American Idol
And Do I Really Have A Hand In My Forgetting?

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Right. So I'm just watching Gilmore Girls, minding my own business, and I've seen the episode before and it's not my own personal favorite, but whatever. I'm doing dishes and laundry and the soothing dulcet tones of that show's word gun, pointed directly at my head and firing away, always chills me out, because it reminds me of home. Then the phone rings.

Anna: What the fuck is going on here?
Jacob: While I agree that the "Emily sees a dog in the yard" storyline is not the most heart-stopping, I certain don't think it's worthy of vulgarity. So you must be talking about Idol, right? And that means…oh, crap. What's he singing?
Anna: Just...I can't…I need a hug. Or some tortilla soup.

So began my experience of tonight's episode. I watched about five seconds, ordered my own hug and soup, and turned back to Gilmore, because I'm already going to have to watch this episode like a hundred times anyway, so why half-ass it? No reason to do so. But ever since then, I've been worried and waiting for it to come up and jump me in the ass, so I figure, let's face some fears, shall we?

Tuesday

Ryan's wearing a crazy shirt and jacket, and cute jeans, while Paula is dressed like the daughter-in-law on Mama's Family. But what is the theme? Let's travel in time together, shall we, to last Wednesday. If you get thirsty on the trip, don't worry, because they have a bunch of this certain cola there, on Wednesday. And Ryan is dicking them around with some self-styled "cryptic clues":

Ryan: In this decade, Donna Summer got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
Carrie: Who's Donna Summer?
Anwar: Girl, please. [Smacks Carrie with puppy.]
Nadia: Give me something else.
Ryan: Geri Halliwell quit the Spice Girls group also, in this decade.
Nadia: The nineties.
Constantine: It's gotta be the nineties.
Nadia: Bitch, I just said that. [Smacks Constantine with Nikko.]
Ryan: I was going to give you the one about O.J., but I figured that would be a dead giveaway.
All white contestants except Scott: [Laugh uproariously.]

God. Anyway, the theme is "The Nineties," so Bo's going to sing the goddamned Black Crowes, but I don't blame him; they're a total Bo Band. Bo, by the way, does not remember the nineties, because he was busy touring with his band. Because he's old. Old, y'all. Not to mention the fact that he was totally baked during most of that time. Now, you know I hate the Black Crowes, but I don't mind this song all that much. I wish he'd picked the theme song from Pete and Pete, though. That's Bo music too, right? The cute beard guy from last year -- Matt something? -- is sitting behind the judges, and he totally loves this, because in his head, he's Bo too. Meanwhile, Bo could not be more bored with all of this. He's wearing a drunk pledge's cow-print cowboy hat, with a super floppy brim so he looks even more like a swamp person, which he gives to Paula, who tonight and forever is that self-same drunk pledge, so she can wear it next time she's spanking her own ass on a dance floor somewhere.

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American Idol

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