American Idol
Aloha, LaToya

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Footloose and fancy-free

Shout-out to the many people who emailed me with details about We Will Rock You, the musical based on Queen songs. According to what I've read, the musical is either awfully wonderful or wonderfully awful. When you're dealing with musicals, it's such a fine line.

Tuesday. Ryan "The Girl Gets Around" Seacrest asks us if we're ready. No. I'm sorry, you're going to have to come back tomorrow.

Credits. If the Transgendered Terminator Idol suddenly starts wearing a lei and grass skirt as it embarks on its quest to conquer America, you'll know for sure something hinky is going on.

Ryan greets the audience on the Seal wearing a shiny black jacket that looks like it's may be made out of his old college graduation gown (Glendale Academy of Fame Whores, class of 1996, valedictorian). Ryan tells us that it's disco night, explaining that it was a time of afros, platform shoes, and spandex body suits. Well, the theme could also be Destiny's Child videos, but I guess that's not it. Oh, they've got a disco ball. Well, they're definitely immersed in the theme, then. Ryan introduces Simon "Let's Hear It for the Boy" Cowell with lyrics from "Staying Alive." They flirt with each other. Ryan introduces Paula "Dancing in the Sheets" Abdul by calling her a "dancing queen," and jokes about her being "seventeenish." Well, if we're speaking emotionally, then maybe. Actually, that's just rude. Seventeen-year-olds are quite mature. Paula is scarily dressed for the theme with a spangled, V-patterned, sleeveless top in green, blue, and yellow. I wouldn't be surprised if she's wearing roller skates. I also wouldn't be surprised if the spangles on that top light up. Ryan tells us to forget the Disco Duck (well, my continued sanity depends on doing that already, but thanks for reminding me), because they've got the "Disco Dawg" Randy "Never" Jackson.

We also have a guest judge tonight, because surely there's some former disco star whose appointment book is free for the next 2,497 days? The guest judge tonight is Donna Summer, who heads out on stage in a denim blue pantsuit and shaggy long "hair." Don't turn your head too quickly there, Donna, or it will spin around and your bangs will be framing your left ear. Ryan asks Donna what she's looking for in an "Idol." She says she wants uniqueness, self-possession, and star quality. Oh. Maybe she should have talked a little with the record producers about what they were looking for. I think they might be okay with the star quality. But the other two were crossed off their list a little while ago. In Donna's clip bio, we're educated that Donna was actually first a big hit in Germany before coming to America to disco her way into our hearts with songs about sex and prostitution. She owned seven million spangled dresses. She's the only artist in history to have three consecutive number-one platinum albums. Uh oh. That probably sounds like a challenge to Clay's fans. Back on the stage, Donna is seated between Paula and Simon.

Once again, we're disposing of our [product-placed cola] pointless interviews right at the start. I think they do this now because absolutely nobody pays attention to them at the end. The four "divas" (I wish somebody would invent something like a triple quotation mark to indicate that you really, really, really don't mean the word you just used) hang out in Pimp Central. Ryan asks Jasmine if she's ready for disco night. Yes! It's gonna be so much fun! What about Diana? She loves disco night. Wooooo! Was it easy for LaToya to choose songs for this week? Are you kidding me? Well, perhaps not as easy as it would be on Overwrought Wailing Ballad night, but LaToya didn't have any problems find songs to sing. Is Fantasia going to bring out the Bobo? Sigh. Fantasia jokes that she "remixed" the Bobo for disco night. Now it's going to look like she's riding a tiny bicycle instead of a tiny horse.

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American Idol

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