American Idol

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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"You're What My Nightmares Look And Sound Like."

Apparently Dallas has just been insane in years past, but it all kind of bleeds together to be honest. Dallas gets a bad rap generally: Not as bad as Houston, which is funny because it's much worse than Houston, but not as bad as they always make it seem. There are nice places there. Like any big city with a lot of money in it, you have to find the places. Plus they have the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, and you know how much Ryan likes that. The best bit is a memory of one time Simon said he wouldn't have chosen this particular song, and Randy grunts, "I wouldn't have chosen any song." I remember when he was a person and not just a collection of noises.

Nobody seems to know who the guest judge is for Day One. Simon thinks it's Richard Simmons, which causes Randy to laugh both achingly and desperately, because he has heard of Richard Simmons. I think Richard Simmons would be a great guest judge. He's funny, has no sense of irony whatsoever, and it's easier to watch him cry than anybody. I mean, wouldn't you rather watch Richard Simmons cry than, say, Claire Danes? Randy suggests Clint Eastwood, and then they do hilarious phone-sex impressions of Clint Eastwood and how he would go after the contestants with a steely hateful snarl. It's epic.

Instead, though, we get Neil Patrick Harris. The most wonderful man in the world. I don't know what to say about him that hasn't been said. He's like the George Clooney of television. You're allowed to love him no matter who you are. He is the original unicorn. If he touches your iPhone you can get bars everywhere you go from that point forward. He says he's into magic tricks but that's only because if he admitted that he was actually magical and could do actual magic, the government would come take him. I predict that even though he has less of a reason to be here than even Avril and Katy, he will also be the best guest judge, because he is the best. I think this is how Ellen will play out also.

There's a whole fun breakdown of past Dallas people -- Kelly Clarkson, that blonde girl that sang the "gitchy-gitchy ya-ya" song in her operatic fashion of yore... And then her ass comes back. Blue eyeshadow, fake eyelashes, and talking randomly crazy in this stilted way and doing random crazy dances. I think she has used the time of the last eight years to become very upsetting. She used to just be a funny weirdo that sang in her own peculiar way, but that seems to have hardened into an exterior shell of that's just how she is now. She's not the first person to be driven legitimately crazy by this venture, but she is one of the most drastic.

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American Idol

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