005
04.09.2005
F

Jacob Clifton

4-11
Recap

One Flea Spare

And Do I Really Have A Hand In My Forgetting? - Indexed by scandal: Anwar's personals ad, Scott's rap sheet. Indexed by outrage: Worst elimination yet. Indexed by fashion score: maybe the most successful week yet, not that that helps. Say goodbye to Jessica and her fangs and dinners, and consider what was lost.

03.29.2005
04.02.2005
C-

Jacob Clifton

4-10
Recap

Baby, You're Much Too Fast

She Had Style! She Had Flair! She Got Tossed! - Mikalah gets tossed almost as ceremoniously as Simon begs us to forget bloody Mario ever existed. Anthony and Nadia wind up on the bottom of the pile with her, and Jessica is just a pile of nerves and awesome.

03.23.2005
03.26.2005
C

Jacob Clifton

4-9
Recap

Ziggy Played Guitar

Ziggy Played Guitar - I know, I know. But the amounts of hubris displayed in this episode call to mind nothing so much as the Spiders From Mars: Mikalah, Simon and Ryan all get freaky high on their own awesomeness, and then mutually destroy each other as the rest of us watch, savoring the tasty, just desserts.

03.14.2005
03.19.2005
B-

Jacob Clifton

4-8
Recap

Flip A Coin For "Song Choice"

Sits Like A Man, But He Smiles Like A Reptile - It may or may not matter, as we head into the Top 12, having shed Travis, Janay, Amanda, and poor Nikko like so much husked Constantine denim. Also: We move from six episodes a night back to the normal schedule of eight times a week.

03.08.2005
03.12.2005
C+

Jacob Clifton

4-7
Recap

Eight Down, Four to Go

Compared To What? - Say "aloha" to Aloha and tell Joe you'll see him around, give Celena Rae a couple bucks for the bus, and bake something in a covered casserole dish for David Brown. They're done here. Janay? Oh, she's fine. Amanda and Mikalah? Right where they should be. Plus, maybe a little bonus recap of Constantine's Elimidate. Yeah. Not kidding.

03.01.2005
03.05.2005
C+

Jacob Clifton

4-6
Recap

"I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying"

"I Woke Up And One Of Us Was Crying" - After three hours of programming, and the first voteable performances of all Top 24, everybody gets into an Elvis kind of mood as the first four contenders are sent home. Jared and Melinda come out the biggest losers, with the lowest votes, and then weird surprises abound as Sarah Mather and Judd Harris, who are attractive, have lovely voices, and do not suck, are sent home. Jared bursts into tears and Judd is dogpiled by everyone in Hollywood, while Melinda and Sarah both shut down like pissed-off and shell-shocked survivors of a crazy trauma. And I can't blame them. I just miss Judd already.

02.22.2005
02.26.2005
C+

Jacob Clifton

4-5
Recap

Knock It Off (The Box)

Knock It Off (The Box) - The group is finally whittled into four separate rooms, and then we spend an hour kicking two of the rooms to the curb in a hail of flashbacks. Then the remaining contestants are summoned into a Scary Room to sit in a Scary Chair and be messed around by Scary Judges, and then we have our Final 24, whom we all already called weeks ago, but the show seems to be under the impression that we are at their mercy and don't see past their obvious manipulations. They're half wrong. I mean, we'll be back next week when the actual show starts.

02.15.2005
02.19.2005
B

Jacob Clifton

4-4
Recap

"So What Are You Doing Here?"

"So What Are You Doing Here?" - After a two-day round of individual auditions and cuts, the remaining contestants are split into teams of three, and then attempt to destroy each other utterly for a chance at stardom.

02.08.2005
02.12.2005
B-

Jacob Clifton

4-3
Recap

Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part III

Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part III - Actual performers, actually performing! Three cities in two nights! TV's Moesha and LL Cool J! And a third, surprise celebrity guest! Only he's not a celebrity, he's the DiGiorno guy, and he's not a guest, he's a contestant.

02.01.2005
02.04.2005
C

Jacob Clifton

4-2
Recap

Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part II

Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part II - Prostitutes both actual and imagined, both singing and "singing," highlight this week's episodes, which span from New Orleans to Las Vegas. We meet several people who are going to Hollywood, but whom we may or may not ever see again, including overnight sensations Gene "Just Can't Find The Sound" Simmons, Kenny "Back To The Days Of Pooh" Loggins, Leroy "Can't Talk To A Psycho" Wells, Ryan "Like A Normal Human Being" Seacrest, and Mikalah "Buffalo Stance" Gordon.

01.25.2005
01.29.2005
D+

Jacob Clifton

4-1
Recap

Gotta Get Through This

Mentally Ill Is The New Hilarious, Part I - The District of Columbia, as it turns out, is chock-full of crazy people: Drugged-up crazy people, screamy crazy people, happy crazy people, sad crazy people, well-dressed crazy people, crazily-dressed crazy people, crazy people with voices inside their heads, crazy people with lots of different voices coming out of their heads, crazy people with spooky voices, crazy people with creepy dances, and crazy people who like to run right out into traffic. What? Like that's not brilliant comedy.

01.18.2005
01.22.2005
C-

Jacob Clifton

3-24
Recap

Get her a pair of Manolo Blahniks, STAT!

They Love Her, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeahhhhhhh - Fantasia wins the title of American Idol and practically falls apart on stage, both figuratively and literally.

05.25.2004
05.31.2004
B+

Shack

3-24
Recap

This show cost $12 to produce

The Final Three 2004 - An interview special with the three remaining finalists prepares them for a future of being asked the same dumb questions over and over again by entertainment industry suck-ups.

05.16.2004
05.27.2004
N/A

Shack

3-23
Recap

Mood: Relieved

Flower's Glum Song - Shack never wore flowers in his hair, but if he had, he probably would have stuffed them in his ears to avoid having to hear Jasmine sing poorly three times in an hour. Finally, she's ejected, leaving a final two of Fantasia and Diana.

05.18.2004
05.23.2004
B-

Shack

3-22
Recap

Footloose and fancy-free

Aloha, LaToya - Themes? Fantasia doesn't care about any stupid themes. After LaToya is ejected over the hopelessly outmatched Jasmine, you've got to wonder if even matters what they sing.

05.11.2004
05.17.2004
C-

Shack

3-21
Recap

Don't even think of calling them "fat-bottomed girls"

Another One Bites The Dust - Big band night brings us songs attached to Judy Garland, Irving Berlin, Natalie Cole, George Gershwin, Louis Armstrong, Barbra Streisand, Frank Sinatra, Ella Fitzgerald, and of course, Queen. The hammer falls on George.

05.04.2004
05.09.2004
C+

Shack

3-21
Recap

On the Ass with Ryan Seacrest

The Final Five 2004 - An interview special with the five remaining finalists prepares them for a future of being asked dumb questions by entertainment industry suck-ups.

05.02.2004
05.07.2004
C-

Shack

3-20
Recap

Cuban Fizzle Crisis

Miami Ow Machine - John shows us all why sometimes nice guys are supposed to finish last, as a butchering of a Gloria Estefan song finally leads to his ejection.

04.27.2004
05.02.2004
C-

Shack

3-19
Recap

Music and passion were always the fashion

When Will I Scold You Again? - Barry Manilow makes a couple of guest appearances and defines the theme for this week's shows, but is surprised to discover that all the overwrought screaming has nothing to do with him. Jennifer gets the boot. America gets the vapors.

04.20.2004
04.25.2004
C

Shack

3-18
Recap

He's Dancing As Fast As He Can

From Dusk Till Jon - Caper around the stage all you want, little Jon, but swivel those hips of yours in the direction of "home," because that's where you're going.

04.14.2004
04.19.2004
B+

Shack

3-17
Recap

She sang her song like a candle in the wind

I Guess That's Why They Call It The Blues - Camile sputtered, fluttered, melted a little bit, and hardly illuminated anything. Finally, the voters snuffed her out.

04.06.2004
04.12.2004
C-

Shack

3-16
Recap

Think Pink

Buffoons In A Ten-Cent Motown - Unless it's in Amy's hair. Bye, Amy.

03.30.2004
04.04.2004
C

Shack

3-15
Recap

Too many men on the field

Honky Tonk Blahs - America gets a little uncomfortable being dragged into the passive-aggressive love triangle between Matt, Simon, and Ryan, so Matt is voted off. Voters also warn that we're fast reaching princess overload.

03.23.2004
03.29.2004
B

Shack

3-14
Recap

Patti's just glad to have her good name back.

Ain't Nothing Like The Real Thing - Get on board the Soooooooouuul Train! Not so fast there, Leah. You brought it on yourself with that whole "LaBelle" thing.

03.16.2004
03.21.2004
B-

Shack

3-13
Recap

Everybody needs somebody to hate

The Spazz Singer - Leah LaBelle, meet Carmen Rasmusen and Jim Verraros. Jim Verraros and Carmen Rasmusen, meet Leah LaBelle. You all have a lot to talk about, so we'll just get out of your way.

03.09.2004
03.14.2004
F

Shack

3-12
Recap

Can I be frank? No, not Sinatra.

You're Nobody Till Everybody Loves You - John Stevens and Jasmine Trias are cute and young and cute and young and cute and young and cute and young. And incredibly dull. Shack looks for ways to make his own fun. 

03.02.2004
03.08.2004
C

Shack

3-11
Recap

Find some new shtick, Bic

London's Bridge Is Really Loud - Jon gets written off (geddit? Geddit?) after a bizarrely choppy rendition of "Tiny Dancer." Amy and LaToya belt their way into the finals. Leah cries because Americanizing her name doesn't convince people to vote for her.

02.24.2004
02.29.2004
B-

Shack

3-10
Recap

The Fall of the Roman Empire

2 Fat 2 Furious - Jesus can't please us, and Noel makes us long for a silent night instead. Lisa is a flower among of field of stinkweeds, but she loses out to a creepy jock and a pretty young girl the judges are trying to convince us is better than she actually is.

02.16.2004
02.22.2004
F

Shack

3-9
Recap

If I vote for you, will you just calm down?

The Pink And The Gray - Fantasia and Diana bounce, shriek, giggle, shimmy, dance, point, pout, flutter, mug, and cutesy their way into the finals. There are way too many verbs going on between the two of them.

02.09.2004
02.15.2004
B-

Shack

3-8
Recap

You Don't Have To Go Home, But You Can't Fame-Whore Here

Thanks For Scaring! - As the final thirty-two contestants are announced, we say goodbye to Nicole Tieri, Michael Keown, and Alan Ritchson, who will have to find somewhere else to be annoying, toolish, and sleazy. And you know, you can apply each of those adjectives to the three of them as you see fit.

02.03.2004
02.09.2004
B-

Shack

3-7
Recap

The Greatest Self-Love Of All

How Do I Love Me? Let Me Count The Ways - In the first two days of eliminations in Los Angeles, some contestants reveal that they love themselves so much that there's no room for anybody else to join in.

02.02.2004
02.08.2004
B

Shack

3-6
Recap

The Contestants That Editing Forgot

The Road To Hollywood - In this extra audition episode, you are introduced to some of the people who didn't fit into the regular episodes, but whom the producers would like you to meet anyway. It's kind of like a Greatest Hits, Volume III album -- you've gotta wonder whether what hasn't been used yet can be all that critical.

02.01.2004
02.07.2004
B-

Miss Alli

3-5
Recap

Would You Like A Nice Hawaiian Punch?

Them Against The Music, Part V - Well, thank God the auditions are finally over so we don't have to come up with any more awful locale-based headlines like this one.

01.27.2004
02.02.2004
C+

Shack

3-4
Recap

California Screamin'

Them Against The Music, Part IV - Los Angeles is full of passionate young people who hope to succeed in the entertainment industry. Some of them will make it. The rest of them? They're all in this recap.

01.26.2004
02.01.2004
C+

Shack

3-3
Recap

The Smelly Throes Of Texas

Them Against The Music, Part III - Heavy storms passing through Houston can't wash away the stench of bad singers. Of the thirteen selected for the next round, we hear exactly four.

01.20.2004
01.26.2004
N/A

Shack

3-2
Recap

"Must You Sing Directly In My Face?"

Them Against The Music, Part II - All Miss Alli asks from the second crop of nitwits who want to be big stars is a little personal space. Is that too much to ask? Just don't...don't breathe on us, Purple-Haired Girl.

01.19.2004
01.24.2004
C-

Miss Alli

3-1
Recap

There's a Broken Heart for Every Light on Broadway

Them Against The Music, Part I - The third season premieres with auditions in New York. Fame is dangled in front of several desperate young people's faces, only to be yanked away just when they reach for it. Ha ha!

01.18.2004
01.20.2004
C-

Shack

2-26
Extra

You, too

World Idol, Part II - The world loves Bono and people who sound a lot like Bono. Except for the mythical nation of "Pan Arabia," which just wants to dance, dance, dance.

12.31.2003
01.04.2004
C-

Shack

2-25
Extra

Jesus wept

World Idol, Part I - FOX reminds us all that they're still in league with Satan when they celebrate the birth of Christ by inflicting horrible singers from around the world on their viewers.

12.24.2003
12.31.2003
C-

Shack

2-24
Extra

No, you cannot get my attention

Ruben Studdard: "Soulful" - Ruben is boring in several musical genres.

12.25.2003
12.25.2003
D+

Shack

2-23
Extra

The night, it wasn't so silent

An American Idol Christmas - Your favorite American Idol contestants perform a number of holiday standards. Oh, and Christina Christian sings, too.

11.24.2003
11.29.2003
C+

Shack

2-22
Extra

"Why is Brian Eno raping a Muppet on my phone?"

Clay Aiken: "Measure Of A Man" - That's what Sars said when Shack left half a dozen voicemail messages featuring sound bites from Clay's debut album. Shack just wants to make sure that somebody else gets to split all the hate mail.

10.22.2003
10.22.2003
N/A

Shack

2-21
Extra

I don't think I'm ready for this Jelly

From Justin To Kelly - Justin and Kelly meet and fall in love. The movie versions of Justin and Kelly, not the real Justin and Kelly. You can tell the difference, because the real Justin and Kelly aren't insipid, boring, stiff robots who have less charisma than a certain giant green CGI monster that is kicking their asses in the box office.

06.26.2003
06.26.2003
N/A

Shack

2-20
Recap

The (Eeeeeee!) stands alone

An Idol Ain't Nothin' But A Sandwich - Ruben wins. Clay loses. But despite all the hype about the glory bestowed on the winner, they both essentially get the same treatment, so this is all kind of pointless. And after hearing their first singles, it may end up that twelfth-place Vanessa Olivarez is the real winner.

05.20.2003
05.24.2003
C+

Shack

2-20
Recap

What Shack needs now is a frickin' break!

American Idol: The Final Two - Lord, we don't need another clip show. We've got reruns and blather enough to air. We've got nitwits and nonsense enough to share. Get out of my hair. I just don't caaaaaaare.

05.18.2003
05.20.2003
C-

Shack

2-19
Recap

I've Grown Accustomed To Their Fates

Surrender Dorothy - Ruben! Clay! Ruben! Clay! Ruben! Clay! It's the face-off that feels like it was foretold in the Book of Deuteronomy. Kimberley can't hope to stand against their undeserved levels of hype, and is ejected.

05.12.2003
05.18.2003
B-

Shack

2-18
Recap

Dereliction of Doody

The Fat And The Furious - Hi, I'm Josh, and I'm coming to kill you for not voting for me. But can I use your bathroom first?

05.06.2003
05.11.2003
C+

Shack

2-17
Recap

Dishonorable discharge

Throwing The Paybee Out With The Bathwater - Josh sucks, grimaces, shouts, and forgets the words, but it's Trenyce who gets the combat boot out of the competition. Not that anybody notices, what with Ruben nearly getting the axe.

04.28.2003
05.03.2003
C-

Shack

2-16
Recap

We're Gonna Wash That Girl Right Out Of Our Hair

Bleatdown - Carmen loses her virginity to a bottle of shampoo, just as God intended. But since she's no longer as pure as the driven snow, the show, the audience, and Tsathoggua no longer have any use for her wretched singing, and she's voted out.

04.22.2003
04.27.2003
B+

Shack

2-16
Recap

Remember that one time?

Halfway Home - It's a clip show! No, it's a stupid interview show! No, it's an opportunity to see people sing songs again that, in many cases, they didn't sing well the first time! Oh, it's all those things. And more.

04.20.2003
04.25.2003
B-

Miss Alli

2-15
Recap

Beautiful Disaster

The Wrongest Time - It's not just a song on Kelly Clarkson's new album. It's also a description of Carmen's performances. And probably Kimberly Caldwell's personality. But we won't have Kimberly's desperate playing to the camera to mock anymore. Well, at least until she finds her way onto yet another talent show.

04.15.2003
04.19.2003
C

Shack

2-14
Recap

Please don't feed the goat

A Call To Carms - Oh, never mind. Go ahead. The worst singers on earth (such as Carmen and Josh) remain in the competition, while Rickey gets the boot. Somebody needs to let Nigel Lythgoe know we have laws against bestiality here in the States.

04.07.2003
04.12.2003
D+

Shack

2-13
Recap

Macho Man

Blame It On The Boogie - Corey is ejected from the contest for concealing charges that he beat up his sister and resisted arrest. Where do the rest of us go to complain about his assault on our eardrums?

04.01.2003
04.06.2003
B-

Shack

2-12
Recap

Chicken-fried fake

You Say "DeMato," I Say "Goodbye" - You might think that a "country rock" theme would be Josh and Carmen's chance to shine, but you'd be wrong. Julia is finally ejected from the competition, and she couldn't possibly be happier about it.

03.24.2003
03.29.2003
C-

Shack

2-11
Recap

Scream 4

Grigsby Goes Down - It's movie theme night, but all the horrors are inflicted on the audience, thanks to banshee Corey and zombie Julia. Charles eases on down the road and out of the competition.

03.18.2003
03.26.2003
C+

Shack

2-10
Recap

Boring rules! Hooray for boring!

Boobies Over Booty - Bland, charisma-free Julia and Kimberley survive the first round of finals, even though they sucked the life out of Motown's greatest hits. Vanessa was brassy and fun, so of course she gets ejected.

03.10.2003
03.15.2003
C

Shack

2-9
Recap

Not so much "wild" as "inexplicable"

Faker's Dozen - The wild card round brings back four girls from the initial auditions who had been rejected. The reasons why become abundantly clear when they sing for us again. But for some unexplained reason probably involving manipulation from the producers, Simon picks the worst of them to join Clay, Trenyce, and Kimberly in the final twelve.

03.03.2003
03.08.2003
C+

Shack

2-8
Recap

Semper Fie

The Marine And The Moron - Bland Marine Josh and awful loser Corey are treated like the second coming of Simon & Garfunkel. The semifinals are so boring that they're bus-ing in people who were rejected back in Glendale to compete in the wild card round.

02.24.2003
03.01.2003
D+

Shack

2-8
Recap

Ow. Quit it.

The Best And/Of The Worst - American Idol presents an hour of bad performances from the audition rounds. As opposed to the hour of bad performances in the semifinals they've been showing us for the past three weeks.

02.18.2003
02.25.2003
C-

Shack

2-7
Recap

I will always wave my booty in your face!

Moon Over Miami - Vanessa waves her ass all the way into the finals, joined by Rickey the Murphinator. We also see the consequence of Justin and Kelly (Eeeeeeee!) having their souls sucked out by their new corporate masters as they sing their way lifelessly through a song in their new movie.

02.17.2003
02.22.2003
C+

Shack

2-6
Recap

When pretty waif girls make bad song choices

Large And In Charge - Candice, Hadas, and Jennifer pick really bad songs to sing. Kimberly gives Simon attitude, but still makes it to the finals. Ruben also makes it to the finals, and treats Ryan to a manwich. Frenchie isn't in this episode. And because of a certain porn-related history, she won't be in any future episodes, either.

02.10.2003
02.16.2003
C+

Shack

2-3
Recap

Atlanta vs. Nashville

Same Old Snit, Part III - The judges head to Atlanta and Nashville to pick more contestants from the masses. Paula is absent in Atlanta, which means she misses Keith, the worst singer in the world (according to Simon). And when is Simon ever wrong? Or, you know, cruel for the sake of it?

01.24.2003
02.11.2003
B

Alex Richmond

2-5
Recap

Starting off with a blah

Accentuate The Negative - The first round of semifinals brings us eight terribly boring singers. Not even a trumped up "rivalry" between Julia DeMato and Kimberly Caldwell can make this snoozer interesting. Special cameo appearance by a mouth-breathing dipwad. No, Dunkleman's not back.

02.03.2003
02.09.2003
C-

Shack

2-4
Recap

Which show is this, anyway?

A Snitch, A Switch, And Some Bitches - Kim and Julia act like they're on Sorority Life. Alden, Corey, and Stephen (or Stefan, or whatever) act like they're on Fraternity Life. Marcus acts like he's on 7th Heaven. Is anybody here to sing?

01.28.2003
02.03.2003
B-

Shack

2-2
Recap

More sucking than a vacuum cleaner expo

Same Old Snit, Part II - Hey, look! More lousy singers! Let's listen in.

01.21.2003
01.26.2003
C+

Shack

2-2
Recap

Wasn't there something about singing once?

Where Are They Now? Special - Movies, television shows, commercials -- the finalists from the first season of American Idol are about as involved with actual music as MTV these days.

01.20.2003
01.25.2003
C-

Shack

2-1
Recap

"Shame"? Sorry, we don't stock any of that here.

Same Old Snit, Part I - A bunch of really pathetic people are encouraged to humiliate themselves on television for our amusement. What could be better than that? Coming to FOX in 2004: Bumfights: The Series.

01.20.2003
01.24.2003
C

Shack

2-1
Recap

Once More, With Squealing

Once More, With Squealing - I tried out for American Idol 2 and all I got was this lousy Extra!

01.13.2003
01.13.2003
A

Steptacular

1-15
Recap

The EEEEEEEEEEEEE hits the fan. Fan escapes without injuries.

The EEEEEEEEEEEEE hits the fan. Fan escapes without injuries. - American Idol comes to Long Island, featuring Shredwear, Pink Hair, and a Disco Pirate. And now for the musically talented portion of the evening. (Not so fast, Ms. McKibbin...)

10.30.2002
10.30.2002
C+

Baby Jebus

1-14
Recap

Your American Idol -- until next year

The Winner Takes It All - America shows its respect and surrenders to the power of that natural woman, Kelly Clarkson. We can only hope her new handlers think twice about releasing those awful new ballads as single. Seriously, don't play that song. Or that other one. Give us more "Stuff Like That There."

09.03.2002
09.06.2002
B+

Shack

1-13
Recap

Waterloo -- couldn't escape if she wanted to

The Sixth Time's The Charm - The Sword of Damocles that has been dangling over Nikki's head since she made it to the final ten falls at last. America's latest sweethearts, Kelly and Justin, will have to battle it out for final ownership of the (Eeeeeeee!).

08.27.2002
08.30.2002
C+

Shack

1-12
Recap

First Dubya, now this

Didn't She Almost Have It All? - After struggling nearly every week to stay in the competition, Nikki...still isn't eliminated. Instead, Tamyra has a slightly off night due to a sore throat and is tossed out by the voters like she's a screeching, baby-eating harpy. Yes, Shack is bitter. As a bonus, we also get a preview of what Hell is like.

08.20.2002
08.24.2002
D+

Shack

1-11
Recap

Wishin', and hopin', and screechin', and borin'

One Less 'Bot To Answer - The (Eeeeeee!) decides to take a holiday the same week the kids perform Burt Bacharach songs, leaving all five of them to warble out lackluster performances. Even though Nikki's performance is truly awful, R.J. exhibits some serious flaws in his "manners" chip and is sent back to the factory for debugging.

08.13.2002
08.15.2002
C-

Shack

1-11

Wishin', and hopin', and screechin', and borin'

One Less 'Bot To Answer - The (Eeeeeee!) decides to take a holiday the same week the kids perform Burt Bacharach songs, leaving all five of them to warble out lackluster performances. Even though Nikki's performance is truly awful, R.J. exhibits some serious flaws in his "manners" chip and is sent back to the factory for debugging.

08.13.2002
08.15.2002
C-

Shack

1-10
Recap

Rockin' Pneumonia And The Boogie Woogie Blues

The Silencing Of The Lamb - Kelly (Eeeeeee!) fills Judy Garland's shoes on big band night, while R.J. all but pees in Fred Astaire's during an absolutely graceless performance. The burden of bearing Simon's heaping praise and unprofessional flirtation sends Christina to the hospital, and then the voters send her packing.

08.05.2002
08.09.2002
B-

Shack

1-9
Recap

Goodbye, Yellow Brick Road

Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked On (Eeeeeee!) - See that peg, way up there? That used to be Justin's. Now look down. No, a little further. That's his current peg. Fortunately, his afro cushioned the fall. Also, Foreshadowing slips on a leisure suit and helps Ryan choose what turns out to be her swan song.

07.30.2002
08.01.2002
B-

Shack

1-8
Recap

Screw all that peace and love stuff

Nonsense And Peppermints - The song selections and the continued tendency to mouth off at authority figures are pretty much all you'll see from the '60s during this week's performances. Neither Justin nor Ryan is nearly so charming when they're not having their egos stroked. A.J. is eliminated -- or perhaps exorcised -- from the competition.

07.23.2002
07.25.2002
C

Shack

1-7
Recap

Gaye is good. Gay, not so much.

Warbling 'Round That Motown Sound - Or so say the voters. The two queeniest finalists get their walking papers, as we say goodbye to EJay and Jim. America's just not ready for a gay idol, except for that Tom Cruise. Also, R.J. falls down, goes boom.

07.15.2002
07.20.2002
B

Shack

1-6
Recap

Take The J-Train

Nothing Wild - The judges choose R.J. as the tenth finalist, fulfilling the secret requirement that all male finalists have the letter "J" featured prominently in their first names. Shack entertains himself during this boring episode by randomly killing off people. Well, two people in particular.

07.09.2002
07.11.2002
C-

Shack

1-5
Recap

American Idol Smackdown

Simon Is A Meanie! - A contestant is disqualified, and the judges stage a fight in order to draw attention away from the fact that all the singers this round are rather blah. Christina, Nikki, and Ejay join the other finalists for sucking less than the others.

07.01.2002
07.04.2002
D+

Shack

1-4
Recap

I Believe I Can Cry

Second Verse, Same As The First - First Jim, now A.J. Maybe next week a box full of puppies will land a spot in the finals. Justin (Eeeeeeee!) and Kelly are voted to the finals as well, because they can actually sing.

06.25.2002
06.28.2002
C+

Shack

1-3
Recap

This is why I don't watch the Teen Choice Awards

Pushing America's Buttons - It's confirmation of everything we've always known about pop music: If the girls think you're adorable, it doesn't matter if you can sing. Jim makes it to the next round with the help of the inventors of the redial button. In less horrifying news, Tamyra and Ryan make it as well.

06.17.2002
06.24.2002
C

Shack

1-2
Recap

Good Karma doesn't always come back

Pick Your Poison, Part II - Say goodbye to the fat and the funny, as the judges get down to the business to picking out the performers they think will make teenagers give their corporate masters their money. Goodbye, Jacquette! Goodbye, Elias! Hello, pretty people!

06.11.2002
06.14.2002
B+

Shack

1-1
Recap

Moulin Rude

Pick Your Poison, Part I - Thousands of Americans are finally told that they really can't sing. It's about freaking time. Dreams are crushed, hearts are broken, names are mangled, and tantrums are thrown in the premiere of yet another pop-based reality contest. But this time the viewers get to help pick the winner. Hopefully that will save us from another Jacob Underwood.

06.10.2002
06.12.2002
B+

Shack

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