American Idol
Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing

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Patti's just glad to have her good name back.

Tuesday. Ryan "Mr. Pitiful" Seacrest greets us from behind the larger crowd so that we can all soak in the view of the larger stage for the finals. Ryan idiotically declares that these kids have "the most famous faces in America." Amusingly, when the camera pans across them, I can't tell immediately which one is Camile and which one is Leah.

Credits. Ryan greets us back on the new stage. The signs are back in the crowd, but there aren't as many as last season. Yet. We see signs supporting Matt Rogers and John Stevens. No, Ryan isn't the one waving the sign for Matt. Ryan is wearing another classy, boring brown and gray outfit. How am I supposed to mock him when he keeps dressing normal? Well, there's always his obnoxious capering. He calls the new stage "The Mothership," because it does look a little bit space-age. There's a gigantic monitor behind the center of the stage, flanked by two large, pointed, wing-like buttresses. It gives the overall appearance of granny glasses, making it look like the proceedings are being overseen by a 500-foot-tall Dame Edna. The lighting is mostly blues and purples. I think this is essentially the same stage design they used for last season's finale. Ryan has the tech people play with the lights on the stage to show how much work they're going to have to do to make the boring singers seem interesting. Then they show off the size of the audience, which does look a little bit bigger than last year's, though I know the black walls in the back disguise that it's smaller than it seems.

Ryan introduces the twelve finalists to the stage to beg for more applause. Jasmine Trias is identified as John Stevens. LaToya London is identified as Jasmine Trias. Yes, tell us how famous these kids are now when the people producing the show don't know who the hell they are. Ryan introduces Simon "Try a Little Tenderness" Cowell by saying he's stealing our jobs and our women. Whose job did he steal? Who else would have been hired to tell these kids that they suck and make jokes about Ryan being gay? Hey…wait a minute. That could have been me! Dammit! That's my job he stole. He can have the women, though. Ryan says Paula "Pain In My Heart" Abdul is the only woman Simon will never get, and manages to not burst out laughing afterward. Paula laughs, though she looks a little embarrassed, probably because she and Simon were doing it right under the judges' table just before they let the audience in. Ryan concludes by calling Randy "Ole Man Trouble" Jackson "aerodynamic." Randy reacts the way he always reacts, shouting "Yeah!" and giving himself props and all.

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American Idol

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