American Idol
Auditions: Los Angeles

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | Grade It Now!
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More About The War & The Bloody Changes

Another taste. I hate that it's on Thursdays now, I really do. That's supposed to be my time with Meredith Grey and Alicia Florick and whatever old lady shows I actually watch. A nice Pinot. And I can't understand how they think in the autumn of its life they could possibly... Look, Brett Loewenstern!

Retracted. Also, Casey Abrams, and that girl whose parents were younger than her, that little chubby kid, the guy that had wife problems or fiancée problems, that little Froggy Aiken kid... That's nice of them to remind us why we're here. Why six episodes is not enough and eight is just right.

Welcome to Ryan Seacrest's own tiny Princedom. They should put a little crown on him sometime, like at Burger King or Jughead Jones. I think that would look so cute, you know, it could fall down a little bit like Max. I think it would be undignified to make Ryan Seacrest wear footie pajamas, on top of everything else, but the secret is: He would put that shit on without thinking twice.

Like he actually just said, "Teaming up with the folks at Myspace." What does that even mean? "Teaming up with the folks at the East India Trading Company!" "Teaming up with the guys from Pets.com!" "Teaming up with Atari!" Myspace. I remember Myspace, sort of. And frankly I'd rather reminisce about that than talk about Randy Jackson's ridiculous gold-lamé shoes which are all they want to talk about right now on the TV. Heavy on the lamé if you know what I mean. Super-duper lamé.

First girl Victoria Garrett (21, Long Beach, telemarketer) is all about how God and American Idol have teamed up with the folks at Myspace for some Victoria-related reason that will take her to the quote "finale finale." She's cute, but you can tell by the way she walks that she is a loon, so obviously the song is not going to be great. I mean, God's told people to do weirder shit than go sing awful on American Idol, but doesn't it seem like mostly that's what He's up to these days?

All three judges are total dicks to her, for a really long and uncomfortable time, which means they are being dicks to God. By the transitive property, they are being dicks to God. That's just math.

Tim Halperin (23, Ft. Worth) is pretty decent looking, and I think pretty funny too, crushing on J. Lo, and having a skinny body and quite a large head, which are three things you gotta have to be for TV. On the other hand, his voice is not that great, so Randy messes with him about singing to J. Lo ("She Will Be Loved" is like the weirdest song to sing to a girl), but he explains that he was in love with her from the time he was born, because she is ancient. I'm so sure, like J. Lo ages.

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American Idol

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