American Idol
American Idol: The Final Two

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What Shack needs now is a frickin' break!

If I wave a turkey sandwich at you, would you knock me out? Please?

Fine.

So, America has decided that they don't give a flying fuck if some bubble-headed fame whore selects a man based on his "personality" instead of his appearance, because by now we've all figured out that these dipshits will agree to do anything for a chance at guest-hosting some shitty cable entertainment show. So they cut the finale for Mr. Personality to an hour to give us more American Idol clip shows and pointless interviews and clip shows and singing the same damned songs over and over and over again.

Kill me.

We open with some assistant producer of some sort "waking up" Ryan "King Of All Fame Whores" Seacrest, who is "asleep" on a couch in his dressing room. They both pretend that it's Monday and Ryan has this special show to do, but this was all actually filmed last Wednesday after Kimberley got ejected, so shut up, you two. Shut up and die. Ryan whips off the sheet to reveal that he's fully dressed in his ugly vintage-wear, and heads out to host this stupid, pointless show. Hate.

Credits. Please come and kill me, terminator mascot! Look, I'm Ahnold! See, I've got the shades! Ah'll be baaaahk. See? Kill me! Don't slink away! Come back! Kill me! Sigh.

Ryan heads back out onstage to the same screaming audience as last week. He blathers on about the show and leaves Chris Harrison and his "most shocking rose ceremony yet" blather in the dust by declaring that "never has a battle between two consenting adults created such a national fervor." The sad thing is that I can't say he's wrong. He reminds us about what this is all about and exaggerates the results, declaring that the second place winner gets nothing. Yes, nothing. Justin who? Movie? What movie? Album? What album? Shut up, Ryan. He lies that we're going to "get inside" Ruben and Clay's heads this evening, though really, Clay ends up getting inside the heads of one of his fans and is probably still quivering in fear.

Next, Ryan introduces the judges again. They've changed clothes to try to trick us into thinking it's a different night. It's Wednesday still. Shout it from the rooftops! Weeeeeedneessssdaaaay! Randy "Prince Of Tides" Jackson, Paula "Queen Of Wishful Thinking" Abdul, and Simon "Duke Of Churl" Cowell head out on the stage, over to the couches where the kids normally sit. I just accidentally typed "sleep" instead of "sit." I hate this show. Ryan runs up and pretends to tackle Simon. Save it for later, boys. There are impressionable right-wing bigots watching. Ryan lies that the judges saw over 70,000 people in the preliminaries. I've come to the conclusion that they saw maybe 500 max. This inspires a clip show that goes all the way back to the dawn of Season One. This is some sort of nonsense about the "evolution" of the judges. Paula was the nice one. We see her say nice things to the crazy cheese lady. Randy is the "laidback" one, whatever the hell that means. Oh, it apparently it means that he gives criticism, but he's not an ass about it. Except when he is. There's Tah-MEE-kah. They don't let her rant again, thank God. And Simon was the asshole. And none of that has changed. They're the same as they were last season. I guess this is the creationist's interpretation of "evolution" among the judges. They show clips of stuff Simon said yesterday. Er…"last week." There's a cute little clip montage of Randy saying "dawg" repeatedly, reminiscent of one of Homer Simpson's "D'oh!" symphonies. And there are clips of the "love/hate" relationship between Paula and Simon. Meaning, "We love the cameras and hate not being the center of attention, so we'll pretend to have this Maddie/David thing going on."

Back onstage, Ryan asks stupid questions. Why did Randy become so mean? He was mean last season, too. Oh whatever. He non-answers that he calls it like he sees it. Ryan brings up Paula's sense of "style." Incidentally, she's wearing a pink blouse with an oversized white men's tie. She looks like a bridesmaid at Avril Lavigne's wedding. She responds by insulting Simon's sense of fashion. Oy. Kill me! Please! Simon is wearing a gray shirt and faded jeans. His manboobs are more prominent than ever. She whines that Simon has a fashion budget. Which I assume means that Paula doesn't. Wow, I had no idea this show had a stance against enabling. Ryan blathers to Paula about being a positive influence or some bullshit. She blathers back about how she's an "artist" and knows what it's like and Simon doesn't and I saw this scary guy down on the corner and I think I'm going to ask him if he has any guns for sale. There's some nonsense about Paula being the "nurturing mother," Simon being the "disciplined [occasionally abusive] father," and Randy is the "supportive brother." I guess that leaves Ryan as the "funny uncle." Paula blathers on more and more and more. Finally when she stops for a breath, Ryan turns to Simon for some more adversarial blather. Simon jokes about how Paula's words have moved him so, and I'm having this weird déjà vu moment that I've seen this all somewhere last season. And now I'm having a déjà vu moment that I've actually had this déjà vu moment before. This is what happens when they show the same damned shit over and over again, and say the same damned shit over and over again and sing the same damned shit over and over again. I think somewhere in my recaps is the secret to time travel. Ryan points out that Simon was a behind-the-scenes producer, but then he discovered the glory of fame-whoring, and now he's all drinking in the spotlight. Simon mocks Ryan over his comments, because everybody knows that Simon will never be half the fame whore Ryan is. Ryan pulls out a Simon bobble-headed doll by way of example. An example of what, I have no idea. Capitalism? Simon then snarks, "The only reason I made this doll is to give something back to the children." Juanita would be so proud. Ryan gives the doll to some girl in the audience. I think eBay's going to be paying for some lucky girl's college education.

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American Idol

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