American Idol
2 Fat 2 Furious

Episode Report Card
admin: F | Grade It Now!
The Fall of the Roman Empire

Shout-out to Screamapiller for the show index headline.

Tuesday. Ryan "What's the Buzz?" Seacrest greets us from atop the Seal with tonight's group of eight. He says we should prepare for this group to "win [us] over," but he lies. How can he just stand there and lie in front of Jesus like that?

Credits. Ryan's dressed rather blandly tonight in a white striped shirt and jeans. He greets us again and tells us all that American Idol is now the most popular show on television. Yeah, well, he won't be saying after tonight. The Great Unknown plays a riff of victory, or whatever. Ryan then says that he's not going to stand up there and "blow [his] own trumpet in front of 30 million people. If [we] know what [he] means." Yes, Ryan, we do. We've witnessed your love affair with yourself from the very first episode. As proof, he goes on and on talking about what he does as the host, to the point where I begin to fear that he'll suddenly say, "Oh, the hell with it -- I'm just gonna go ahead and blow myself right here onstage." Then he heads over to introduce the judges, Simon "Zealotes" Cowell, Paula "Everything's Alright" Abdul, and Randy "Could We Start Again, Please" Jackson. Paula is wearing a top that has boob windows. You know, a dress or tight-fitting blouse that has a big hole in the center so you can see the top of her boobs.

Ryan then heads over to Pimp Central to introduce us to this week's group of singers. Ryan reminds us that we have two brothers competing tonight, as well as his new boyfriend, Matt Rogers. We're reminded that Matt gave Ryan a big bear (because he is a "bear," you know) hug in Pasadena. Matt is up first, and Ryan asks him if he's ready. He says he is. Matt's clip show has the following to say: "Wooooooooooooooooo!" He tells us he's over all the football references, which also works a football reference, so he gets to have it both ways there. We also learn that Matt is a "metrosexual," even though he says he doesn't know what that word means. What about "closet case"? Does he know what that means? Anyway, for somebody all big and burly, Matt likes to shop, primp, and of course mug for the cameras. He does that bit where he peeks his head between some curtains and mugs. That should be a capital crime for anybody over the age of seven looking for his or her parents a dance recital.

Matt heads to the Seal wearing a boring gray and yellow striped shirt and jeans. He's there to perform "What You Won't Do (For Love)," and he blooooows (tm Jon Stewart). He's pure lounge act, complete with the smarmy facial expressions and vague, pointy hand gestures. His voice is okay, but totally unmemorable. He's in tune, which ends up being quite an accomplishment this evening. But right now, you could turn to your circle of closest friends and find one who sings better than Matt.

Judges. Randy says he wasn't "feeling it." Matt immediately interrupts him to ask him what was wrong. Randy says he thought it was "too safe," which I think is this year's code for "too karaoke." Matt insists that he "changed it up" so he could hit some high notes. It doesn't matter, though, because his high notes were boring. Randy thinks Matt can do better. Paula agrees with Randy and doesn't feel as though Matt's performance was as "confident" as they were in previous rounds. Simon says he'd give Matt's performance a three out of ten. The audience boos, and Matt narrows his eyes at him. But if there's a response, it's been cut out, and he heads back to Pimp Central. Matt plops down on the swirl couch and puts his hand on Ryan's thigh, where it stays until the commercial break. He needs to be comforted after being dismissed so. Ryan asks Matt about the judges' comments. He says they didn't think he seemed comfortable onstage, but he assures us that he is. Ryan gives us Matt's digits. Then, he gives Matt his digits.

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11Next

American Idol




Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP