American Idol
An Idol Ain’t Nothin’ But A Sandwich

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The (Eeeeeee!) stands alone

This is my 75th recap for Television Without Pity. Huzzah! I can't believe how much crap and tripe and utter dreck I've described. I hope you've enjoyed it.

Tuesday. Ryan "Soak Up The Sun" greets us from the Substitute Seal of Tsathoggua in what will be his last ugly outfit of the season. He has frilly Prince shirt cuffs, another homeless man's jacket, and his best five o'clock shadow. The audience counts down again as Ryan reminds us that 70,000 auditioned and blah blah blah. If you don't know what's going on at this point, then Paula wants you to tell your alien overlords she said hi.

Credits. The androgynous mascot is particularly disappointed that Clay didn't win, for obvious reasons.

Ryan heads back out onto the stage he was just on seconds ago to greet the cheering crowd. The stage looks slightly bigger for the new location, but not much. The audience is a lot larger, but somehow it's not very impressive. The [Product-Placed Camera Company] Theater from the first-season finale looked much more impressive. It was all the balconies or something. This just looks like the old studio, but bigger. I'm sure there's some sort of comment about the finals just being far less impressive this year, but I can't seem to find it. Oh, wait -- there it was, right there.

Ryan blathers on at length and uses more annoying sports analogies as he explains to us yet again that this is the final round and somebody's going to win, blah blah blah. He reminds us that last week there was only a two percent vote difference between Ruben and Clay. And they're extending the voting time for an hour, for those of you take a long time to get tired of hearing a busy signal. He then introduces Clay and Ruben out to the stage. Clay looks like a waiter at a chain Italian restaurant in his white shirt and black pants. Ruben is wearing a puffy black jacket with square patterns on it that looks like a car seat. In the audience, a public relations representative for Nabisco waves a sign that says, "Ruben is our chocolate Teddy Graham." Now there's a brilliant advertising strategy that slipped right by the producers. Maybe next season they'll pick audience members based on whether or not they'll hold up signs promoting various products: "I love Ryan, but not as much as I love my plasma television!" Clay and Ruben both pretend to be shocked by the size of the crowd. They blather for a bit with Ryan about nothing, and then Ryan sends them back off stage to prepare for their songs.

After they're gone, Ryan introduces us to the judges, Simon "Jaded" Cowell, Paula "Mad Season" Abdul, and Randy "Stuck In A Moment You Can't Get Out Of" Jackson. The judges are in the same place they usually are. See, they had that cool balcony box last season, like Statler and Waldorf on the The Muppet Show. Randy's wearing a stupid hat that looks like it should have a big card in the band that says "Press."

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American Idol

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